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What if you find you don't miss H?


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#1 ksr

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 09:30 AM

I have been separated for a week & a half and maybe it is just too soon but what has hit me is I don't miss him at all. Except for the last couple of months where he was trying (i.e. helping more with the girls, around the house, etc.). It hit me I was doing it all before, I don't see any difference other than he's not physically present. I feel bad and kind of mean cause I feel this way but mostly sad that all these years of marriage and I don't miss him.

He on the other hand is desperate and trying things like sending me "compliment" emails, asking me if we can just chit chat about the girls or whatever. He also tried to get me to go to couples counseling again for the 2nd time even though he signed a contract that stated he could not participate in couples counseling during his 26 week group therapy. I reminded him of this and he said well if he had to he'd just start the group therapy over. I told him that couples counseling would not be productive as I was not ready and we need to work on ourselves individually first before we can work together. His response was "Ok, I understand". He also asked me "again" when we could have our first date, I have no interest in having a date with him at this time. That also makes me feel bad.

He sends me a compliment yesterday on how I make great cookies and he was headed out to get our D13 a big birthday present and have a nice evening, I responded with are you getting d13 a bball hoop and he said "yes". She really wanted that but I didn't respond to is compliment.

I guess right now I'm leaning toward divorce and I think fear is keeping me from telling him the whole truth probably because in the back of my mind I say, he's trying, give it more time maybe I'll feel something. Sorry for my rambling. Just confused. Anyone else been in this situation where you felt "numb" and very happy not to have to deal with all the ups and downs like you did when your SO was living with you?

Thanks,
KSR

#2 cocomama

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 11:17 AM

I'm not sure because I am still in but I am beginning to think I will feel the same as you do. Once you are no longer in a stressful environment what is there to miss?

#3 ksr

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 11:30 AM

Good point Cocomama, what is there to miss in a stressful situation.

#4 claudifred

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 11:45 AM

When I was still married to my ex, our infant son (7 monhts old) had to be hospitalized for 2 weeks. We decided it would be best for me to stay in the hospital with him, while my ex stayed at home to care for our other son who was 5 and in Kindergarten.
My baby was *VERY* ill.
I slept on a fold-out bed next to him for 11 nights, while nurses came in every 4 hours around the clock. I only left his room for brief visits to the cafeteria for food.

When my son was discharged and it was time to go home... I CRIED because living in the hospital with him was SO GOOD compared to living at home with my ex, I didn't want to leave!!!

I started making phone calls for my own counseling, real estate agent, and divorce lawyer shortly after that.

I had plenty of guilt when my ex started trying to zero in on me with all the things he was sorry he would lose. But the reality was, he never seemed to care about them before, and I knew now that I was definitely capable of being happy without him.
I never ran out of steam after that hospital stay.

Remember to stay in YOUR reality... don't get suckered by his.

(hug)

#5 ksr

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 11:57 AM

Claudried, I can so relate! Thanks for that last quote

Remember to stay in YOUR reality... don't get suckered by his.


This is so true, I think that is what is happening I'm getting suckered back in with his "niceness" - thanks for the reality check.

#6 SteffieB

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:34 PM

Your guilt could also be a holdover from the abuse trap of trying to avoid conflict and abuse by focusing only on his feelings and making them the only feelings that counted. That is a survival mechanism in an abusive relationship and it is a hard one to shake once you're out. It takes time to get to the point where your own feelings can be a priority and you don't feel the need to try and make them happy or subvert your own thoughts and feelings to avoid upsetting them. You might be 100% done with this marriage. And that is not only okay, but it is a perfectly natural and justifiable place to be in. You do not owe him another day as his wife. He destroyed the marriage; that wasn't you. Of course he can be nice and complimentary and appear compassionate and caring. How else would you have wound up with him in the first place? Abusive man needs his nice personal to get him in the door. Abusive Man is out the door again, and Nice Guy (who still doesn't respect your boundaries) is back in place as scheduled. All is going as expected, really.

The only reason that you require to be done with this marriage is your own desire to be done with this marriage. You do not need to justify it with anything else.

#7 donnelle

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:51 PM

i just want to say that it seems really healthy in my opinion that you don't want him back and don't miss him after what he's put you through. So often I have wondered how on earth I could miss my ex and want him back after the way he treated me! It feels like I am sick or in denial of reality or something....

#8 ksr

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 01:11 PM

Steffie B I think you might be right the guilt is a holdover from the abuse trap. I'm still thinking of "his" feelings and feel bad that "he" feels bad. I need to get stronger and concentrate on how I feel and what I want cause I still think of things in terms of what will make him happy or how not to rock the boat if you will when we are separated I should be concentrating on me and getting stronger.

Thank you Donnelle you think it is really healthy and it probably is, just the holdover from being an "enabler" to the every whim of "H".

#9 la_chica

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 01:17 PM

ksr, I went through the same thing! I was so happy to be away and living on my own, meanwhile feelings bad for feeling good because I knew that he was suffering!

I'm over it now, though. just plain happy.

#10 ksr

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 01:37 PM

la_chica I hope I can get to just plain happy soon and quit worrying about him, the one thing is when I was miserable starting last May and kept begging for months to see a counselor, etc. & he refused he didn't seem to worried about my feelings then and now I've moved way past that and I'm on the other end and he's just starting his journey and why do I feel the need to "help" him or feel bad for him when he wasn't there for me?




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