Dawn, it's not quite literal.
It is a way to free oneself of rigidity--
if i take the turn arounds as an introduction to there being mutliple possibilities of the way things could be, then I am less likely to hold onto unhelpful ideas.
"paul should shout at me" is ridiculous and once I say it, it is ridiculous, so "he SHOULD not shout at me loses steam...it's all ridiculous because it comes from ego. So, what if he is shouting at me? I can walk away from it...the shouting tells his story, not mine. DETACHMENT.
Maybe he should shout at me..maybe I can't hear him over the car engine, maybe I am stepping on his toe,,,,maybe I am being a drunken crazy and abusing my dinner guests...
it's an exercise in losing rigidity in thinking towards detachment, not always a literal statement and not meant to introduce moral relativism. It is also an exercise in losing entitlement - WHY should i accept that he shouts? Well, I do not accept it and he does not stop. I don;t accept it, yet nothing changes. How is THAT working for me? WHO is miserable here? Additionally, now I am broiling with ego. WHO is HE to shout at me? Game over. I am now not possible to relate to and I can not see clearly through my pride. Only I can change that and I have to change it. So I am angry with a bruised ego and he is still shouting. What if i took my ego out and said- ok, he's shouting?
I am now free of the thought that his shouting says something about me. I am free from having to control others.
I now have POWER to decide what I am willing to live with, not frozen in self doubt. I can see what IS, and stop fighting REALITY. Ok, he shouts, so how do I take care of myself while he is a shouter, without trying to change HIM? Maybe I leave. As long as I fight reality- I am trying to control paul and not living within my boundaries.
As i lose entitlement, I am more able to see that he may express love by doing the dishes, not bringing flowers. So I Lose entitlement by creating an invitation to myself to see about the dishes as a positive about him, rather than the about the flowers as a negative about him by saying he IS loving to me. I can focus on the positive and who he really is an a unique person, not as someone who is there to cater to my particular desires.
I am now free of upsetting expectations and free to see the person Paul is and to realize he is just fine as he is and I do not have to change him.
caveat- this works on our thoughts and feelings to get us unstuk. It is not meant to say 'he should hit me" , "she should curse at me" etc and to stay in an abusive situation. This is a fix for depressive/entitled/wrong thinking, not for permitting abusive people to abuse us. Like everything, it has uses and limitations. It's use is to end suffering we create in our minds unnecessarily to free us to actually deal with situations in a realistic and loving way.It helps our stinkin' thinkin'. It is for clarity, empowerment and reasonableness, not for excusing people.
I think you come from a strong bible foundation- so if I put it like this: Y'know when people ask God for things like winning the lottery or a new car or for their loved one to return to them, how that's totally wrong? It's wrong because God knows what we need and knows that what we want and need are often two VERY different things. As humans we tend to think of we had more money or were thinner or whatever our problems would be solved.
God should make a miracle and turn narc heart towards me
Is that true?
Can I really know that is true?
No. Only God knows. It is very possible that God is working in narc as we speak and he must go through some things so narc will turn to God and see how dependent he is on God TO SAVE HIS ETERNAL SOUL.
How do you feel when you have the thought about 'should"?
powerless, forgotten by God, angry that God won't give me what i want.
How do you react?
Maybe my relationship with him just lost some importance? Maybe it is also true that God removed narc from ME to help me stay closer to God and not be with the ungodly?
So, can I know it is true that God should turn him to me?
No. I am not God and only God knows.
God should turn narcs heart towards God
God should turn my heart toward narc
God should turn my heart towards God
Now I feel good because I can let go and put narc in God's hands
I feel good because I know God will take care of us both and give us what we need
I feel loved because God will always welcome me
Edited by PrudenceB, 27 May 2012 - 07:09 PM.