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Poking the sleeping bear?


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#1 Onewiththecat

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Posted 14 April 2012 - 11:48 PM

Do any of you feel as if you are poking the bear when you do what you want, and not care if you get the negative reaction you know will result?

I found myself recognizing today that certain things I did would upset my VA/EA H and I just didn't care. I did what I wanted. For example:

The neighborhood girls came over to play with D7. We found the sidewalk chalk and I let them go at the front walk. Granted, in hindsight, might not have been the best idea because it might get tracked into the house, but everyone had fun. Well I realized the chalk pictures are right where H stands outside when he is smoking, and I let the girls draw there anyway.

I can't help but think this may be an example of passive aggressive tendencies on my part because 1. I don't care, and 2. I'm almost happy that he would be upset. I mean, it would serve him right after the way he treats me at times, as if this is my way of expressing my anger about it. Pretty messed up and petty of me. I hate being that person. Any thoughts about this subject? Anyone else gleefully poking the bear?

Just a little backstory:

H usually makes snide remarks about things I do, or most recently, things I don't do. I recently told him I do not respond to snide remarks and walked away.

I work full time at a demanding job, go to school full time, and help take care of the girls when I am home. He does do most of the cooking and picks the girls up, but only because I have a long commute and my job is long term, where his is not. I flat out told him if he wants me to help more with the house and kids, we need to move closer to my job. So there is a bit of tension because I am sure he feels like he does everything.

I see his point about his claim that he does EVERYTHING, but I do what I can, when I can.

#2 SteffieB

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 09:27 AM

I...um....let's see, if one partner works full-time, goes to school full-time, and takes care of kids....isn't the other partner just supposed to step up and cover the rest like cooking and cleaning...isn't it kind of just part of the "supporting one another" deal that you make?

I think it depends on what things you're doing to poke the bear. If it's just normal stuff that you should be able to do as a grown adult anyway, then I say carry on and be yourself and if he gets angry, that's his choice. If it's stuff designed intentionally to make him angry just for fun, that's really not healthy. Him being messed up doesn't mean that you should be messed up too. That's not good for you.
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#3 DawnC

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 02:08 PM

I don't think you did anything wrong to allow the kids to use chalk where he stands to smoke, unless you TOLD them to color there specifically. You're only human, so if the idea of annoying him a little (as payback) occurs to you, that's normal. As much as possible, though, I'd stick to your nobler instincts and avoid deliberately poking that bear. You'll probably feel better about yourself for taking the high road and he's trouble enough as he is.

#4 Onewiththecat

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 02:49 PM

No, I didn't intentionally tell them to draw there. Some of the girls had already started drawing while others were picking up the backyard. So by the time I got around the house, they were already drawing, so what was the point of stopping them when it can be washed off anyway? That was my first thought, which was then followed by what his reaction would be. But even that wasn't enough for me to stop them, for some reason, and I felt satisfied about that.

Maybe I wasn't intentionally trying to make him fly into a rage after all, and just believing the things he always tells me. Huh.

Update in that: he and D7 went to church. D7 told me there was a big bee flying around the car when they got home and was afraid to get out. He got frustrated and I could hear him when they came up the walk. Something about dnot stepping on her mess, because your d*** mother didn't have the brains to think it would be tracked in the house. Then he tried very hard to goad me into a fight because he thought I didnt do anything while he was gone, when in actualality, I had just finished a few chores and sat down five minutes before they walked in the door.

I just told him not to start a fight with me and I wasn't going to respond.


#5 DawnC

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 04:38 PM

Good for you not rising to that bait. And after all, what's a little chalk tracked in going to hurt anyway?! ;)

#6 cocomama

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 07:15 PM

Good for you not rising to that bait. And after all, what's a little chalk tracked in going to hurt anyway?! ;)


Its not like he is cleaning up anyway...




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