I see that I do some of that stuff but you do some of it too.
I asked him, how did you expect me to respond after all the ways you mistreated me?
Because abuse back is still abuseive. Responging in kind is on us. But more importantly, how is this working for you?
he says something, you say something, then you say "you are mistreating me! he says "you just did the same thing! You are mistreating me!" NO! You mistraeated me first! SO what? You do the same! does that make it better because you did it second?"
How is this working? Someone hs to stop and break this cycle. You seem to feel he is abusive. Then it is inherant that he CAN NOT break the cycle. It is up to YOU. So learn how.
That does not mean he will stop being who he is. It means, you will see who he is, versus the escalated fight version of both of you. You will both get stress releif and hopefully, in the best of worlds, better communication through less fighting.
I've yelled back, walked away and avoided him-nothing I've done works.
None of these three will work because they are dysfunctional and possibly abusive. Try something new and try reading the gentle communication book. Try hearing his concerns about you without justifying your behavior. Appologize for things you did that were wrong, even if it was reacting to a wrong thing he did. own your stuff and forget about making him see his stuff.
His therapist recommended a book called "gentle verbal communication" (i think) and that was 3 weeks ago. He hasn't even bought the book to read. And today everything was going good UNTIL it was time to eat. God knows how many times he's done this but he got crabby AGAIN because he was hungry.
Many people do. It can be subclinical hypoglycemia. You say he has OCD and possibly bi polatr? It is very likely he has this condition which can alter his mood dramatically. I have hypoglygemia. I have the behavioral controls not to act out, but there are times when I don't. After 6 hours of skiing, I once had to pull over into a drugstore because I could feel my mood getting insane - so I ran in for some chocoalte. I watched myself almost knock over a woman with a walker because she was blocking th chocolate. It was an ut of body experience almost. I stopped myself, but I had no idea what I was doing for a second there.
I become distracted and soley focused on food when I am low in BG. I am irritable, have almost no ptince and can not be talked to if it is bad enough. I persoanlly know this and I shut down and shut up and eat.
If that's the case with your h. He might need to be mindful to eat at regular intrvals and never let his glucose drop.
Oh how I just want to smack him upside the head! He gets real short and impatient with the girls and I. My oldest didn't want to talk to him because he snapped at her. Can anyone tell me, does your h do this??? It's not a blood sugar problem is it? His dad does the same thing so I figured it was just a learned behavior and I've told him SO many times that it is not okay to act like this when you're hungry.
Sorry for venting but I guess it's a valid reason to call him STBX! Ugh!
I am pointing this stuff out only because you were originally saying you want to save your marriage.
If that's true- then you have to learn tools to change yourself.
I KNOW what it is to live with a damaged person. I KNOW what it is to have "normal bad stuff" and ABnormal bad stuff. There is a big difference.
We have to understand what those differences are and learn to tolerate the flaws of our partners, as they tolerate us, and to ADDRESS (maybe by leaving) the things which inherantly make a relationship impossible. Low BG and a grump when hungry is not a make or break. I don;t say that because I am hypoglycemic, I say it because beofre I was, I dated a hypoglycemic...and it is irrelevant because it is so obvious the person is having a physcial problem - like a broken leg...that gets cured with a cheeseburger!
This is all up to you. I am not there. You know the man. But, if you Do want to salavage your marriage - take his concerns seriously. If there are things which are totally from outer space (like accusing you of cheating when you are home all day baking cookies) - then put those back onto him. If there are things like "yelling back" - then take stock and change you.
Best "advice" I can give right now.