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I Am Part of the Problem


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#1 oneness

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 01:34 PM

I have realized how much I am to blame in my recent drama with O. Dr. Irene talks about this. I have been conditioned to be hyper-sensitive when he and I fight, and go into "fight or flight," mode. I have a deep seated fear of his anger, and avoid things or shut down when topics get raised that have caused conflict and abuse from him in the past. I feel like I am just so damaged, like I have PTSD. This fight was not all his fault, my fear of his anger caused a breakdown in communication. He is very sensitive to my moods, and reacted to my shutting down - which made me react even worse.

He started this dynamic years ago with his abuse, his scary rages. I used to just take it, until I stopped taking it. But I have gone down a wrong path, a reactionary path. I feel really bad, knowing the part I played. He has been better about controlling his scary anger, but the attempts to control still get to me. Also, his crazy-making when he tries to tell me what I think or feel. But this time, his crazy-making was in response to my pulling away and failure to communicate.

I still wonder if things are salvageable, or if our relationship is just too damaged to ever work again. I guess I am feeling guilty for my part in this, and in response want to make amends.

Okay everyone, tell me I am being foolish again! I am an A class fool...

#2 la_chica

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 01:41 PM

From my point of view, it seems like you really love the drama of the relationship with O. No matter how you try to justify your love, or explain why he is ok, or reason that you acted wrong, in all of your posts the thing that resounds is that you two have a very, very unhealthy relationship dynamic.

I wish you the best of luck in your struggle.

#3 Kris

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 02:08 PM

Yes, I agree with La Chica.. as well as Pru's earlier post. It is not meant as a criticism of you, please don't take it that way. But you have already said that you suffer from bipolarity, so it is not totally unexpected that you would have certain difficulties as well as O in having a healthy relationship. I don't think you really expected O to back off like he did, so you are now very disappointed and regretful. But he is probably struggling mightily with the pain that the dynamics of this relationship causes him (the same kind of pain that you have), so it well may be that he has finally come to the conclusion that he cannot control you, he cannot change you, and it's not healthy for him so he has to let it go.

I don't know what the answer is. I feel like it's kind of similar to the situation in Gone With The Wind where the audience can see so clearly that Rhett loves Scarlet and Scarlet loves Rhett when she is close to death after her miscarriage and the audience knows that both of them desperately want to reconcile but it never happens because both of them have too many issues that just get in the way and prevent the resolution that could have been. And it's a tragedy.

But first off you really do need to work on your own issues with a counselor who is very experienced in this area. Hopefully he would do the same. And only after sorting out much of what contributes to each of your drives towards drama and fireworks, maybe you would both be in a place where joint counseling, again with a specially trained counselor in this area, might be able to identify ways to improve how you both interact with each other.

I may be totally off-base here, so you can take what I write with a grain of salt. But I too really did think similarly to what La Chica wrote that you seem to be addicted to the drama and the intensity of feelings you get from the dynamics of your relationship with O. It is oftentimes said that we get in this kind of situation because it is the perfect distraction so we don't have to confront our own personal issues that are just too scary or too troubling for us to confront. But if you would confront them, so many other things in your life would just get sooooo much better. And it really is only after confronting them and learning how to deal with them that you will be in a place where you can have a healthy relationship.

It's a normal situation. That's why I myself wrote after I filed for divorce that I realize that as hard as it was for me to take the step towards getting out of my abusive situation, I do realize that this is actually only the beginning of my recovery. I will not be "recovered" until I understand why I got into the situation that I was in and why I tolerated it for as long as I did... and I learn to make the necessary changes to not be like that anymore.

So it's a tough pill to swallow. But I do think in the long run it's going to be worth it. And I think you might benefit from thinking about things in the same way, too. :wub:

#4 oneness

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 02:41 PM

Chica, Kris - I don't think I love the drama, or seek to create it - but I am conditioned in my relationship with O to get into it all the time. Even when there was no drama between us, in the first year or so, there was drama in our individual lives - especially his. He is very bipolar, and his whole life has been full of drama. I had 9 drama free years with my exh, we had a very peaceful, loving relationship until our son was born - then my exh became extremely bipolar and full of drama, ranting and venting - I just numbly took it for years, until I had enough. Being bipolar sucks....

I agree that I need counseling - I would be in it now but my therapist stepped away from her practice in September of 2011 - she has breast cancer. I really wish I could find another therapist, but I loved mine the best - starting over with another one who does not know my history with O is hard.

O was in therapy, and still has group therapy. We also did couples therapy with my therapist, but O was still drinking then and I feel we accomplished nothing because the booze negated everything.

O and I were doing pretty good this time, 3 months with little drama. He used to cause the drama between us by being over-the-top abusive when he could not control me. One time he decided to kill himself, went around giving away his possessions and then took a bunch of pills with alcohol. All because I did something without his "permission," that should not have needed his permission anyway! Then he called me, and old codependent me went to the rescue.....So many times I rescued him, it is ridiculous! I got him out of jail 3 times, out of the hospital when he nearly drank himself to death, stopped him from drinking himself to death another time....ugh. So codependent it is ugly! I stopped rescuing him a while back and what a relief that was...

I don't want the drama, I do want help getting myself out of this mess. I don't like what I have become, I don't like it at all! My friend M once told me that you can get addicted to a bipolar person and their drama...maybe he was right.

#5 oneness

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 03:01 PM

Okay, I am looking at some potential new therapists. Going to make some calls, I am worse for wear after 4 years with O....he has made me as crazy as he is! Now I don't know any better, and I am disgusted with myself.....

#6 sren

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 03:06 PM

I agree that I need counseling - I would be in it now but my therapist stepped away from her practice in September of 2011 - she has breast cancer. I really wish I could find another therapist, but I loved mine the best - starting over with another one who does not know my history with O is hard.


Maybe a fresh perspective from a new therapist is just what you need-- look for someone who has specific training in DV. Most therapists do not have it and don't know what they don't know. Alanon or CODA may be helpful as well.

#7 la_chica

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 03:28 PM

Don't be disgusted with yourself!!!! No need to be....it's much more productiv
e to work on the solution. :)

#8 oneness

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 03:30 PM

Maybe a fresh perspective from a new therapist is just what you need-- look for someone who has specific training in DV. Most therapists do not have it and don't know what they don't know. Alanon or CODA may be helpful as well.


I go to Alanon, and it is very helpful. I just called a psychologist who takes my insurance, and hopefully she calls me back. I will keep trying, until I can find someone who can help me - someone who treats people who have suffered from DV and are now all messed up like me....

#9 oneness

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 03:32 PM

Don't be disgusted with yourself!!!! No need to be....it's much more productiv
e to work on the solution. :)


Yeah, I am working on a solution. My codependency made me seek my first therapist, now my scrambled brains from years of DV is making me search for a new one....made one call already.

#10 donnelle

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 04:42 PM

good for you for taking that first step!




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