The dilemma of hope....
Posted 23 March 2012 - 11:56 PM
I hate it! The only thing that pulls me out of that rabbit hole of self-indictment is to run through a mental list of many of the atrocious things he has done and said to me over the years. This, too, I loathe because it forces me to relive the past horrors of our relationship.
I know that the ability to hope and trust proves that I'm generally a good human being, but it certainly makes it easy for him to hurt me again when he is so inclined. I can't put any faith in this hope, because there is no happy future for our relationship.
I find myself wishing he would be abusive again just so that I could feel justified in leaving him. I actually dislike the niceness because it makes me more vulnerable, and I still have to keep going over and over his past transgressions so that I won't get completely broadsided when the rage monster surfaces again.
Posted 24 March 2012 - 12:14 AM
Posted 24 March 2012 - 05:23 AM
I mean, if someone shoots your dog on Wednesday and mows your yard and weeds your garden on Friday, you wouldn't be okay with them and feel badly about being angry at them because they did something "so nice" for you two days later.
Well put Steffie.
The best hope we have is to get out in one piece and be able to recover from the abuse. The nice guy act is confusing, but it's pure manipulation. It's part of the grooming. If they were nice guys, none of us would be on this board
Posted 24 March 2012 - 06:56 AM
Once O asked me what he hoped for our future...I told him I had no hope and there was no future - because he had not done the hard work to change. He did not like that and said we should go our separate ways....but I could not lie and give him false hope and he had failed me so many times, there was no way I was going to open myself up for that hurt again!
"hope springs eternal," not a good saying when you are hoping an abuser has or will change!
Posted 24 March 2012 - 08:15 AM
Edited by maryliz01, 24 March 2012 - 08:16 AM.
Posted 24 March 2012 - 08:55 AM
I was always waiting for Mr Hyde to appear when he was being "nice".
Posted 24 March 2012 - 09:01 AM
Posted 24 March 2012 - 07:10 PM
Posted 24 March 2012 - 07:15 PM
I guess this is one reason why it is so strongly recommended to go "no contact" with your abuser once you have gotten away. Unfortunately I don't have that luxury right now so I think I do have to be ultra careful not to get sucked into accepting less than I deserve just to keep the peace. We've been tentatively discussing the settlement terms and his idea of what is fair is not a 50:50 split, but I've been leaning towards not going 50:50 just to keep the peace. But you give an inch and he takes a mile... and maybe he's just a great actor or maybe he really believes it, but he carries on like what he is proposing IS "even"!!! I guess I am trying to be accommodating since we well may still be working with each other when the divorce is finalized. But... we'll see. At a certain point, it really doesn't matter to me anymore and in many ways it probably really would be better for me to not work with him.
In any case, for this reason and others I really do urge anyone who divorces an abuser to try to go no contact as much as possible!! Obviously sometimes that can't be done 100% if there are kids or the work situation is such, but still -- to the maximum extent that you can, it's probably a good idea to try to not have contact!
Posted 24 March 2012 - 07:38 PM
Brought flowers not because he felt bad that he hurt me, he did it to feel better about himself.
Yes, I think that is it! Once I finally accepted that everything was always about them, no exceptions, I came to the realization that the nice person behavior was to show themselves that they were not the abusive person they had shown me that they were. I think that is why it seems so phoney. Because it is. They weren't actually being a nice person. They were just doing the stuff they thought a nice person would do.
Does that make sense?
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