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should I stay or go?


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#1 doubtingthomasina

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Posted 22 December 2009 - 01:37 AM

should start out by saying that I love my husband very much. However, he has been verbally and emotionally abusing me for at least 3 years now. In my opinion, it is not a calculated abuse. When he loses his temper, he immediately launches into name calling and says the most hurtful things possible. This would be a challenging time in any marriage. I broke my leg falling down the stairs at 38 weeks pregnant and now I have a 3 week old and a 2 year old I watch at home alone all day. I am on crutches so DH is in charge of shopping, meals, cleaning up, everything.

For example, he was driving me to church Sunday (I am on crutches after surgery) when DD who is 2 asked if her grandfather was at church. DH said yes. When I gave him a LOOK, he said, well all of God's creatures are at church. I asked him why he felt the need to lie to his daughter. I said I understand he lies a lot to his friends and employees etc (this was bad of me, I know). He immediately went on the offensive and started saying he couldn't stand me, I was lazy and worthless, I could sit in the recliner at home, he wasn't taking me to church, and he turned around and went home. On the way, I re-iterated that I didn't understand why he lied and that all I was asking was for him to take me to church. He finally turned around and dropped me off. Later, he was very nice, rubbing my feet, telling me he loves me etc which is his typical way of trying to make things right. I won't say apologize because even later on in the day he asked me why I always had to "start things" with "my little comments." I tried to explain that I see no reason to lie to a toddler and he just kept saying "I was having a conversation with my daughter, it had nothing to do with you."

Anyway, similar little fights like that all the time. Tonight, he told DD that it was Daddy's turn to watch TV and I asked him if he was going to make us hot chocolate. He flew off the handle about how he has been working since he got home, I ask for too much and never do anything etc. Last week, he came home from a business trip (mind you I had been on my own with 2 kids on crutches for 3 days and 2 nights) and yelled for an hour about how messy the house was. Not directly at me, just while he walked around picking up. "Jesus Christ" "Son of a b!tch" etc My 2 year old came down echoing him "b!tch".

Lazy and worthless are the primary themes of his abuse because he feels like as a stay at home mom, my duty is to clean the house from top to bottom every day. I have tried to narrow down the field of what he wants done but he refuses to do that. The whole house should be clean. And he can't differentiate between a 40 second mess (i.e. Potato Head pieces dumped out in an otherwise clean room) and a 40 minute mess (the entire contents of her bedroom dumped out). They make him equally mad which means having the house COMPLETELY picked up when he gets home between 2 and 5 is impossible.

In any case, I have been complaining/venting about him to a mom's board I visit for 3 years now, and they are appalled that I am in this marriage. They have been urging me to leave because they feel at any moment it could degenerate into violence.

So at this point, I am making a choice between 2 options. I could seek counseling for myself (he has refused to attend) in hopes that if I become a better advocate for myself, it will get better. Alternately, I could leave and stay with my parents about 1500 miles away. I would stay for about 4 months (the duration of my grad school semester) and then require him to make a decision. If I choose this option, there is a strong possibility that he would file for divorce very quickly. He has frequently said he would. This is NOT what I want. I want our communication to improve to the point that he never gets to name calling and I am better able to tell him how I feel. I feel that at this point, he does NOT understand how serious I am about his behavior needing to improve. He tells me constantly he is the "perfect husband" and "I have it SO good" or I could have married one of his idiot friends and then where would I be.

I just don't know what to do.

#2 Shidazako

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Posted 06 January 2010 - 12:22 PM

should start out by saying that I love my husband very much. However, he has been verbally and emotionally abusing me for at least 3 years now. In my opinion, it is not a calculated abuse. When he loses his temper, he immediately launches into name calling and says the most hurtful things possible. This would be a challenging time in any marriage. I broke my leg falling down the stairs at 38 weeks pregnant and now I have a 3 week old and a 2 year old I watch at home alone all day. I am on crutches so DH is in charge of shopping, meals, cleaning up, everything.
I just don't know what to do.


Hi doubtingthomasina! Glad that you found us, and I hope you've had time to read through the posts
to enlighten yourself on abuse and all it's stages and tactics. I am sorry that you hubby, finds
it necessary to abuse you for being "lazy and worthless" while on crutches. Despite that, working
at home and taking care of the two young children.
Now, back to your question, if you should go, only you can answer that question. Have you had enough?
Can you see any hope in this relationship working? One has to be completely sure before they take
the leap, and of course also make plans. Something struck me though, your saying that his abuse is not
calculated. Well, abusers just do what they do, and you're trying to rationalise that it just developed
and should I tell you that it's a major trick they use, "you made me do it" "If you didn't make such comments..."

((((((hugs)))))

#3 Autumn9

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Posted 25 May 2011 - 08:55 PM

DON'T FEEL BAD SINCE I LEFT AND HE STILL PLAYS LETS START OVER AND I BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD A HOME YET TO ENJOY WHETHER APT OR NOT I GET HAPPY TO THINK WE WILL BE TOGETHER HAPPY AND HE STARTS HIS MONEY FOR THIS MONEY FOR THAT BECAUSE THE APT IS IN HIS NAME MY STUFF I BOUGHT ALL HOUSEHOLD HE HAS MY COMPUTER TOO. I'M SO OVERWHELMED......

#4 ktc

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Posted 26 May 2011 - 11:11 AM

I am sorry you are going through this. There is NEVER an excuse for name-calling, none. It's disrespectful and degrading. Perhaps start counseling for yourself. Maybe that can help you to decide about staying in the marriage.
But set boundaries with him with what you will and will not tolerate.




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