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Getting him to leave

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#1 Always Confused

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Posted 07 March 2012 - 09:00 AM

This is similar to a question I asked in this forum some time ago, but a little different: how do you make them leave?

Not knowing the background of our relationship, anyone would think I might be a little crazy for wanting him "out of my face" because he has decided to not help me take care of our new dog. But it goes beyond that - for starters, he has completely disowned the dog. Won't even talk to him. We've had discussions of this in yet another post I wrote, lately. But these seems to have been the last straw, at least to a certain extent, for me. It demonstrates his inability to keep promises, and his messed up thinking if he can truly believe that, somehow, this dog that he loved, a week ago, is now the root of all his problems, and he cannot even stand to look at him. He playing games with me, using the dog.

So, the day that he made that pronouncement, I blurted out (without thinking) that I wanted him to think about getting out of the house, because he just didn't really fit in there, anymore. Probably a bad idea, but I kind of made it "you don't belong here, with me and the dog, anymore." Me and the dog against him. In retrospect, this probably makes the dog even more "the enemy," to him, and that wasn't my intent.

But, the more I thought about that, the more I thought it was a good idea. Even just a week's separation from him. For me to experience living without him. For me to adjust to my new routine of having to work and keep this very active dog exercised and out of trouble. And, at the same time, for me to really see what it is that he does for me, around the house, and to determine if I would be easily capable of doing it myself. And just to do all that without the added pressure of his presence. We are no longer speaking to each other or eating together but, other than that, nothing else has really changed.

So I emailed two people I thought could help: a friend of his in Florida, and his brother in New England, and asked them to insist that he come visit. They both had "fixit" projects that they'd wanted his help with, anyway. I told them this would be a great time. Didn't give details, but did mention that I'd probably be calling a lawyer soon if he didn't get out of my hair.

I've asked him every day since to make arrangements, and have asked if he's spoken to either of them -- every day. Yesterday, he told me he couldn't do Florida, because that friend was taking care of his recently-injured elderly mother.

This morning I got an email from that friend, saying, "YEAH - tell him to come down. Plenty for him to do!"

So he lied. Again. I will call him on it. But short of paying for a "vacation," for him, how can I "encourage" him to go?

It does not make sense for me to go: I work. He doesn't. I take care of the dog and travel with a dog is more difficult. He has NO obligations here. There is no reason that he cannot go.

Except, of course, for the fact that he's probably afraid that I'll change the locks while he's gone. I would be lying if I said it hadn't entered my mind, but I really just want a vacation from him. I really want to see if I can get through a week without missing him. I really want the relief of not having him always floating, like a ghost, through my house. I want to remove the pressure of the ever-impending unexpected outburst. We have been separated for a week before, but it wasn't a "separation." This time, I will be thinking differently about my "aloneness." I think he senses that. YET - no moves toward reconcilation or apology, on his part. It's almost fascinating, trying to figure out what he's thinking. He is either arrogant and sure that he is completely in the right, or he is terrified to approach me.

Wow, I can go on and on, can't I?

The point of this lengthy blather is: anyone have ideas for ways to encourage/get him to go?

#2 cocomama


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Posted 07 March 2012 - 09:28 AM

This really depends I know in my state you can't put the other person out if there name is on the property. If both parties names are on the property the one who wants to leave has to move out. So it depends on your state. Sounds like you want a break not a permenant move so why don't you just say that. If the home is yours alone you can ask him to leave if he does not you can have the police escort him out.

#3 Always Confused

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Posted 07 March 2012 - 09:48 AM

That is all I want. I just want a vacation from him, right now. I short 'get the hell away from me' time, to help clear my head. I'm not talking about police, or property rights, or anything like that, now. I just want to tell him that I need space and that means I need him to take a vacation. Hell, I'd pay for him to get just a motel room, somewhere. (Prefer not to, but I will.)

But he is resisting, as though if he just ignores the request, it will go away.

#4 Always Confused

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Posted 07 March 2012 - 12:22 PM

I'm having a rough day, today. While searching for ideas on "making" him leave me, for a while -- I am also noticing the beginnings of missing him. He hasn't left, but we're not speaking. None of the frequent calls during the day just to tell me stuff; no one I can do the same with.

BIG MISTAKE, ladies, to make your messed up husband your best and only friend.

I miss the "friend" part of him, a lot. This is what oftentimes makes me take the lead in repairing our relationship. I am really struggling to not do that, this time. I want to try "apart," and see how I do.

And, sadly (because I realize this is a bit of game playing / testing) -- I also want him to make the concession -- if he wants to be with me, I want him to prove it without me having to say, "Prove it!"

I'm posting so much just because I'm really freakin' lonely, I think.

#5 donnelle


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Posted 07 March 2012 - 07:06 PM

I understand the missing your best friend part oh so well! It was how both my ex and I felt about each other and it felt like I had cut off a limb once we split up....

All I can say is that it hurts and you grow and you slowly but surely get past it and then one day you realize you are your own best friend!

I had no friends other than my ex and certain bar friends, all of which I gave up in the end because it was "his" bar and then I quit drinking and clubbing all together. I started going to Al Anon meetings instead and that helped me for awhile.

But I know how hard it is. Keep posting!

#6 DawnC



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Posted 08 March 2012 - 12:13 AM

Sweet lady, I miss the good part of my husband every day...and it has been more than three years since I saw that guy. The guy I currently live with? I'd cheerfully send him on a round-the-world sabbatical forevermore, if I could. I soooo understand.

You know....in your heart of hearts, you do know...the problem is not and has never been about the dog or any other dog. But his elaborate dramatic play about The Drama of the Dog may finally be just the catalyst to get you started toward making some real changes in how you spend your life.

This is an adult man giving an animal the silent treatment. That's just...well, what is that?

Someone actually wrote this (kind of) tongue-in-cheek essay...


Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

Wish I could help you. But in the meantime, I'd quit watching his play about the Drama of the Dog and go about your business loving your pet and living your life. Just because he's putting on the show doesn't mean you have to buy a ticket. Maybe you'll get lucky and his next production will be a musical comedy.

#7 la_chica


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Posted 08 March 2012 - 12:59 PM

Hey AC, posting is so cathartic, and my experience here has been that people want to help....so keep it up!!

Regarding your current situation, unfortunately, you can't make him do anything unless there is some sort of legal basis. And I wager that he does not want to leave, he does not want you to have time to yourself because it takes him one step closer to losing you. And of course he wants to stay with you, he doesn't work, he doesn't have to be an adult, etc. So yeah, he's gonna resist.

Can you take time off work and take your own vacation? At least that is a way for you to get some space and also show him that you are taking control of your life and if he doesn't want to give you space, you will just take it. Otherwise, you are relying on him to give you what you want.

About the loneliness, I miss my husband (as a friend and confidant, especially) until I really examine and find that he wasn't such a good friend to me. And it sounds like although you miss the friendship with your husband, he is not treating you like friend should, much less a life partner.

#8 Always Confused

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 10:00 AM

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I asked again if he'd made any plans. He said something about he couldn't go because of some new (made-up, unnecessary) "project" he "had to" work on. I said, "No. You don't understand. You have to go. I need you to be away from me." My voice must've started taking on that pre-angry-outburst anxious tone, because the dog got freaked out (poor dog). He indicated (wish I had recorded this) that he didn't know why -- "Is this because I don't like how the dog is being trained?" And I think I said, "No. It's because of your reaction to not liking how the dog is being trained." Unfortunately, at that point, I knew I was going into big-argument mode (my only reaction, to him sometimes, is anger, and I hate that, but dealing with such continual obtuseness is really frustrating), and I had to just walk away to keep from going there, so the conversation could not continue.

But there he is, acting as though he cannot imagine what I might be mad at. And making no plans to accomodate my demand that he just give me some space. So I, this a.m., am looking for cabins that I can escape to with my dog, for a week.


#9 donnelle


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Posted 09 March 2012 - 01:15 PM

Good for you (and your dog)! I really think that is going to help you see some long range truths.

#10 Always Confused

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 04:02 PM

I used to love love love Friday afternoons. Even though I had to go grocery shopping after work, the weekend was coming!

Today, I'm dreading the end of the work week. I guess work has been my refuge - my distraction from thinking about him still "occupying" my house. Now, not only do I have to worry about the gawdawfulness of spending the weekend (parts, anyway) in the house with him, but I have to worry that, today, my dog won't get his needed exercise because I won't get home from said grocery shopping until well after dark.

So, now, he's taken away my weekend anticipation, too.

Okay, that's not fair. I'm letting him take that, and I shouldn't let him anymore.

I am feeling very sorry for myself lately, though. Hope I can find fun things to do this weekend to quash that.

Edited by Always Confused, 09 March 2012 - 04:02 PM.

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