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I'm new and scared

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#1 Bugsieboo2



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Posted 14 April 2012 - 03:07 AM

I'm in need of a listening ear. I'm lost and confused and hate where my life is at right now.

I'm 32- married for 10 years, and thought our marriage was pretty fantastic... until a couple of weeks ago. My husband and I were having some drinks one night, and eveything was going great. We were up talking and laughing and having a real good time, when I suddenly realized it was 4:30am, and said that I wanted to go to sleep.

Apparently he thought we were going to have sex, and all of the sudden got real pissed and started yelling at me that I must be sleeping with someone else (totally not true). He proceeded to scream louder calling me names like "slut" and "whore" while I was crying asking him to stop, and he just wouldn't. I was so crushed and hurt, and just wanted him to stop yelling at me. In an attempt to get him to stop, I grabbed the back of his neck with my fingernails, and that made him go ape poo. He threw my arm into the wall and then started yelling that he hated me and wanted a divorce. This went on for a couple minutes, and it was horrid. I tried to knee him in his man parts hoping to get him hard enough to drop him so he'd stop being so cruel, but he's got quick reflexes, and punched me hard in the side of the leg.

That was when I realized that it didn't matter what I did, he was out for blood................mine. I put my hands in the air as if to show that I was surrendering, and backed away from him. He started screaming that he was gonna go wake up the kids (9 and 3) and tell them goodbye because he was leaving and he was never going to see us again. He was raging pissed and drunk. I did not want him going anywhere near those children, so as he was walking up the stairs, I was chasing after him, pulling on his shirt and telling him not to because he was drunk and he was doing something stupid that he was gonna regret in the morning. We got to the top of the stairs where the kids room is, and I pushed him away from the door.....

God--- he reached his hand back, doubled up his fist, and punched me in the eye three times as hard as he could, splitting my eyebrow open which required 9 stitches. I fell back and my hand hit the wall, fracturing it. As soon as he hit me, I ran back downstairs and called 911, and he still went into the kids room. His yelling from after the leg punch woke up the 9 year old- who heard half the fight, and heard his dad hit me. My husband told my son that he was gonna go to jail for a long time and just said to me "I'm going to the police station" as he walked by me a bloody mess on the floor, waiting for the ambulance. The look in his eye right before he hit me was awful. It was as if he'd been waiting for the moment for a while... and he was happy it was finally here.

We have had a couple of alcohol induced fights before, but none like this... there are two others in which he started freaking out, and calling me names and saying that he didn't want to be with me anymore to the point where I got mad at I have hit him a couple of times. He always acts the next day as if I was the one that went crazy and was hitting him for no reason, but then he would tell me that he liked me being fiesty. It ment that I wouldn't let anyone mess with me or our kids... I didn't realize that he really just liked to fight with me.

Well- he went to jail for a week, and the state has issued a no contact order so he can't talk to me or the kids. He is now looking at a felony on his record, and hopefully 5 years felony probation (Probably more jail time too).

I really would like for someone to please tell me what the f&$% just happened to my life?!?!?!?

#2 Tristis



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Posted 14 April 2012 - 05:29 AM

First I am sending you a big ((((((HUG)))))) You have had one terrible experience. However on the upside I admire you for how you handled it. Well done that took a lot of courage.
You ask what happened. I think if you read through this site and look back through your relationship you will see this did not come out of the blue. There have been signs/ red flags. You need to do your homework before this man (if you can call him that) tries to get back into your life which he probably will.
He is dangerous. Make no bones about it. Stay away from him. You took a huge step now just keep walking. Lots of support on here for you when things get rough. Now take care of yourself and your wee ones. I hope your physical wounds are healing. What a dreadful experience.

#3 lionheart



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Posted 14 April 2012 - 03:31 PM

Big Hugs from me too Bugsieboo. And it sounds like time apart is exactly what you and your husband (H) need.

I have to ask though, have you asked yourself whether one or both of you may have an alcohol problem that needs immediate attention? Because if you two are getting drunk and then getting into physical fights it seems like a fair quesiton.

And though there's no doubt your H has got his share of blame for things it might be time to stop and consider your own behavior carefully too. For example, in the two physical altercations you report you put your hands on him first (or so it seemed to me), whereas leaving the room or the house (assuming you didn't have to drive a car to do so) would have seemed like a better alternative if he was name-calling and screaming at you.

So separation is probably best right now. Are you doing anything else to get some help, like seeking counseling or therapy, attending a support group, or getting help from family or friends?
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#4 Bugsieboo2



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Posted 15 April 2012 - 01:01 AM

I admire you for asking that. Thank you for making me think. I know we both drink too much... well- did. I haven't touched the stuff since, and don't plan to. Now I can say "the last time I drank, I ended up w/ 9 stitches in my head and a broken hand... that's enough to remind me of it's destructive properties. Really... who benefits from it???? Sometimes it's fun, but SO MANY other times one wakes up the next day either regretting some rediculous action the night before, or sick and throwing up (or BOTH- :1198: and who wants that??). And H and I have always only known each other as partiers ( except pregnant and breastfeeding, when I quit).

I would love to go to meetings, but H is going to the only one in town and because of the no contact order, I can't be there too... but I honestly haven't wanted to drink since that night. My family and friends are in town, and are stopping by and calling, and being a big support. The problem I'm running into there is they are all pretty much saying "kick him to the curb" when (as crazy as it may sound) I don't want to. I know that alcohol is a HUGE HUGE HUGE part of our problem, and I really want it out of our lives for good. When we are sober, we have a ton of fun, and our family is awesome.

What scares me is that he might not ever quit for good... or that the drink just brings out a beast that is really a part of his personality... and I'm SSSOOOOO scared that if I ever see that look in his eye again that I'm gonna be dead on the other side of it. I don't know... trust has been broken, and boy howdy he said some mean stuff... drunk or not- those words still hurt. And the fact that I was standing at the top of the stairs when he hit me. I'm fortunate I didn't fall down them and break my neck. But at the same time- he has a ton of positive traits and I want to believe that he regrets it and this was the incident that opened his eyes to how terrible our drinking really is. I know it opened mine (well... once I could see out of both of them again-lol O_O )

#5 DawnC



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Posted 15 April 2012 - 01:42 PM

When people suggest you do not take him back, they may be thinking the most of your kids. You are the only thing standing between this man and two vulnerable children. If he HAD seriously injured or accidentally killed you, they would now be his full-time responsibility. They would be alone with him and dependent on him for their care. What do you think about that mental picture? What does your inner mama bear say to the scenario of his having custody of your kids? What if he had reached for a weapon instead of using his fist? What if you HAD fallen down those stairs? What if one of your children had tried to defend you and he had turned that rage on them?

That terrifying look in his eye? Trust your instinct that this was, indeed, the look of someone capable of a crime of passion, of murder, whether he would even contemplate such a thing while sober. That wild-eyed, out-of-control drunk man exists within the sober man, meaning you can't really trust the sober man completely.

Saying a man who attacked you with such violence is fun and has lots of positive qualities is like saying someone is such a good person except for that time they burned your house down or stole your car or got you fired from your job. Sometimes one negative thing can overshadow a LOT of good things because of how serious it is. When his fist connected with your face, he violated his covenant with you to love, honor, and protect. That one act of violence could rightfully and with total justification close the door on his access to you and the kids.

And, I have to wonder if things were really so fantastic before this incident...for you to be with someone for 10 years and for this to be the FIRST time he's called you these names and put his hands on you? Are there other red flags and warnings you're brushing off or glossing over in your mind because you want to think of this as an isolated incident that came out of nowhere? Did it really come out of nowhere, intruding into an otherwise great relationship as a total surprise? Can you think of other things that may have led up to this attack? Other, less frightening incidents that nevertheless signaled something was wrong?

I'm glad you're trying to avoid alcohol after this happened. One reason I'm inquiring about your relationship's history is the idea that many people drink too much to escape from something painful or boring or otherwise bothersome in their 'real life'...as a form of self-medication. Not saying you do, just that a lot of people drink for that reason. My particular self-medication is too much tv and overeating. For others, it is obsessive gaming or smoking or some other distraction.

But mainly, Bugsieboo, I think about those little children in their beds while a rabid dog stalked the stairs and attacked their mother. I think of them possibly overhearing his punching you, later seeing your bruises and your stitches and maybe imagining his fist connecting with your face over and over again...maybe now fearful of what might happen to them next time. They are victims of this attack, too. And they're not even my children and my mama bear feels a roar building in my throat at the thought of any harm coming to them. Please take care of them and take care of yourself. Your little family deserves to feel safe, to BE safe. The good times aren't good enough if they carry such risk of real personal harm.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) I'm so sorry this happened. I hope you can find some local support, but this board is a very good start!

#6 Onewiththecat



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Posted 15 April 2012 - 04:23 PM

I'm so sorry this happened to you, Bugsieboo! Dawn has such a wonderful way of putting things into perspective, especially when the children are involved.

I dont about previous incidents, but my impression is it seems like this incident was an
eruption of something that has been building for a while. And when you think this whole thing started because he expected sex, it is truly vile. As if you are just a thing meant to satisfy his needs.

Lots of good advice and perspectives in these forums meant to help you realize you do deserve to think of yourself. You do matter and you deserve to be treated as a human being with thoughts and feelings.

Many hugs to you Bugsieboo!

#7 jmh53



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Posted 16 April 2012 - 06:14 PM

I've been out 6 years divorced 5 and remarried to a wonderul man who doesn't abuse me.

You made the right choice by calling 911 protecting you and your children.

I know your not wanting to divorce your h however, that fact that he injured you so severely tells me he could do this again with worse consequences for you and maybe even your children.

Obviously you have to be the one to figure out what you want to do about the situation but I would stongly recommend you get into counseling ASAP along with finding a group for women who have experienced domestic violence.

Go to the library and get the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. I can't remember who the author is and all my books are packed since I'm selling my home. After reading that book, I realized I had been in an abusive relationship for many years.

I will say if it wasn't for the support of this board, I don't think I ever would've filed for divorce. Keep reading and keep posting.

Hugs to you and your children. So sorry your going through this.

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