10 replies to this topic

[oneness]

Should we forgive our abusers? If we agree that abuse is a choice in behavior, then how can we forgive them? If I believed that my stupid head has no control over his behavior, does that mean he deserves forgiveness?

Forgiveness is healing, but I can't seem to do it. Maybe when I am able to detach from the effects of the abuse I will be able to do it. But I am depressed, and angry, and full of resentment. Deciding he has a full blown personality disorder does not help either.

What are your thoughts on this cat boxers?

[ktc]

Forgiveness is really more for you than it is for the offender. Its to free you. Its not saying what they did is ok. Its saying what they did was wrong but I choose to forgive you. I know its hard. I can forgive my ex but that doesn't mean that I can easily forget. It still hurts. What he has done to me was wrong but I forgive him, if I don't then I am still in bondage to him. Forgiving them frees us. They are still accountable for their actions, forgiving doesn't just let them off. It frees you from being tied to them. You will get through this stage of anger. Its part of the process. I was their but I am not anymore. I flucuate now with hurt, loving and missing him and then times of being stronger and knowing I did not deserve how he treated me and it was not good. But I am no longer angry. You will go through stages. Where you are at now will lift and it will be easier to forgive.

[pattycakes57]

Oneness,

It has been said/written that forgiveness is more about US than about THEM. It's about 'releasing' them with love, instead of holding on with anger. It's acceptance that even though the two of you are no longer together--for any reason-- that you don't wish any 'harm' to them.

Having written that, it does NOT mean that you must or even 'should' forgive someone "too soon", and it doesn't make you 'wrong' or 'weak' for not being able to do so. The grieving process takes time and it's different for everyone.

Feeling depressed, angry and even resentful is perfectly understandable, especially since the abuser is probably showing no remorse for her/her misdeeds. Forgiving them would be so much easier if we KNEW that they were sorry for what they've done. But that would mean that they would KNOW that they did something 'wrong' in the first place. Their arrogance won't allow them to admit any wrongdoing to themselves, to others and to us. And even if they DID admit anything, it doesn't mean they'd be sorry about it.

If in order to love someone else, we need to love ourselves first, couldn't we say the same thing about forgiveness?

Do we have to forgive ourselves first before we can forgive someone else?

Pattycakes

[SteffieB]

I have not and do not intend to forgive my xbf. I simply accept that as a psychopath, he is what he is and cannot be a human being. Much as you'd view the python who ate your cat...you don't exactly forgive that, you just accept that it is what it is, and it does what it does. Forgiveness doesn't mean anything when it comes to such a person, from my side or his. I just know to stay far away from him because his nature is to deal out pain to whomever he meets. You don't forgive the burning stove for giving you a blister. You just don't put your hand on the burner anymore.

[cocomama]

oneness,

I say be very patient with yourself. For one thind the anger/rage is normal. You have to work through it yourself and if that is where you are own it. You may not be in a place to forgive him even if you want to. I went through that as well for quite a long time I thought, at least 2 years for sure. I knew that I needed to forgive to get passed the anger but I couldn't for a long time. And in hindsight, it was what it was. I needed to concentrate on myself and I needed to go through that part. I know that you are working on yourself as far as therapy and I think this like the other isssues you are working on is a process and when you get to the place where you can forgive you will, if that is what you choose.

[Maddie_NY]

Forgive but do not ever forget. Forgiveness if not for them, it is for us. It frees us from the unhealthy attachment and the energy we spend holding on to anger. By holding on to anger, we continue giving them power over us, that's why it is healthy to release it (not because they deserve it- because they don't). I think I've quoted this here before: "holding on to anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die". I keep saying this, because I can hear myself better

[Maddie_NY]

By the way, Oprah says that "forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could be any different than it was". Another cool quote from her website:
"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." Catherine Ponder

[Tristis]

Should we forgive our abusers? If we agree that abuse is a choice in behavior, then how can we forgive them? If I believed that my stupid head has no control over his behavior, does that mean he deserves forgiveness?

Forgiveness is healing, but I can't seem to do it. Maybe when I am able to detach from the effects of the abuse I will be able to do it. But I am depressed, and angry, and full of resentment. Deciding he has a full blown personality disorder does not help either.

What are your thoughts on this cat boxers?

I am no longer angry or resentful. I have worked my way through that bit. Forgiveness? NO. I cannot forgive him for what he has done by his own choice all these years and yes he chose to be controlling and abusive. He willingly tried to destroy another human being ,someone whom he said he loved. He deceived me by marrying me. I am a forgiving person but not in this case. I admire those of you who can forgive but there is wonderment there too. I do not have your strength. I cannot find it in my heart.

[Maddie_NY]

Tristis, those are very valid points and understandable. Just keep in mind that forgiveness requires no change of behavior, in fact he doesn't ever have to know you've forgiven him, you don't have to say those words. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to tolerate him, smile, or behave any differently towards him (this would leave you resentful and vulnerable to more abuse). All it means is that you release yourself from under his control, because holding onto it is to let him continue to control you and to affect your life in the now. Forgiveness is not at all about him, it is about you, it is doing something nice for you, the best gift you can give yourself.
In the end, we are left with broken hearts and a lot of sadness, anger, resentment, trauma, and grief. And accepting that someone could do this willingly by choice is extremely hard. But you did not cause this, you could not have controlled it, and you cannot change it. His behavior has nothing to do with who you are, it has to do with who he is. Don't let this stop you from living peaceful and joyful life. ((((((hugs)))))

[SteffieB]

I honestly don't get why one has to forgive in order to separate oneself emotionally from someone who hurt you. I guess I miss the whole concept of forgiveness if the other person isn't truly a recipient of it and is utterly uninvolved in the act of forgiveness. What does forgiveness even mean in that situation? I mean, I've forgiven my xh and we've become good friends since we split, but he's a direct recipient of true forgiveness and earned a great deal of that forgiveness. My xbf is not, will not be, and cannot be. If I never see or hear from him again, I don't call moving past the pain "forgiveness" really. Maybe it's more like accepting that he's a piece of excrement that I'm better off without and never have to deal with again. But to forgive him? No, I can't really comprehend that.