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Has the storm passed?


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#1 Hattie

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 10:01 AM

Hi Everyone,

I've been away for a little while, it's just that things got so so crazy and I didn't have access to my pc. Well last Friday my dh literally lost it and physically assaulted me. He was mad over dinner (the food was not to his liking ) and when I tried to explain he got mad. I have to admit that I lost my temper too and yelled at him (which I shouldn't have) and he started hitting me. I locked myself in the guest bedroom and finally mustered up the courage to call one of my girlfriends who asked me to hop into a cab and come over to her place which I did.

It was so scary and I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster. My dh has a terrible temper but this time he just couldn't control himself. Yes he does abuse me emotionally and verbally and I've been trying to be strong and deal with it. A friend of mine who recently went through a divorce keeps begging me to walk away but it's not that easy is it???? I know some of you have found the strength to get out but I know there are those who choose to stay. I just can't bring myself to file for a divorce and run off.

He did come to get me after a couple of days and I did return back home with him. He's been awfully nice but sometimes I see a sudden flash of his old temper but so far he's said nothing insulting. I've read that abusers don't change but why is that I keep thinking that he'd be different.

Well thanks for reading and letting me say what was in my heart.

Hugs
Hattie

#2 Kokoca

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 10:19 AM

Oh Hattie, I'm so sorry.

Can we join your friend and beg you to get out too?

I agree that it is not easy. Even when you decide to do it, it may be gut wrenchingly painful to walk away from a marriage and a home. But it is like pulling out a wicked sliver. Short term pain for long term gain.

So here's a question: What is he actively doing to change? He came and picked you up and is all nice. Well, that's just window dressing. Is he going to anger management classes? Is he going to a 12 step group? Is the seeking counselling? If he isn't doing these things, he's not changing. It isn't going to happen.

Why you keep thinking he'd be different is because you want him to be different. There is always something in our partners that we love or liked about them. Sometimes there is lots of positive stuff there and lots of good memories. So we think it can be different because we really like them in some ways. But that's your vision of them and your hope for them and unless they are totally commited to change, real significant change, for themselves, it ain't gonna happen no matter how much you think or wish it. Emotional and physical violence is a deal breaker.

So the big baby doesn't like his food and throws a temper tantrum and lets it escalate into a brawl? That's no man.

Question: Are you feeling gulity about yelling at him? Is there an inkling of a feeling that this was all your fault because you yelled back? Or you somehow did the wrong thing with the meal ("I tried to explain" sounds very defensive -- what's to explain? Food's on the table. Eat it and be grateful Mr. Man.) If you are feeling at all at fault here or like he might be right in what happened and you should therefore go back because it was your fault, you are being gaslighted.

What happened was not right. He has no business getting angry about a meal. He has no business hitting you because you respond in kind to his anger.


There's lots of advice on the board and on the Doc's site on getting yourself prepared for an emergency exit. If you even get an inkling that this is happening again don't waste any time mustering up the courage to get out. Make a commitment now to keep yourself safe and move fast when the time comes.

Hugs

#3 SteffieB

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 07:36 PM

Hattie, I agree with Kokoca. There was nothing to explain. Want to know what I do when someone cooks me a meal that I don't particularly like? I say "thank you!" and I eat. I am grateful and gracious about it, because no one is obligated to feed me. When someone does, I appreciate it. If it's someone I'm really close to and I think it would have been tastier if cooked a different way, we can talk about that like adults and no one gets hit.

My worry is that you are in a more dangerous situation now than you were in before that night. He tested your boundaries and now knows that he can physically assault you and you'll come back to him. Sure, he's sweet now...no doubt he's wonderful right now. They can all do this act. It won't last, and the physical assault will likely be worse the next time. He will do as much as he can get away with, and that is not love.
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#4 ktc

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 11:12 PM

I agree that is not love, not at all. I am sure he is being "nice" right now , or is he? Sometimes we see someone who is abusive as being nice when its really what normal is. So he isn't really being nice, he is being what normal should be. However, cruel side will return. He hit you because his food was not to his liking. What's next??. Your friend is begging you to leave. Yes, it is hard. But there may come a time you are hurt bad enough not to be able to get out. Protect yourself, love yourself, you do not deserve this. Could you possibly call a domestic abuse shelter? They may be a wonderful source of help for you

#5 Hattie

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 11:52 AM

Well Kokoca, he hasn't done anything to show that he's actively trying to change. He'd freak out if I suggested anger management classes, he's Mr Perfect and never does any wrong.

I never really realized that him being nice is what others would call being normal.

As for my cooking, he's the only one who complains about it - there's always something wrong. I've learnt to ignore the comments but it does hurt especially when you've put alot of thought into the meal.

The reason I feel guilty about yelling back is because I've always been told to keep quiet and let him rant. I read an article on the site on how one can stop being defensive but I guess it takes some practice. I just couldn't bottle up my frustration anymore and looking back if I kept quiet maybe he wouldn't have hit me.

Thanks for all the sweet replies :)

#6 Kokoca

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 12:04 PM

and looking back if I kept quiet maybe he wouldn't have hit me.


Hi Hattie. I just want to point out the fallacy here.

He should never, ever have hit you. You know that, right? Abuse victims will often rationalize their abusers behaviour because they want things to be okay, they want to be happy and in love and connected with this person. When it gets bad enough, the victim makes the abuser's bad behaviour their fault because they are desperate for things to be okay (BTDT).

It isn't your fault or responsibility. It is entirely 100% his responsibility to control his behaviour. Right from the moment the dishes hit the table.

I just want to make sure that you are not taking on responsibility that you shouldn't be taking on.

Big hugs.

Stay safe.

#7 thebewilderness

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 01:34 PM

The goal of the abuser is to condition you to tolerate the abuse.
The more abuse you tolerate the more it reinforces his belief that he is entitled to abuse you.
It is important for you to understand that he is just as likely to hit you for refusing to respond as he is to hit you for responding in anger.
There is nothing you can do to stop or control the abuse. Each incident reinforces his absolute right to abuse you.
The fact that you called a friend instead of the police gives him an indication of what the consiquence will be when he hits you. You will leave for a few days and then he will bring you back.
You are now in the "honeymoon" phase. Next will come the tension building phase. Then the explosion. Again.

Please make an escape plan. I think you are going to need it.

#8 donnelle

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 04:04 PM

Hattie:

I was once where you are now and thought that if I altered my behavior he would stop the abuse.

It did not happen. It only got worse as time went on. The honeymoon periods became shorter and shorter and the abusive periods last longer and longer.

I called the police on him but did not press charges. He still continued with the abuse.

It is who he is. He always found a way to blame me for it, somehow it was never his fault.

I finally ended our relationship after almost 4 years. We were engaged at the time and had an expensive house together. None of that mattered, though, because I finally came to realize he was not going to change and that I could not live the rest of my life like that.

Please keep your eyes open and start keeping a journal so that you can go back to read about what happened. Your mind will likely play tricks on you as you try to convince yourself it really isn't that bad. But it is. One day you will wake up to that realization and you will get out. It will be helpful to have a written history at that time. You should also get your important papers and any medicines or whatever you need for daily survival all together in an emergency bag so that if you have to flee, you can do so quickly.

Make no mistake about it, it will definitely happen again. Maybe not for a year, as in my relationship, but it will happen again and it will most likely be worse next time.

Edited by donnelle, 11 May 2012 - 04:06 PM.


#9 ktc

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Posted 13 May 2012 - 12:10 AM

I agree with everyone here. When you modify how you respond to him is what they call "Walking on eggshells". Its when we try to be very careful with what we say, how we say it, very careful of our actions/ words because of fear of what they might do. That is no way to live. You will slowly lose yourself until there is nothing left of you anymore. You will be spiritually, emotionally and physically spent. Its already turned to physical, yes the cycle will continue. He is doing whatever it takes to control you - verbally, emotionally and physically. You mentioned that you have always been told to keep quiet and let him rant. I am not sure where that advice is coming from. I am not saying yelling back is the answer but protecting yourself is. Do you have a domestic violence shelter you could call? That would be an escape plan and I believe they have wonderful counselors to help you through this. Please call a shelter, they can help you. The thing with abuse is that it always escalates and it goes in cycles. The verbal and emotional are as damaging as physical. Please seek a shelter, it could save your life.

#10 Hattie

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 03:59 AM

KTC the let him rant advice came from my darling mom, I don't know, maybe it worked for her but not for me. How much can you keep bottled up???

Anyway DH did insist that I call the police when he was hitting me, I was too scared to do so thinking they'd take his side. He has a lovely way of letting the others know that he's the one being abused and not the other way around.

I've been walking on eggshells for so long, I have to make sure my responses are what he want me to say. I mean if I stray off the topic he'd get so so mad. He has isolated me and even my friends see a different me when he's around and they've even brought this up.

Yesterday we were to go out to meet a friend and guess what DH didn't like what I was wearing, he insisted that I changed my top (even though I loved it and thought it looked pretty). On our way out he said, oh my you look good today but I doubt he would have said that if I refused to change. Sometimes it's like I'm 3 years old again with him dictating my every move.

Kokoca I know he should have never hit me but he doesn't seem to get it. I know it's never right for a man to hit a woman but according to him I'm the one who makes him do it. People close to him ask me to work on our relationship but one party can't do all the work, the other has to pitch in. I'm the one who has a big mouth and who can't keep her temper intact.

As much as it hurts to accept it I know that it's a horrid cycle and I know I have to break it. I'm taking very baby steps and I found a couple of domestic abuse shelters closeby.




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