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No Hoovering?

hoovering

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#1 oneness

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 10:38 AM

On Friday I told O that I had nothing to say to him and to leave me alone - and he did. It is Tuesday, and for the first time in the 4 years I have known him he is not hoovering! Granted, when he was drinking he used to hoover really relentlessly. He is dry now, but this is still not like him. I am relieved, but suspicious at the same time. There was no closure here - we had a fight and I told him to leave me alone. I understand that what probably happened was after so many months of no real problems between us, he got comfortable - and started the controlling and crazy-making again and that is why I cut him off. Of course he was acting like the injured party, I was being "mean," boo hoo, poor baby! I don't fall for that cr@p anymore. He can't play his mind games with me anymore - if he thought he could I just proved him wrong.

This is not easy for me, though relatively speaking I am handling it okay. I am not hurt so much as angry - and anger is good for me. Anger keeps me strong. Most of my life I had a problem getting angry - when I should have got angry I never did. I buried it and it poisoned me. I suffer from a form of bipolar depression - not much mania, more depression. Before the advent of medication, my inability to get angry and to deal with stress used to send me into a nose dive. I am a little depressed now, but it is not clinical depression - I think because I can get angry this protects me.

I think I will wait until next week some time to contact O and get my stuff from him. But why do I feel like I am in a Mexican stand off? I guess you can say I am giving him the silent treatment but I am just surprised he is taking it. He is such a control freak, and he has abdicated control to me. This is really weird....

I want to thank you all for your support, you guys keep me sane and strong. Coming here to the forum everyday is what kept me sharp - so that as soon as he started the crazy-making I did not fall for it. :wub:

#2 SteffieB

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 10:56 AM

Or...he doesn't think that you really want him to stay away, and he's "punishing" you by not giving you all that hoovering that you "never really deserved" but he just knows that you are expecting and really want. That is quite possible too. Their brains are full of land mines and odd twists and turns.

#3 oneness

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 11:05 AM

Or...he doesn't think that you really want him to stay away, and he's "punishing" you by not giving you all that hoovering that you "never really deserved" but he just knows that you are expecting and really want. That is quite possible too. Their brains are full of land mines and odd twists and turns.


HA! Yeah, he might be thinking that way! That way in his mind he has control! But when I put the restraining order on him that was a BIG sign I meant it when I told him to leave me alone...I am sure that at that time he would have kept up the hoovering if I had not done it! Let him think what he wants I guess, as long as he stays away. I want there to be a nice chunk of time gone by before I contact him to get the rest of my stuff that he has.....

#4 lionheart

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 11:14 AM

You can drive yourself totally bats trying to guess what they're thinking and why they're doing what they're doing.

The only way I know of to bring yourself true and lasting clarity and peace is to decide what YOU want and then to start taking steps -- baby steps at first -- toward making what YOU want into reality.

If what you want is to get your stuff back, and that's all, there is no need for you to contact him yourself. You can ask a friend or relative or trusted co-worker to contact him and make that happen.

If what you want is something else then I would say you've got some hard thinking to do and some hard questions to ask yourself. It might be best to not do anything though until you've taken some time to go a little further along in that process.

It's hard I know. But the payoff in terms of your emotional peace and serenity will be priceless. :wub:

#5 oneness

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 11:28 AM

If what you want is to get your stuff back, and that's all, there is no need for you to contact him yourself. You can ask a friend or relative or trusted co-worker to contact him and make that happen.


Sorry, I have no one who can get my stuff. My family hate him - they think I got rid of him a year ago- not opening that can of worms! I have few friends, and the ones I have are guys - that could be a major confrontation and I don't want any bloodshed (seriously). I have no co-workers, I am unemployed.

I will ask him to drop off my stuff in a bag at the mailbox in front of the property he lives on (the house a couple acres away from the road and mailbox so he could not even see me pull up). He did that last time. He has about $100 + of my CDs that I want back, and some clothes I left there that I wish I hadn't left.

I won't try and figure him out - what is the use? In the past, he used to do crazy things when we were apart to make me come back and I always fell for it. Somehow, this time is different. I don't get that tingle of intuition that tells me he is up to something insidious, and my intuition is always right. Of course, there is that part of me that I stifle saying, "He is trying to show you he has changed by respecting your space, see?" Yeah, riiiiight......

#6 claudifred

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 11:33 AM

It is unsettling when they stop hoovering, even though we want them to stop! I remember going through feelings of fear (will he hurt me?) elation (he got it! he's changing!) and freedom (he's gone for good - yay!)

Regardless, please don't waste any energy in trying to figure him out. Go about your business, creating the life you want and deserve! :)

Edited by claudifred, 20 March 2012 - 11:33 AM.


#7 donnelle

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:24 PM

Yes, as long as you keep concentrating on him and what he is or is not doing, you are shortchanging yourself. You are still giving your power over to him, even if only in your mind.

Make this time about you and healing and your next steps in life!!!

#8 oneness

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:25 PM

Regardless, please don't waste any energy in trying to figure him out. Go about your business, creating the life you want and deserve! :)


Oh, I am going about my business! This can't paralyze me, don't worry! Life is the same for me, looking for work and taking care of my son. I will never let O or any other man get in the way of my getting my life the way I want it!

#9 oneness

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:42 PM

. You are still giving your power over to him, even if only in your mind.

Make this time about you and healing and your next steps in life!!!


Lol....you sound like my former best friend! This is not consuming so much of my mind as to veer me off course. It just feels strange - he is not behaving like the O I know. My mind is analytical to a fault sometimes, asking what is really going on. I am fine, not sad and just a little angry sometimes. Eventually my mind will stop chewing on trying to figure out what is going on - and meanwhile It is life as usual - just with this deafening silence between O and I that niggles at me.

#10 oneness

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 01:16 PM

This is the kind of cr@p I am used to getting from O. This email exchange went on all day, I was at court getting a restraining order against him while this happened. I had to keep him off track, he used to be so unpredictable if I did not respond to him he might try and track me down.....

I dont hate you, you are not a worthless c***

I need to see you this morning

please come here

please tell me that you will come here

please




10/4/11
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to O
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No, never.

Sent from my iPhone

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O

10/4/11
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to me
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yes

please say you will come

no more BS from you please


O
Sent: Tuesday, October 4, 2011 8:08 AM
Subject: Re: i need to see you

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10/4/11
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to me
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you started all this 1 week ago we were fine, then you started all this bs and I dont understand why.
Come expllain

No fighting




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