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6 Exceptional Threads

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#1 The Admin Team

The Admin Team


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Posted 01 March 2010 - 07:27 PM

Threads are started, replys are made, and the thread makes its way off the first page, past the second page, and eventually disappears for all but those who have a particular reason to seek it out.

We felt that it would be a good thing to keep some of the most exceptional threads available for their information, inspiring words, or just the fact that they might be so widely applicable that they ought to have a place in the FAQ for this site.

So, we're beginning this pinned topic with quotes from such threads, including a link to the entire thread for anyone who might want to see the give-and-take that surrounded the quote. A quote could be the thread's initial, or Original Post (OP) or it could be from a reply posted within the thread. Suggestions are welcome, regardless of when the thread was written. Please send a link to suggested threads, with a key quote, to any admin. We'll take it up and vote on whether or not to add it to this pinned group of threads. The key criteria is that the thread speak in a way that is broadly beneficial, by being informational and/or inspiring, to anyone using this site.

This is a work in progress, so the way the thread is managed will probably change with time.

1. Alena's thread, "Since I was last here I have been doing some thinking." The following quote is from the thread's OP:

The One or No One
One of the thoughts that seem to have occupied my time most is the thought of “the one or no one” as I shall name it here. It is about being ready to live my life alone, depend on myself fully and completely. The possibility of creating a life that could make me as happy as the childhood dream of the perfect love. All my life I have wanted one thing, and one thing only. Everything else was negotiable, and it was love. Love was the point my life always turned about, my sun in my own solar system. It was my perceived meaning with life. But now it seems that it might not be the meaning with my life, and that by having this dream and ambition I thrust upon someone else the responsibility and the power over my happiness. So I have reached a heartbreaking conclusion that to ever be truly happy I must live my life, as I will one day die, alone. I am not saying I will be alone, that I do not want to find love again, because I do. But I must live as if I am forever going to be alone. As I said before I do want to find love again, but I do not want to find just any love anymore, I never saw it as I did that before either, but I see now I was too uncritical, too protective of my dream of love, to ever find “the one”.
I want to find the one, or find no one. When I say “the one”, I do not mean that I believe that there are two people on this earth meant for each other as perfect partners, but rather, The One is someone I can live happily with, one who I can respect and who will respect me. Mutual love, caring, companionship, humor and a life we can both enjoy.
As it is now, I am far from ready to meet this person, but I have settled with the thought of it taking a long time before he will walk into my life. When I say long time, I do not know how long, but if it is a year or ten years I am sure it will feel long. Or perhaps it wont, let us hope. I guess I got to get in shape, before I can get to the starting line and we can set out on our path. And if I have to walk it alone, then I hope I will not only keep the strength to do so, but that by then I will have laid out my journey in such a way that it will never feel like a loss.

2. Watermelonpunch's thread, "Nobody can make you feel bad." The following quote is from the thread's OP:

The fact is, that "Nobody can make you feel anything" is actually a little snippet of something they've pulled out of therapy, or a book or something, and have twisted it for their own irrational illogical abusive Arena gladiator purposes.

The actual whole line, in context, is actually a healthy boundary message:

Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission.
Nobody can make you feel bad without your consent.
Nobody can make you feel bad unless you let them.


Nobody can abuse you if you don't stick around to stand there & take it!!!!

That's ALL it means.

It does NOT mean you need to "grow a thicker skin".
It does NOT mean you need to "be less sensitive".
It does NOT mean you need to "offend less easily".
It does NOT mean you need to "control your feelings".
It does NOT mean you need to "put up & shut up".

3. Bellalove's thread, "Do They Know?" The following quote is from the thread's OP:

Do you think that abusers actually consciously KNOW they are being abusive or do you think it's subconscious? Or maybe a mixture? I was just thinking about my stbx and sometimes I really wonder if he just doesn't see it. Or if he is in denial...or if it's all just a game. I have a hard time really being able to fathom that this was all methodical...that even in the good times it was all one big lie. Just a question that interested me and I couldn't shake.

4. Kris' thread, ""Can Detachment Ever Be Enough? The following quote is from the thread's OP:

It is now very clear to me that my H is a master of VA and EA and has relied on both tactics to manipulate me to do what he “knows” is best. He means well.... he truly thinks that he has the best strategic sense of things, so he does this to optimize our situation, not because of malicious intent. When I read of the treatment some of you are getting from your H’s, I do have to say that this is nothing like that..... I think he does really want me to be happy, he doesn’t want to hurt me. Unfortunately he just doesn’t realize that although he is often right, he is not always right about things, and that people are happiest when they are treated with respect and their individual feelings and ideas are valued, even if they don’t always make total logical sense to another individual.

5. Kris' thread, "Spin-off On If Abusers Know or Don't Know..." The following quote is from the thread's OP:

Kilroy's quote above did get me thinking, though, about the instances where the abuser blows up a harmless statement/reasonable request into an angry outburst for whatever reason -- possibly an irrational fear, possibly because of an overly defensive posture that was ready to read "inner meanings" into whatever was said and take insult from them. How do you handle that?

6. Kris' thread "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay" The following is a quote from the threads OP:

"What it comes down to is that if you intend to continue a relationship with someone who tests and tramples your boundaries every day you will have to reconcile yourself to constant struggle with that person and with yourself.

You continue to hold yourself responsible for being a check rein on his behavior.
You aren't. You can't. It doesn't work.
I wish it did. I know it doesn't. You simply cannot be another persons conscience."

(I can't get around the Quote monitor... we've reached the limit on this post...

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