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Do not fret


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#1 Pianolady

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 06:07 PM

I have been overwhelemed like the rest of you with VA in my life as a wife. I have beaten myself up too many times when it was not about me. I have learned that the Lord loves me as me and He will have the victory someday. I have asked God many times, why do I have to stay and endure this abuse. As I continue to wait for the answer, I have been shown that I need to continue to depend on the Lord to take care of my needs and my fears.

Most of the time I never know when my abuser is going to go off. He does get out of his patterns at times. I am done with him, but yet God has impressed on my heart that I am not to fret over this stuff. The battle is the Lord's. I have tried to help Him fight this battle and each time, He has reminded me that it is His battle. I am to stand on the side-lines even if I get hit with horrible abusive words. Oh my gosh. It's tiring to wait for the escape route but I have no other option right now; especially in this economy.

I have noticed that many of you are in the same thought mode. We are tired of going through the abusive pattens each month, or week of whenever.

God has shown me to just trust Him and He will take care of it. Since I have decided to really let go and let God take care of this part, I feel less tired. My piano playing is freer now. I feel more relaxed than I was last week at this time.

I know it is about control and I have to remember this all the time. I have done things to take the control away from my abuser and the rest I have leave up to the God of my salvation. I have nothing else left.

I want to encourage each one of you to be encouraged that God has not forgotten about us. He will never leave us or forget about us as His children. As for the abuse we endure, I can't understand why it continues in our lives. I'm stuck in my marriage due to the economy right now. I would be foolish to leave what I have. I have escaped in other ways; i.e. have my own room, go to school full time, study the rest of the time and just ignore him most of the time. He's gone a lot now doing his stuff, so that is the good part. :D

For those who still have young children at home, just try to change the subject on him. Take the focus off of you and put it on something else not related to the subject being focused on. It surprises them. I do this often and it helps the current session of abuse until the next time he goes off. Also, remember, he is not rational so retorting back is fruitless. It's all about him, not you. You are just in the way. This has worked for me many times. Each abuser is different though, so find a way to get him off of focusing on you and focusing on something else.

I hope this helps some of you to be encouraged. I know what it is like to feel down most days knowing that we have to face. I am just trying to keep my eyes on the Lord and not on any one or anything else I cannot control.

Pianolady

#2 crabgrass

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 09:38 AM

Dear Pianolady,


Thank you for this beautiful contribution.

It is very timely for me..last month my relationship took a turn for the worse..H hurt me so badly (while I was sleeping!), that I had to see the doctor and missed two days of work.

Last night, six weeks after I found this class, H let me use his credit card to register for the first class in an online Medical Coding Certificate program. The total cost of the program is about three thousand $$ and it takes about two years to complete. This may finally be my ticket out of the awful career slump I have been in, since I lost my last 'real' job in June of 2001.

The episode where H hurt me last month has caused me to realize that this position of being financially dependent on my H is more than being unpleasant, etc..it can be actually dangerous.

I have a couple of concerns about accepting his help in paying for this course: one that there will be repercussions of one sort or another..that his help will come with strings attached, the other being that I may progress nicely in the course, only to have him yank his support, midway through the program. I will keep your example in mind as I go through this..

(He's got plenty of money, but he's also got, in my opinion, a very sick mentality about his money.) I don't want his money, I never have. What I want is to no longer be controlled by him. The economy had a great deal to do with putting me in the position I'm in now :(



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#3 Pianolady

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Posted 16 November 2009 - 09:56 PM

Hi Crabbie;

Oh how I feel for you. At least I am not physically hurt by my abuser. I will keep you in prayer as this is all I can do.

Some of my suggestions are things I have learned from other abused women. If you are trying to go to school, good. Take what is necessary in order to get free from him. Try to find books online that are cheaper. I have heard that Amazon.com helps.

As for the finances, well, use your imagination on how to save for that day he might take away your educational funds. I have had to secure a student loan; which is very high as in the thousands. You will qualify because it is a loan. The interest might be high right now but depending on your credit reports, you can get money to go to school without his help. Ask financial aide for advice without him there. This is what I had to do and I have invested the overage monies in a CD which is in my name only. He found out I had a checking account of my own and he had a fit but it is too bad because he is not in control of this money at all. My adult children are in support and it is necessary to have someone on your side to help you if you get stuck. My daughter helped me with keeping a large sum of money in her account for a couple of months until I needed it to pay for my classes.

If you don't have that advantage, you need to get a checking account of your own. I am a member of my local credit union catering to educators. Try to find something that will suit your needs and then open an account in your name only and remember to always have online statements posted instead of having them sent to your home. He can't see them if he doesn't know your password! :)

There are many things to protect yourself from him while you are going to school but you have to be very careful not to say much to him. Giving him all the information is not necessary and he will not know if he is not involved in your education. Being quiet is your best weapon. Start slowly and increase it with time. It's hard at first, but it does help because remember, it takes two to argue! Don't retort to his accusations when you know it won't matter. And most of the time it doesn't matter to them because they are irrational when they abuse us! Don't buy new clothes and try to save as much as you can again, placing this saved money in an account that he cannot touch. Leave someone you trust as the beneficiary. Use your imagination.

As we are all trying to stay afloat, we must remember that the Lord said He would supply all our needs and that He would take care of us through the wind, the flood and the fire! Isa. 41:10 Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

This verse has gotten me through many tough days and nights because I know that even though God was speaking to the Israelites at this time, He loves us just the same and He will do just the same for us. God did not intend for us to stay in our marriages, full of fear everyday. It is not in the Bible! What is in the Bible are many things, teaching us to trust the Lord and of course the things that are not pleasing to Him.

Be strong in the Lord Crabbie. proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to they own understanding." Pray over this verse and see if it has a personal meaning for you too.

Pianolady

#4 crabgrass

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Posted 18 November 2009 - 09:09 PM

:) good advice.

#5 catshy

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Posted 29 November 2009 - 10:42 PM

pianolady, crabgrass

praying for both of you. I am out now but remember being "in". I was scared to stay and scared to leave. I also began moving away from being dependent on husband in baby steps. I tried to stay long enough to really save some money but a scary incident happened and for the first time I felt physically in danger as well as the verbal/emotional abuse. Anyway, I agree that you should get as independent as possible and trust God because He showed Himself to be my provider-and still does- and my protector. God will do that for you and crabgrass because He is faithful. I also called the domestic abuse hotline to get some advice on practical things.

God showed me II Corin. 4:7,8 when I was "in" abuse and self-esteem was low and didn't know how I could go on (had just realized that I was being abused). I survived because of the power that is in us...hard pressed on all sides, but not crushed... I clung to that scripture.

God will give you what you need to survive. I am so glad that you know where your help comes from.

Please know that you are wonderfully and fearfully made...you are a daughter of God, you are precious in God's eyes, He (God) is the lover of your soul, He sacrificed His son for you! You are worthy of respect and should be cherished.

God bless,
catshy

#6 Pianolady

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Posted 30 November 2009 - 10:27 PM

pianolady, crabgrass

praying for both of you. I am out now but remember being "in". I was scared to stay and scared to leave. I also began moving away from being dependent on husband in baby steps. I tried to stay long enough to really save some money but a scary incident happened and for the first time I felt physically in danger as well as the verbal/emotional abuse. Anyway, I agree that you should get as independent as possible and trust God because He showed Himself to be my provider-and still does- and my protector. God will do that for you and crabgrass because He is faithful. I also called the domestic abuse hotline to get some advice on practical things.

God showed me II Corin. 4:7,8 when I was "in" abuse and self-esteem was low and didn't know how I could go on (had just realized that I was being abused). I survived because of the power that is in us...hard pressed on all sides, but not crushed... I clung to that scripture.

God will give you what you need to survive. I am so glad that you know where your help comes from.

Please know that you are wonderfully and fearfully made...you are a daughter of God, you are precious in God's eyes, He (God) is the lover of your soul, He sacrificed His son for you! You are worthy of respect and should be cherished.

God bless,
catshy



Thanks again! I need prayer from those that really know what is going on. The Lord is giving me what I need to survive right now. It is amazing as to how I have gone forward in my life and still have come out smiling each day. I know it is the Spirit that is within me!

My preparation is slow, but that is life and I have learned that life is not fair! I have also been reminded many times that God loves me as I am and only He can provide the protection I need in this circumstance.

I am almost finished with that preparation and I covet your prayers once again. It's those blasted state exams that sends me into aggravation and sometimes depression! I have one more to take in February and I want to pass it this time; which means I didn't pass it the first time. I am studying differently and I am hoping that the Lord will give me favor once more to get over this last hurdle. At least we have hope! :)

I am trusting in the Lord with all my heart and I am trying not to lean to my own understanding (Prov. 3: 5). Those are amazing verses you shared with me and they are absolutely true!

Pianolady

#7 catshy

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Posted 03 December 2009 - 10:23 PM

I read your last post and was encouraged. Thanks. Just feeling alone and pressed on all sides...I have no other options but to trust the Lord and lean not to my own understanding...I know God is enough...just a little depressed and tired.

God bless those women "in" and "out" of abuse and their families.

:'( , catshy

#8 Pianolady

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Posted 03 December 2009 - 11:21 PM

I read your last post and was encouraged. Thanks. Just feeling alone and pressed on all sides...I have no other options but to trust the Lord and lean not to my own understanding...I know God is enough...just a little depressed and tired.

God bless those women "in" and "out" of abuse and their families.

:'( , catshy



#9 Pianolady

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Posted 03 December 2009 - 11:29 PM

Hi Cat; I am praying for you. I know what it is like to feel physically alone. It is by our choice because we are trying to escape the abuse we endure often.

I am reminded that I am not alone physically because I have my children and my friends who support me and pray for me. I have a God who loves me for me and does not forget about me even when I push Him away! What a God!

Being tired is part of it all. We have an mortal body and some day, we will put on immortality. But, until that day comes, we can ask God to fill our voids and believe me, He gives us things to do when we ask Him too. I am so busy with studying for my last exam to clear my credential and of course playing for this and that right now.

It's okay to say you're tired. God understands it all.

Pianolady




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