34 replies to this topic

[Maddie_NY]

I've gone no contact with xbf since January. He would drop occasional texts here and there but I was good and did not respond. Lately the texts became more intense, from "i miss you" and "i will never stop loving you" to "give us another chance", "let's get away together" and finally "you are a weird woman" (!!) That's when I felt like blocking his number and I should have, but I didn't. It stirred so many old emotions, reminded me what it felt like to live with the craziness on daily basis... I responded saying "i can see how not writing back can seem weird to you" and then I went on and on about how I loved him, and how I don't even know if he noticed, and it was all ruined and I had nothing more to say to him. He did not write back but it ruined my week, I was distracted, angry, obsessed, and strangely found myself missing him. Hello my friend rollercoaster.

About a week ago, he delivered flowers to the door (drove 30 miles each way to do this) and sent me a text that he left them by the door but had no nerve to knock. That's when everything went south for me. How do I not call to say "thank you?" So I did. Since then spoke on the phone again and texted. He wants to meet and talk, I said ok. I am soo angry at him still but this trigger was so powerful, I didn't even recognize it for what it was! And this is when I was just beginning to feel like things are bearable!!

I wish I was stronger to say I would not meet with him; my heart literally melted when I heard his voice. So I just rationalize, ok nothing has to happen, right? I can say to him that I thought about it again and there is just no way things will work out. It is unlikely that he has changed in the last few months and I am not entirely convinced that his intentions are genuine either. So this is a clue in itself. But the other half of me thinks, this may just work? Although honestly, after he said he's one of those guys who likes to have sex with other women every once in a while, I know it will not work in a million years. I'm just kidding myself and most probably setting up for more pain. I love him and I hate him.. Ugh. I need some sense, I don’t think I am seeing this clearly, even as I’m writing.

[hedoesntcare]

I can understand the rollercoaster of emotions, it is so hard when we want to believe that they could possibly have good intentions, then there is the guilt for not treating them as we would other people who do nice things like give us flowers. The difference is that they are not like other people, they just keep changing tactics until something works in their favor.

Distancing yourself from him was the best way to detach. You were able to ignore his texts of love, yet you let him get to you with his stupid accusation that you are weird. I fell for that trap once and learned that responding to them is exactlly what they want, attention.

They don't care if it is negative attention either, a good fight is what they seem to feed off of anyway. If he is a narcissist, the only way he knows he exists is to get attention from you. If he thinks he even has the slightest chance of getting back together with you, it will take even longer to get him to detach. Once, I responded to a very benign email from my STBX and wrote one simple sentence which led him to think he had a chance to reconcile with me. He wrote a long email back about how sorry he was, how much he loved me, etc. I then got a 5 page letter from him stating the same and he wrote about how he hoped he still had a chance with me. All of that was just from a one sentence reply that I sent back to him, honestly it was cold and very plain but it was enough to give him the opening to pour his heart out to me.

Trust your instincts, it doesn't sound like you want to meet with him. You said that it won't work, so this meeting with him will only dredge up old feelings of guilt, obligation, and confusion. It will also make him think that he can still get to you when he wants to. I understand your thoughts about how you had to thank him for the flowers, but he did that to get you to engage with him and it worked. See if that helps you get your anger back about things, read your old posts about how things were when you were with him, that might be all you need to remind yourself why you left and cut off communication in the first place.

[Tristis]

(((((Maddie))))) isn't it just so hard to be objective when they start being nice. As HDC says look at your old posts. remember why you parted. Remind yourself of the hurt. Detach and disengage yourself when you meet and watch him perform. Remember you don't have to do what you don't want to. He is NOT in control of you. You don't owe him anything but you owe yourself everything x

[PrudenceB]

Ditto.

I know how you are feeling. I "melt" when I see my x. And he does too in a way.

But I melt for the fake guy, he "needs attention". Big difference. I want "him" he wants ANYONE who will give him attention.

My x wanted to hang out all the time and was happy to have me be his sounding board, to carry out his dysfunction onto me and I had to stop even waving hello to him (we are neighbors)

Nothing has changed with him in 11 months, even though he is working AA- it's just too soon, and he is still a twisted mess.

I have found from experience there is nothing but pain there.

Take care of yourself first.

I know exactly how you feel.

[Maddie_NY]

I want "him" he wants ANYONE who will give him attention.

So sad but true I can relate to the sounding board too, I think I was just another resource in the big scheme or resources. Maybe even an important resource, I felt like we've had a pretty strong friendship, but a resource still.

[PrudenceB]

I thought we were friends too---

What I found out was that he was talking AT me, no emotional connection -

I was talking TO him and he was confabulating what I said into crazy -

(

We were not ever friends.

We didn't even really discuss personal problems- both of us had other things to talk about - pretty happy pair, not a rescue situation-

it's not a conversation, it's a monologue for them--

[DawnC]

Well...if I'm being honest...his leaving flowers at your door came off as stalker behavior to me. It made me feel very uncomfortable, not like it was romantic at all, but pretty creepy. And that's the weird thing. Coming from almost anyone else, it would be exactly what hedoesntcare said, "people who do nice things like give us flowers". But coming from him, I don't think it is a nice thing at all, especially since he has continued to bother you over and over again, despite your request to stop. I agree that "(he) is not like other people, (he) just keeps changing tactics until something works.." I get the feeling that a man who 'likes to have sex with other women every once in a while' might just view your unwillingness to "get away with him" (aka S-E-X) as a challenge.

I'm sorry he's got you so confused and hurting. Hang in there. Pretend the flowers were a bucket of snakes and run, run away from that sentimental stuff where he is concerned.

[hedoesntcare]

YES I second Dawn's entire post!!!

[SteffieB]

I know that it's hard to wrap your mind around, Maddie, but you almost have to look at it as a game. He's playing a game, and he made a very smart move with the flowers. He wins this round because it got you to engage with him again. If you look at it like him delivering the flowers was a strategic move on a chessboard, it's easier to not be so touched. These people seem to not so much want "us" as much as they just want to "win". Getting us back isn't romantic, it's winning the war that he wages in the thing that you think of as a relationship.

[thebewilderness]

I think I was just another resource in the big scheme or resources. Maybe even an important resource, I felt like we've had a pretty strong friendship, but a resource still.

I think you are absolutely right about this.
As painful as it is to discover that a friend treats you as a resource rather than a friend in a relationship with a friend, to come to the realization that this is the relationship you have with your life partner is devastating.
There is a pattern to what your xbf is doing. It is right there in your first comment in this thread.
Cookie email. No response.
Cookie email. No response.
Cookie email. No response.
Spiky email. You responded.
Flowers. Talking on the phone, saying thank you for stalking me.
And lets get together!!!
He moved your no to any contact all the way to agreeing to meet.
Nicely done manipulative guy.

Constant boundary enforcement is hard work with people who will not take no for an answer. It is not socially acceptable to be always saying no to people, so it carrys a measure of guilt that undermines our resolve.
I'm sorry you are going through this.