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Post Traumatic Stress


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#1 michigan_mom

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Posted 27 February 2011 - 06:51 PM

Sooo...5 years out, and I am still having alot of anxiety. Has anyone experienced this?? I thought it was PTS....but 5 years later????? I remarried and my husband is self employed in contruction and so it has been 5 years of trying to rebuild together and it has taken all my settlement money to do it! The last year was a better year...and I worry all the time that he won't have work, and we will be out on the streets?? And why am I dealing with this? Most everybody in America deals with it. My last marriage we were finacially secure and before that I was a single mom, and struggled. I never wanted to have to do that again! But then my ex h used that financial security to keep me there as well. I never felt like I could get out and raise my kids on my own. Of course my ex's finances have grown unbelievable.....and has remarried and his wealth has grown! and he makes sure that I know it......Am I feeling like I have to prove to him that I can do it on my own??? But yet, I really am not because I have remarried. My ex used to tell me if I left him I would have nothing and be nothing. So is it that????? I just don't want him to be right!!! I went to trade school and am working now, not making much money, but it is a job! And that was the only thing....I was a stay at home mom and he used to tell me how good I had it all the time. So her I am at 47 working 40 hour weeks making barely over minimum wage. And its like, he is just laughing at me!!!! And any little news just sends me over the edge...fuel prices, economy, unemployment.....I just panic and get very depressed. So what is going on??????
I don't know......I would appreciate any advise..
thanks,
mm

#2 claudifred

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Posted 28 February 2011 - 10:24 AM

Sooo...5 years out, and I am still having alot of anxiety. Has anyone experienced this?? I thought it was PTS....but 5 years later????? I remarried and my husband is self employed in contruction and so it has been 5 years of trying to rebuild together and it has taken all my settlement money to do it! The last year was a better year...and I worry all the time that he won't have work, and we will be out on the streets?? And why am I dealing with this? Most everybody in America deals with it. My last marriage we were finacially secure and before that I was a single mom, and struggled. I never wanted to have to do that again! But then my ex h used that financial security to keep me there as well. I never felt like I could get out and raise my kids on my own. Of course my ex's finances have grown unbelievable.....and has remarried and his wealth has grown! and he makes sure that I know it......Am I feeling like I have to prove to him that I can do it on my own??? But yet, I really am not because I have remarried. My ex used to tell me if I left him I would have nothing and be nothing. So is it that????? I just don't want him to be right!!! I went to trade school and am working now, not making much money, but it is a job! And that was the only thing....I was a stay at home mom and he used to tell me how good I had it all the time. So her I am at 47 working 40 hour weeks making barely over minimum wage. And its like, he is just laughing at me!!!! And any little news just sends me over the edge...fuel prices, economy, unemployment.....I just panic and get very depressed. So what is going on??????
I don't know......I would appreciate any advise..
thanks,
mm

Take a look at how much energy you spent on your ex in your post:

My last marriage we were finacially secure and before that I was a single mom, and struggled. I never wanted to have to do that again! But then my ex h used that financial security to keep me there as well.
Of course my ex's finances have grown unbelievable.....and has remarried and his wealth has grown! and he makes sure that I know it
My ex used to tell me
I just don't want him to be right!!!
he is just laughing at me!!!!


PTSD? You bet.
PTSD can last a lifetime. You are being triggered by things like the economy, and the triggers are bringing up your fears from your ex.
Try this...
He's not JUST your ex-husband... but that past is your EX-LIFE. What happened then, how things were handled then, have no bearing on what will happen to you now. And stop worrying about what he thinks. He cannot influence you now.

#3 Kokoca

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Posted 28 February 2011 - 11:11 AM

MM,

Certainly sounds like PTS to me but I'm not psychologist so don't take that as a clinical diagnosis. It sounds familiar to me too as I've gone through a lot of this myself. Not the same circumstances but the same kind of emotional responses.

I have her words stuck in my head too. "You have no friends" is a big one. "You'll never...." do a number of assorted things. "The kids are suffering all because of you". Those words pop up all the time for me and cause all sorts of pain, fear, and anxiety.

This has been going on for about the same time frame: 5 years. And it has felt like it is getting worse and that these nasty words are constantly invading my thoughts. I'm so entirely hooked into her drama. This is what finally prompted me to enforce a low contact relationship with her. I needed the room to heal and get her toxic thoughts out of my head.

I have a question for you. You said "he makes sure I know it". I'm worried about that one -- is he flaunting his wealth at you and using it to try to hook you or make you feel remorse? I'd suggest that you do whatever you can to get that message, and any other toxic stuff he's handing you, shut down. Money is, of course, a valid concern, especially when the economy is shaky but please, please don't be hooked into his story that it is the most important measure of your worth. It isn't. Not even close.


For myself, I've just become ready to admit that I'm seriously codependent. I'm browsing around for Codependent Anonymous meetings and checking into the CoDA 12 step program. I'm hoping to learn a healthy level of detachment from other people's stories.


I feel your pain. Know that you aren't alone. Hang in there! :)

#4 welfaremomma

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Posted 03 March 2011 - 02:16 AM

You do have good reasons to have anxiety MM. And lingering effects from your last marriage. I just thought I would mention that even though it makes sense, don't forget to look for non-obvious reasons, such as your health?
Have you ever talked to a regular general physician about the nervousness? There are a lot of physical things that can cause anxious feelings, (thyroid, diabetes, hormones...) just to think of some common ones. Just thought I would mention that so that you don't overlook your health. I don't think it would hurt for you to be evaluated for PTSD, and you probably should- but it could be a combination of reasons also.
Since its been 5 years since you left that situation, I think that you owe it to yourself to take a good look at what could be causing your symptoms.
Congratulations on getting a full-time job btw! The pay might be terrible now, but you have yourself in a much better position than not having a job.

#5 myohmy

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Posted 03 March 2011 - 12:09 PM

MM, if you are still upset and frustrated over things that occur now, such as the battles with your son and getting a vehicle and insurance, still frustrated about your financial position vs EX wealth, I would say you are in a perfect place to have current anxiety fuel as well as PTS. Your issues with the EX are still current. I am a basket case myself so I know what you are going through. the physical symptoms are the hardest to overcome.

#6 myohmy

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Posted 03 March 2011 - 12:10 PM

(I mean battles OVER your son getting a car, not that you are battling WITH your son) just wanted to clarify that I realize your EX gives you a hard time about stuff even now.

#7 michigan_mom

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Posted 03 March 2011 - 06:44 PM

Thanks all for the encouragment. It is so hard sometimes!!! I have had a physical and all is well..thankGod!!!!
And I am going back to counceling. I found someone who specializes in PTS and abuse. BUT they don't accept credit cards, and I have to use that to pay!
Kind of disappointed in that. So now I have to find someone else. I am calling tomorrow to see if she knows of someone else.....
Its just that sometimes you think.....man, I am out and OK! but then there is still so much work to get through all the crap that comes after.........
Of course the ex H doesn't have to go through anything because they don't think they were in the wrong! It is easy when you blame everybody else for how things are in your life. He just moved on like no big deal! Married #3, and has 2 children with her. And he doesn't have the financial stress, and his life hasn't changed. It is horrible that because we chose to leave, the person leaving to get away from all the junk, has to change everything....while they just continue on as normal.....
Thanks Again, it helps to be able to talk about it, and have people understand.....
mm

#8 muggs59

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Posted 03 March 2011 - 06:45 PM

MM I understand this all too well. It makes sense to me that you'd still have anxious feelings after an abusive marriage where you had to leave just to save yourself. The marriage, the abuse, the leaving all take their toll. '

I'm in bits right now thinking about going to see future ex next week. I have no choice if I want to get information I need to do taxes and put together a separation agreement. But I'm so afraid ex will try to suck me back in when I see him. My biggest fear is that being in that house again with him will do a number on me and put me back at square one!!

I do feel that for some, if not all of us, it takes years to get over an abusive situation. I expect in 20 years time I'll still be grieving the loss of the dream of having a forever M.




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