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He is at it again


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#1 hedoesntcare

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 12:53 AM

Last week my stbx took our son to a Dr. appointment (developmental pediatrician) without my knowledge after school on one of my custody days. Due to violent weather and tornado warnings, he was delayed in returning our son until school was closed and I was alone waiting for them to arrive. He took that opportunity to lay into me about his text messages about what the Dr. said regarding the medication changes, messages that I did not respond to other then, "OK". He then began to scream at me about how I must think it is funny that I ended up with the nice car when we split and that if I didn't pay the insurance on it he would take it away from me. (mind you I am paying for EVERYHING right now, his house, utilities, etc. along with my own) He did all of this in front of our children. He screamed about how I took off to see another man and the only response I gave him was, "No, J, I left to get away from YOU!"

Two days later I received a call from my bank and the circumstances were rather odd. They were calling because some woman found a box of new checks (the ones I had ordered and were waiting for) in the middle of a country road. She turned them in at a local police station for me to retrieve them at a later date. I followed up on this and the post office confirmed that they were delivered to my old home address where IT is living rather than to my P.O box. So, it was 99% likely that he pitched the box of checks in the country rather than putting them in one of our children's backpacks to kindly send them to me, or even have his lawyer send them to mine at the least.

Fast forward to today....I received an email from IT offering to exchange the children on Mother's Day in the afternoon so that I could see them that day (he has them this coming weekend) I sent back a very Plain-Jane email response stating that I would like to see them and told him where I would meet him and when. Here is what I received from him after that;

J,Is there some reason why we can't address each other by our names and be civil with each other,do you really feel this is in the best interest of our children to act this way. I'm truly sorry for how this has ended up but this is not going to be good for our children in the long run if we can't reasonably get along, I'm sorry but we have a lot of years ahead of us where we will have to deal with each other as it relates to our children's welfare. You may want to act like I don't exist but I do and I plan on being around for awhile so this is only the beginning and it's only going to get worse if this pettiness continues .I really don't want to give them up on days that they are supposed to be with me so would it kill you to acknowledge the consideration shown to you that wasn't extended to me on Easter and won't be on the weekend of D4's birthday. Why don't you tell your lawyer what it is you want so I can move on with my life like you have, try to remember that we once loved each other, even though we don't now.

He seems upset that I wasn't grateful enough for his offer. It just is funny to me that he thinks my lack of emotion towards him is petty, when he threw my checks out for anyone to get their hands on, and he is so concerned about our children's welfare when he is the one screaming at me in front of our children.

I am noticing a new pattern with him, when we get somewhat close to a court date that involves a possible decision regarding custody, he changes his tune and tries to sound like the mature adult in our relationship. He must be getting nervous about what might be decided by the court, this is the second time he has asked me what I want, and the last time this happened was right before a trial date as well.

I know that the court sessions are wearing on him, he HATES to be in the presence of authority and can't deal with the stress at all. This is my strategy, I want it to wear him down, if he knows what I want he will fight tooth and nail to make sure i don't get it. At the same time, he knows he is a monster and is afraid of becoming exposed. I have truth on my side and patience. I hope it pays off.
 

Edited by hedoesntcare, 10 May 2012 - 12:58 AM.


#2 claudifred

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 08:17 AM

His behavior is very much like what I saw with my ex as we were going through our divorce. At least mine never threw my checks in the road though! :o

Just remember, you don't have to address how he feels about the way you are communicating with him. If it makes him upset or nervous, that's on him. Just be polite and concise. It will drive him crazy that he can't get under your skin or get a rise out of you, but eventually he will get used to it.

My ex and I share 50/50 custody and have to communicate regarding our children quite often. The tone is very business like. It didn't start out that way. We irritated the snot out of each other for about a year. But now, almost 3 years later, we have a workable system going.

You should just stick to working with your lawyer on getting what you want and what is best for your children out of this. Don't worry about what he needs or wants. That's for him and his attorney to figure out.
Although they never said it in court, the judge and mediator in my case were both able to see right through my ex's charade. They see this stuff all too often. Follow the rules and you'll get what's yours. :)

Hang in there!

#3 Kokoca

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 08:58 AM

Last week my stbx took our son to a Dr. appointment (developmental pediatrician) without my knowledge after school on one of my custody days. Due to violent weather and tornado warnings, he was delayed in returning our son until school was closed and I was alone waiting for them to arrive. He took that opportunity to lay into me about his text messages about what the Dr. said regarding the medication changes, messages that I did not respond to other then, "OK". He then began to scream at me about how I must think it is funny that I ended up with the nice car when we split and that if I didn't pay the insurance on it he would take it away from me. (mind you I am paying for EVERYHING right now, his house, utilities, etc. along with my own) He did all of this in front of our children. He screamed about how I took off to see another man and the only response I gave him was, "No, J, I left to get away from YOU!"

Isn't it amazing that they can be so impossible to live with and then afterwards turn around and make it all your fault. My Ex is completely oblivious to her own behaviour. It makes my head spin how she can be so incredibly belligerent and then turn around and think that I'm going to want to talk to her. Blech.

He needs to be set seriously straight about what custody means. I'm pretty sure that your lawyer or a judge would say that he has absolutely no business doing anything with your kids during your custody time without your prior knowledge. What if you both made an appointment for your son on the same day? Again, this is something I've seen more and more with my Ex. She assumes that she somehow trumps my time with my daughter. The custody provisions are there for a reason: they prevent conflict and confusion. If he won't respect it, he's causing the conflict.


Two days later I received a call from my bank and the circumstances were rather odd. They were calling because some woman found a box of new checks (the ones I had ordered and were waiting for) in the middle of a country road. She turned them in at a local police station for me to retrieve them at a later date. I followed up on this and the post office confirmed that they were delivered to my old home address where IT is living rather than to my P.O box. So, it was 99% likely that he pitched the box of checks in the country rather than putting them in one of our children's backpacks to kindly send them to me, or even have his lawyer send them to mine at the least.

My Ex used to bring my mail over and slam the hard edge of the envelopes into the tender bit between my thumb and forefinger. At least he didn't drop the cheques on your head. It is such a shame that you can't prove anything, eh?


Fast forward to today....I received an email from IT offering to exchange the children on Mother's Day in the afternoon so that I could see them that day (he has them this coming weekend) I sent back a very Plain-Jane email response stating that I would like to see them and told him where I would meet him and when. Here is what I received from him after that;


So I read the above bit ^ and my D15 arrived here on her way to school so I went to have a yak with her. While I was pouring a small cup of coffee for her I was thinking "That sure is familiar to me -- offering something you haven't asked for that seems really thoughtful on the surface is likely to have a big ol' bear trap under it".

J,Is there some reason why we can't address each other by our names and be civil with each other,do you really feel this is in the best interest of our children to act this way. I'm truly sorry for how this has ended up but this is not going to be good for our children in the long run if we can't reasonably get along, I'm sorry but we have a lot of years ahead of us where we will have to deal with each other as it relates to our children's welfare. You may want to act like I don't exist but I do and I plan on being around for awhile so this is only the beginning and it's only going to get worse if this pettiness continues .I really don't want to give them up on days that they are supposed to be with me so would it kill you to acknowledge the consideration shown to you that wasn't extended to me on Easter and won't be on the weekend of D4's birthday. Why don't you tell your lawyer what it is you want so I can move on with my life like you have, try to remember that we once loved each other, even though we don't now.

Sure enough... it sounds like he set you up 100%. I don't know what he was looking for -- gratitude, some sense of forgiveness because of how sweet he was -- but you obviously didn't feed him whatever it was that he needed. So his seemingly kind act gets all twisted.

And then because he didn't get his fix, he drags the kids into the fray. Now he's going to guilt and shame and scare you into falling into line with whatever it is he's trying to extract from you -- control, connection, validation, whatever. Oh, the stories I could tell about how often I've been told I'm making the children suffer. Heck, in my last post I told about how she booked an all day event with D during my custody time and while I let D go, I said I wasn't happy and I got lambasted for putting D in the middle of a fight. Wha?.

I learned very early on to be very wary of sudden magnanimous gestures and I never asked for changes in schedule to accomdate "special days". When it comes down to it, Father's Day or my birthday is just another day on the calendar and we can celebrate it tomorrow or next week. That reminds me of a story: my birthday and my dad's are a day apart. Last year my dad planned to take us all out for dinner on his bday but D was with Ex that day. He really wanted his grandaughter to come but I wasn't messing with the custody arrangement. So I said, "Dad, I'm fine either way but if that is what you want, you'll have to arrange that with Stupidhead yourself". So he did and arranged to pick her up and drop her off leaving me completely out of it. Something went screwy in the communications between them about the time. Man, did I get lambasted by Ex -- somehow it made me controlling.


He seems upset that I wasn't grateful enough for his offer. It just is funny to me that he thinks my lack of emotion towards him is petty, when he threw my checks out for anyone to get their hands on, and he is so concerned about our children's welfare when he is the one screaming at me in front of our children.

Yeah, bizarre eh? I can't help but wonder... my Ex grew up in a fairly dysfunctional family environment and I'm starting to believe that she sees insults and threats as a perfectly normal way to construct a relationship. There may be a reason that my Ex has been estranged from her mother for some 15 years now. So when they are faced with someone who gets hurt by threats, or who doesn't like to be screamed at, they think it is the victim's fault because they're just doing relationships like they'd learned with their family.

The fact that Stupidhead can't see that her actions have caused serious damage to our relationship is telling. A normal person, one who sincerely wanted a good parenting relationship, might apologize for the screaming and the insults or try to make proper amends. Not her. She acts "normal" for a bit, then gradually ramps up the bullying and then lays the insults on when I refuse to take it. Then starts to act ultra-normal again. As if acting normal will make it all better. It doesn't. It just makes it crazier.



I am noticing a new pattern with him, when we get somewhat close to a court date that involves a possible decision regarding custody, he changes his tune and tries to sound like the mature adult in our relationship. He must be getting nervous about what might be decided by the court, this is the second time he has asked me what I want, and the last time this happened was right before a trial date as well.

I know this feeling too. Too often, the nice preceeds something really nasty that has usually been in the works for some time. I'm wondering what's coming after this week's ridonculous ultra-nice session.

I know that the court sessions are wearing on him, he HATES to be in the presence of authority and can't deal with the stress at all. This is my strategy, I want it to wear him down, if he knows what I want he will fight tooth and nail to make sure i don't get it. At the same time, he knows he is a monster and is afraid of becoming exposed. I have truth on my side and patience. I hope it pays off.



Good for you HDC. Patience, truth, grace. It will get you through in the long run. You seem to have a pretty good grasp on what is going on.

I think your Ex and mine are twins, btw. A lot of what you are going through sounds so eerily familiar.

Hugs

Kokoca

#4 hedoesntcare

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Posted 12 May 2012 - 11:11 PM

Thanks claudifred and Kokoka, I waited until this evening to respond to his email. I kept it to the two facts of the matter, I asked if he would confirm that he will meet me to exchange the children for mother's day and asked again for the daycare contact info. Short and to the point, businesslike and I did not respond to any of the other things he wrote. I am just going to be a broken record when he ignores the business matters that we have to discuss and dumps emotional junk on me instead. I will simply re-state the matters at hand and disregard anything extra.

I am moving next week to a quaint little 2 bedroom apartment in an awesome location. I am so excited to have a place of my own. I have been living rent free at a friend's house which she is trying to sell. She lives at another location, but I really don't feel fully independant.

I was contacted by the GAL's assistant on Friday and she inforrmed me that he wants to meet with me on Monday morning. I hope that is a good sign, he sent an email to our lawyers stating that he was scheduling a meeting with me and that he apologized for the delay in his decision and stated that this has been a very difficult case. I feel more confident seeing that he is not also meeting with my stbx, I wondered on Friday if he was going to meet with us both again. Finger's crossed, I hope this is a good thing.




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