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So many women living like this...


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#1 Always Confused

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 09:55 AM

I share a driveway with my neighbor. Over the years, I've never discussed my marriage or my husband's psyche with her, but I figured she's had some hints. He's generally very nice to her, but he cannot always contain his Mr Hyde.

My neighbor's husband died young, maybe 10 or so years ago (after we lived next to them for about 10), of a heart attack caused by his diabetes. He had been a cop. I found it interesting that she almost blossomed after his death - a short mourning period, but then she set about renovating and redecorating her house, and so many things changed. I had a hint, from this, that he'd been either an EA or a VA, because her life got so organized and so calm, after he died. But she never said anything BAD about him. Ever. Or said anything about the effect his death had on her life.

The other day, despite my usual "keeping quiet about what an a**hole my husband can be because he's not always an a**hole," I decided to tell her that he had decided to stop walking, caring for, talking to or even looking at the dog. She knew him to love our new dog, so she couldn't believe it, but then I saw a wave of recognition wash over her, as she remembered, clearly, where this behavior came from.

In that conversation, she actually said to me, "Be careful." I'm not sure what she thinks he's capable of, but she clearly had behaviors like this be, in her past, precursors to something worse.

Yesterday, I ran into her again, and she asked if it was continuing (the ignoring of the dog) and we talked briefly about how trying to figure out why didn't make any sense, because we were logical people trying to apply logic to an illogical behavior.

And she said, "Y'know, so many people ask me, 'Would you consider getting married again?' And I just scoff, and kind of laugh, and think, 'Now why would I want to deal with any of that, again?"

And it was so clear that I'd been right -- that the entire time we lived next to them as a couple, I could see he was kind of a jerk, but I didn't think he was a jerk to her, and I had no idea that she'd probably been living under the thumb of, at the very least, an EA, if not more -- and there was just never any indication by her that her life was miserable.

There's so friggin' many of us. How did there get to be so many of them ?

#2 oneness

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 10:28 AM

I don't know why there are so many of them, and the sad thing is there are probably many women who just suffer in marriages to EA/VA or even PA husbands there whole lives. For your neighbor, she may never have freed herself except that her husband died!

I know of two or three men who are not EA/VA....but 2 of thenm have codependent tendencies! What does it take to meet a "normal," man who has no psychological problems, no addictions, is not codependent and not an abuser? Do they exist? Excuse me Lionheart, Kokoca, et. al other men on this site...maybe you are the rare few good men out there!

#3 PrudenceB

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 10:48 AM

Women can be just as badit's not a gender thing- it's a human thing-

and there are many people who are not mature enough to have really healthy relationships for a variety of reasons- we all have to work at it and work on ourselves- it's not a "given" we are all works in progress, it is how we see what we "deserve" that is at issue- no partner is perfect, we are all here to help one another grow- that's the purpose of relationships - we just need the maturity to see that...and damaged people can;t. They look for objected to fullfill what they falsely beleive they desrve.

#4 Kokoca

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 12:14 PM

I don't know why there are so many of them, and the sad thing is there are probably many women who just suffer in marriages to EA/VA or even PA husbands there whole lives. For your neighbor, she may never have freed herself except that her husband died!

I know of two or three men who are not EA/VA....but 2 of thenm have codependent tendencies! What does it take to meet a "normal," man who has no psychological problems, no addictions, is not codependent and not an abuser? Do they exist? Excuse me Lionheart, Kokoca, et. al other men on this site...maybe you are the rare few good men out there!



Thanks's oneness. :D There's really nothing to excuse.

Hi, my name's Kokoca and I'm a recovering codependent... Oh, wait, I'm on the wrong forum here.


I've got pretty strong codependent tendencies. I've just started working the steps in CoDA and attend on line meetings. There are no face-to-face meetings near me but I'm thinking I might try to find the time to get one started in the next couple of years. I don't know where to find the time for now. So, I'm no angel, either.

I think we've all got the potential to be disordered somehow and to some degree. I just started reading Peck's The Road Less Traveled. It is an old classic but I've heard it is worth a read. One of the first things he says is that everybody is mentally or emtionally dysfunctional in some way. Just some people more or less than others.

And there's the rub. As Pru points out, some people are willing to work on their issues, others aren't. Some will forever be stuck in their unconscious state. Others want to rise above. Some see it, some don't.

#5 lionheart

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 12:30 PM

I know of two or three men who are not EA/VA....but 2 of thenm have codependent tendencies! What does it take to meet a "normal," man who has no psychological problems, no addictions, is not codependent and not an abuser? Do they exist? Excuse me Lionheart, Kokoca, et. al other men on this site...maybe you are the rare few good men out there!


No offense taken oneness! As Pru says I too am a work in progress. I just try to do the best I can one day at a time by the light god has given me as god gives me the power to see that light.

:wub:

#6 Hockymom

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 01:43 PM

Its definately not a gender thing, it must be a personality gene disorder. I'm friends with a couple, 4 kids, on the outside seem like the perfect family. Good jobs, educated, sports, nice house etc. But the wife is a severe verbal, emotional abuser.
SEVERE. My dh actually said wow, I'm not as bad as she is!
The husband its rolled into a tiny shell of protectiveness. Its sad.


#7 la_chica

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 08:29 AM

In response to "why are there so many", because lots of kids are growing up seeing an abusive dynamic between their parents and they see that as normal. Daddy yells at mommy, mommy apologizes, and that's the way it is. That said, I grew up in that kind of household with my two brothers, one of them is very manipulative and the other is the most mellow, gentle guy you will ever meet.

#8 Beyond

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 05:54 AM

In response to "why are there so many", because lots of kids are growing up seeing an abusive dynamic between their parents and they see that as normal. Daddy yells at mommy, mommy apologizes, and that's the way it is. That said, I grew up in that kind of household with my two brothers, one of them is very manipulative and the other is the most mellow, gentle guy you will ever meet.


THIS is what scares me to death.

I have been married to my EA, VA and PA or 20 years. He WILL NOT leave. As I pay for everything, I'm not leaving either. As I'm not the abuser, I don't see why I should leave my home. Maybe I should, and lose everything.

I'm hoping he dies in his sleep one night from taking too many drugs and alcohol. Or kills himself in my car when he drives my car when he is drunk and drugged.

Fingers crossed.

#9 Beyond

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 05:59 AM

Forgot to mention that he is frying pan up my kids minds.

I tell my kids that their father's behaviour toward me is because he is taking illegal drugs and drinking too much alcohol.

Who knows what my kids REALLY think...

They may just go on to repeat the behaviour they have seen directed at me to their own future partners.

Yay me. Mother of the frying pan year.

#10 SorryMum

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 07:29 AM

I tell my kids that their father's behaviour toward me is because he is taking illegal drugs and drinking too much alcohol.



Their father's behaviour toward you is because he is abusive. The substances he takes merely loosen his inhibitions, no more.

(((Beyond)))

Di




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