Edited by myohmy, 11 March 2011 - 09:59 PM.
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Posted 08 December 2010 - 02:42 PM
All I know is that when him and I went to a marriage counselor a couple years back he did everything that she suggested and we both worked hard on our marriage and that I was very happy and that we had an amazing sex life, and then he went manic and we never recovered from that.
Posted 09 December 2010 - 12:57 PM
He was crying telling me how sorry he was that he was such a horrible husband and how he treats me poorly. He admitted to being VA and EA and said that he knew he needed help with how to handle disappointment, stress and life in general. He said he has always been this way his entire life and he doesn't want me to leave. Asked me that if there was a .01% chance that we can try to work this out he doesnt want me to go and that he will do whatever it takes to make things work. He admitted to being very unhappy for a long time and said that a lot of it has to do with not having sex. He listened to me and didnt argue when I explained why I feel his thinking is flawed. He was honest and told me he didnt see things my way but was willing to talk to a counselor to help him understand. The book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Myra Kirshenbaum helped me understand why it is that "he" didn't see things 'my way' and why it was so confusing to me to try and "see" things his way because I didn't think like him (control/manipulation/rages). I wanted mutuality in the relationship, he wanted control. That's an oil & water combination, eh?!
ITs almost like a flip of a switch. he can be fine for days and then something clicks off and he turns into a VA. This was my experience as well. You never knew when the switch would flip. 1 day? 5 days? 20 days? But, it did flip over and over and over ad nauseum.
I feel like I have such a dilemma. I know in my head that long term change is very rare. But in all honestly I dont know if I could live with myself if i dont let him try this last one chance. Then, you need to give it a go myohmy. I was where you are now. Dark Cloud recognized his abuse, cried to me, wanted things to work (so did I) and we had a short time of a wonderful marriage as we both made changes. Then, one day, the switch flipped and the poison that spilled out was very ugly (like a whole year's worth of VA). Very Ugly! They just don't get it, they really don't. The abuse is sooooooo deeply ingrained and I think sooooooo painful for them to face the changes to their core being.Allow him to put in the hard work it takes. Then find out if there is any way as a spouse for me to handle his bipolar moods in a more positive way and not take them so serious. Find out from a professional if that is even healthy to do. I think because he has bipolar and for the most part is very stable in all other parts of his life that he may be able to improve, but for how long? He didnt say that he blamed his bipolar for his outburst, in-fact he blamed his unhappiness and how miserable out relationship has been. I dont think he completely gets that he is the one that started the ball rolling. Any time an individual sees their misery to be caused by ANYthing external to the self, change is not going to be an individual core-change. I hope more than I can say that you have success and both of you can do what is necessary to save your marriage. The one caution I give is not to loose yourself in this quest. It is so easy to do and not know you are doing it (BTDT). The sacrifice of the self is done little-by-little. But, since you are aware of so this, you may be able to keep it from occurring.
All I know is that when him and I went to a marriage counselor a couple years back he did everything that she suggested and we both worked hard on our marriage and that I was very happy and that we had an amazing sex life, and then he went manic and we never recovered from that. I hear you ... TOTALLY hear you! Dark Cloud and I also went to counseling ... things were amazingly different and hopeful. Then, his switch flipped. He got darker and more covert in his abuse. It got very scary. Once they admit, humble-out and strive for change, I believe it is the road of no return. If this road is not continuously followed, and they fall from being able to maintain the change, they become darker than they were before. It is frightening. So, be aware and be careful. I'm all for putting your whole heart and soul into saving the relationship while being wise as to what can happen for good and for bad.
what are your feelings on this?
Posted 09 December 2010 - 02:39 PM
Posted 09 December 2010 - 03:07 PM
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Posted 09 December 2010 - 09:39 PM
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Posted 10 December 2010 - 07:30 PM
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