We were talking about a minor skirmish we'd had earlier this morning and I made a statement that he told me to repeat to myself slowly and purposefully. He stopped me mid-arguement to have me slow down and repeat- while listening to myself carefully- what I was saying to him (in defense of my actions...)
The topic came up when he asked me, "Who are you? What are you about? Do you even know the answer to that question?"
"I am an intelligent, strong, determined woman." I stated.
That answer went right over his head (I still haven't figured that one out...) and what it boiled down to was this:
I made the statement that I have spent the last year and a half that we have been reconciled doing my very best to see to it that he is happy and satisfied and that he is getting what he needs out of this relationship, even if that meant letting the things I need and the things I want fall to the side.
That's when he stopped me.
"Repeat that." He says.
"What?" I am trying to argue you know, that I'm a good spouse and that I have been self-sacrificing and doting and all that crap, and he just stops me!!!
"Repeat what you just said and notice what you're telling me and what you're telling yourself. Listen to yourself."
He says this calmly, in a very logical, purposeful way. He wasn't being mean.
So, I slowly repeat, "For the past year and a half, since we decided to reconcile
Ihave gone out of MY way to see to it that you are happy and satisfied and getting what you need out of it, even to the detriment of MY wants and MY needs."
He looks at me and says, "THAT is why I tell you you are a selfish person. YOU are the one who got it into your head that I require you to make me happy and satisfied. I never told you I needed you to be that or do that for me, you have taken it on yourself to be that for me and you are angry at me because I will not do the same for you."
And you could've knocked me over with a feather.
I was speechless, and that's pretty rare for me.
I said, "So, I have assumed that in order for this thing to work I have to do certain things and behave a certain way and make the road smooth as silk for you and you're telling me you don't need all of that?"
"Right." he says, "You have put so much pressure on yourself to be something you just cannot be and someone I have never required you to be that it's gonna ruin us if you don't stop."
I asked him, "But how does that make me selfish?"
"You've put all on you." He says, "And you make me out to be the villain because I don't make myself miserable for you."
Please understand, y'all, the whole time I'm sitting there trying to take all of this in and even now, 4 hours later, I'm like, "Whoa!"
"I've been so angry at you because I felt like I was going out of my way for you and you have rarely, if ever, gone out of your way for me." I said this in a slow, realiztion kind of way...it's just now dawning on me what's been going on between us...
"What kind of person do you think I am, that I would require you to be in a relationship with me that is based on your being miserable?" He says, "I've been a d***head," he said, "but I've never asked you to or expected you to make yourself miserable. That's just twisted. And if you expect me to make myself miserable trying to make you happy that isn't going to happen. I think we're miserable enough, and THAT has to change!"
You know, I think my little world is slowly unravelling, and by that I mean, I have been this way for as long as I can remember.
I have always heard my Mom's voice in the back of my head telling me not to be selfish. I have tried to be as much as the opposite of selfish as I knew how, but in every relationship I have been in (and I told my H this, too) this is how I have operated. I have always taken it on myself to be the glue that holds everything
together, so to speak.
I'm the strong one, even though I have times when I am weak. I always want to be the 'go-to-person', even at work! Even if that means I'm doing something I totally hate or I am feeling resentment and rage building in me as I'm doing it.
Does misery really make me tick?!?
And how do I NOT do this? I told H today, "I don't know if I can NOT be like that!" The mere thought of it brings tears to my eyes and puts a huge knot in my throat!
How do I not automatically take it on to hold everything and everyone together?
I've got to be getting something out of it or I wouldn't keep doing it, right?
Is there a name for this? Or am I just freaking out about nothing.
It doesn't feel like nothing.
It feels like a fork in the road.
