Sign In
Register
Help
I want to leave this relationship. I do. I keep looking for my best "out" even though I keep thinking about the awesome analogy someone used on a post about parachuting. Eventually you have to jump. I feel like instead I've slipped out of the plane but I have a death grip on the edge of the door and instead I'm getting knocked and whipped around because I won't just let go. And that I should have let go a LONG time ago.
But here is something that gets the best of me.
Last weekend I stood my ground on a HUGE issue that would have been so completely abusive and degrading. I will spare the details, it's that bad. So now we move into the punishment phase. I have been punished for the entire past week in ways like, not speaking to me. Blowing me off. Ignoring me. Usually it's anger so I guess I should be thankful. And since I want to leave anyway, why does it hurt so bad?
Those feelings of abandonement come creeping in. I keep crying over it and then get so angry with myself. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN IT ANYWAY!!! I should celebrate if he is pulling away right????
I read that types of abusers seek the path of least resistence. That if you resist their tactics, they change tactics, and if that doesn't work eventually they find a new target. And I should be happy for that, (not for the next target however)
But that feeling of rejection still really hurts. Standing my ground is such a huge accomplishment with me. I've NEVER stood my ground for anything. I've always allowed people to take advantage of me or mistreat me. I'm proud of myself for getting it right sometime. But I feel like I am failing now for caring about this at all.
Argh!!! I can't wait to join the ranks of you who have left. Thank you for always sharing those stories. They encourage so many of us still in!!
Mushu
Why does this hurt?
MultiQuote
#2
- The present is the point at which time touches eternity
-
- Group: Former Admin
- Posts: 1584
- Joined: 03-November 07
Posted 06 November 2009 - 04:21 PM
Hi Mushu,
Think of it like this... He has an array of buttons that he pushes. He's tried lots of them during your relationship and he's taken notes on which ones work at what times in order to hurt you, destroy your self-esteem and make you feel off balance and scared.
Some of the buttons he tried pushing didn't get any results, so he discarded those. Others got a HUGE response and worked really well, so he pushes those most of the time (like his anger). And other buttons he saves for those times when the huge buttons might not work or might end up pushing you further away. (Like anger)
So here's the thing you need to know about yourself. You have a need to feel wanted. That's not a bad thing in and of itself...we all want that! But after years of being controlled and tossed around by all the button pushing, you have a greater need to feel wanted by your abuser than you have a need to feel safe from him.
And that's why he's pushing that button right now. He can feel that you are getting stronger and pushing back, so he's using the one thing he thinks will frighten and weaken you again.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel rotten about being ignored and given the silent treatment this week. Just remember that that is also a type of emotional abuse and is used to control you.
And really, what you want, what we all want, or wanted, from our partners is to have them do a 180 and realize just how much they love us and are going to lose if we leave. When they don't do that, it hurts.
It's a matter, now, of going beyond the point where what you feel (hurt that he is doing this to you this week) trumps what you know to be true in your head (that he is not changing and is pushing your buttons in order to break you down again).
I hope this helps a bit. Figuring out who you are and what you deserve in life is the most important thing you can do for yourself. =)
Tee
Think of it like this... He has an array of buttons that he pushes. He's tried lots of them during your relationship and he's taken notes on which ones work at what times in order to hurt you, destroy your self-esteem and make you feel off balance and scared.
Some of the buttons he tried pushing didn't get any results, so he discarded those. Others got a HUGE response and worked really well, so he pushes those most of the time (like his anger). And other buttons he saves for those times when the huge buttons might not work or might end up pushing you further away. (Like anger)
So here's the thing you need to know about yourself. You have a need to feel wanted. That's not a bad thing in and of itself...we all want that! But after years of being controlled and tossed around by all the button pushing, you have a greater need to feel wanted by your abuser than you have a need to feel safe from him.
And that's why he's pushing that button right now. He can feel that you are getting stronger and pushing back, so he's using the one thing he thinks will frighten and weaken you again.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel rotten about being ignored and given the silent treatment this week. Just remember that that is also a type of emotional abuse and is used to control you.
And really, what you want, what we all want, or wanted, from our partners is to have them do a 180 and realize just how much they love us and are going to lose if we leave. When they don't do that, it hurts.
It's a matter, now, of going beyond the point where what you feel (hurt that he is doing this to you this week) trumps what you know to be true in your head (that he is not changing and is pushing your buttons in order to break you down again).
I hope this helps a bit. Figuring out who you are and what you deserve in life is the most important thing you can do for yourself. =)
Tee
#3
- Little Kitty
-
- Group: Member +
- Posts: 432
- Joined: 04-August 06
Posted 06 November 2009 - 07:18 PM
Great that you stood your ground. When we already know in our heart we need to get out and continue to wonder why he does this or that or why he responds in a certain way it just allows us to hold on just a little bit longer to that door handle of that plane you were talking about.
I went skydiving years and years ago, I HAD to let go of the door, It was terrifying and the most amazing feeling ever...
I separated and divorced I HAD to let go, It was terrifying and the most amazing feeling ever...
I went skydiving years and years ago, I HAD to let go of the door, It was terrifying and the most amazing feeling ever...
I separated and divorced I HAD to let go, It was terrifying and the most amazing feeling ever...
#4
- Kitten
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 128
- Joined: 08-July 09
Posted 06 November 2009 - 10:02 PM
GotTheTeeShirt, on 06 November 2009 - 01:21 PM, said:
So here's the thing you need to know about yourself. You have a need to feel wanted. That's not a bad thing in and of itself...we all want that! But after years of being controlled and tossed around by all the button pushing, you have a greater need to feel wanted by your abuser than you have a need to feel safe from him.
And that's why he's pushing that button right now. He can feel that you are getting stronger and pushing back, so he's using the one thing he thinks will frighten and weaken you again.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel rotten about being ignored and given the silent treatment this week. Just remember that that is also a type of emotional abuse and is used to control you.
And really, what you want, what we all want, or wanted, from our partners is to have them do a 180 and realize just how much they love us and are going to lose if we leave. When they don't do that, it hurts.
It's a matter, now, of going beyond the point where what you feel (hurt that he is doing this to you this week) trumps what you know to be true in your head (that he is not changing and is pushing your buttons in order to break you down again).
I hope this helps a bit. Figuring out who you are and what you deserve in life is the most important thing you can do for yourself. =)
Tee
And that's why he's pushing that button right now. He can feel that you are getting stronger and pushing back, so he's using the one thing he thinks will frighten and weaken you again.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel rotten about being ignored and given the silent treatment this week. Just remember that that is also a type of emotional abuse and is used to control you.
And really, what you want, what we all want, or wanted, from our partners is to have them do a 180 and realize just how much they love us and are going to lose if we leave. When they don't do that, it hurts.
It's a matter, now, of going beyond the point where what you feel (hurt that he is doing this to you this week) trumps what you know to be true in your head (that he is not changing and is pushing your buttons in order to break you down again).
I hope this helps a bit. Figuring out who you are and what you deserve in life is the most important thing you can do for yourself. =)
Tee
Nice explanation Tee. You seem to have a good understanding of how they work. I love reading others perspectives on abusers, it really opens my eyes alot. I am with Mushu, I am still "in" but hanging on, and really wanting to let go so bad. I think for me it's fear of how he will react when I tell him and really I just need to get past that fear and DO IT!!! But it's not so easy! :unsure:
Pebbles
#5
- puttin the funk back in dysfunction
-
- Group: Member +
- Posts: 3112
- Joined: 01-October 02
Posted 07 November 2009 - 12:21 AM
Its is a tactic to reel you back in. It is the silent treatment and it is emotionally abusive.
i am sorry this is happening to you, i experienced this as very painful.
Ilish
i am sorry this is happening to you, i experienced this as very painful.
Ilish
#6
- Kitten
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 66
- Joined: 29-September 09
Posted 08 November 2009 - 11:30 AM
Thanks to all of you for your replies. I felt very "off-balance" Friday and emotional. That's when I go into crazy reacting mode.
Your posts helped me regain that center. I'm working on learning to provide that for myself but sometimes you just need help. Tee, what you said about "what I'm feeling" and "what I know to be true in my head" really pointed me in the right direction. I stopped, took a step back and looked at it a little more clearly. Also, I never really looked at why the hooks work. You mentioned my need to be wanted. Wow. Yep, dead on. Why couldn't I spot that?
Pebbles, sorry to hear you are in the same situation. We will get through!
Freedom, thanks for the most "terrifying and amazing feeling ever" comment. Somehow, you make it seem like although it was terrifying, everything was really ok on a deeper level. That is so encouraging my friend.
And Ilish, thanks for the validation and empathy. It's a tactic and you are right.
I'd also like to thank the Academy.....lol.
I just wanted to write a quick note of thanks to you all. I mean it really helped me center myself. I've had 2 days of peace in my life regardless of him. Cool.
Mushu
Your posts helped me regain that center. I'm working on learning to provide that for myself but sometimes you just need help. Tee, what you said about "what I'm feeling" and "what I know to be true in my head" really pointed me in the right direction. I stopped, took a step back and looked at it a little more clearly. Also, I never really looked at why the hooks work. You mentioned my need to be wanted. Wow. Yep, dead on. Why couldn't I spot that?
Pebbles, sorry to hear you are in the same situation. We will get through!
Freedom, thanks for the most "terrifying and amazing feeling ever" comment. Somehow, you make it seem like although it was terrifying, everything was really ok on a deeper level. That is so encouraging my friend.
And Ilish, thanks for the validation and empathy. It's a tactic and you are right.
I'd also like to thank the Academy.....lol.
I just wanted to write a quick note of thanks to you all. I mean it really helped me center myself. I've had 2 days of peace in my life regardless of him. Cool.
Mushu
#8
- Kitten
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 238
- Joined: 28-August 09
Posted 09 November 2009 - 08:55 AM
You will get there mushu! I know you will! Thoughts are powerful and if you keep envisioning yourself in a non-abusive environment, and then a non-abusive relationship, and take actual steps to get there, it will happen. You are already doing that with standing your ground. You did not allow him to abuse and degrade you. Give yourself some credit lady, I think thats awesome! :good:
Your not failing because you care! Not at all. Hopefully you wont change your loving, empathetic nature. You just wont waste it on someone who has nothing to give back to you & who wants to abuse and degrade you. There is a very special man out there somewhere who deserves you & it's not this one....
Huge Huge Huge Hugs to you for whatever happended this past weekend and HUGE,HUGE,HUGE HUGS for standing your ground!
Your not failing because you care! Not at all. Hopefully you wont change your loving, empathetic nature. You just wont waste it on someone who has nothing to give back to you & who wants to abuse and degrade you. There is a very special man out there somewhere who deserves you & it's not this one....
Huge Huge Huge Hugs to you for whatever happended this past weekend and HUGE,HUGE,HUGE HUGS for standing your ground!
#10
- Kitten
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 66
- Joined: 29-September 09
Posted 09 November 2009 - 02:40 PM
I'm better today. Stronger. Thanks for asking Chelli.
I keep telling myself. Let go. Like sooooo many of you tell me I need to and how that worked for you. Trust my Higher Power and let go.
That's been my mantra all day. I'm so much more calm. I broke from the hook. And everytime I feel myself getting worked up or "hooked". I let go.
Thanks HigherSelf for the kind words and hugs.
I can't help feeling like it is so close to the end. Emotionally I feel myself changing. I'm still scared out of my wits I won't be able to find a job. I just have to find a way to make it work.
I appreciate you ALL!!!!
Mushu
I keep telling myself. Let go. Like sooooo many of you tell me I need to and how that worked for you. Trust my Higher Power and let go.
That's been my mantra all day. I'm so much more calm. I broke from the hook. And everytime I feel myself getting worked up or "hooked". I let go.
Thanks HigherSelf for the kind words and hugs.
I can't help feeling like it is so close to the end. Emotionally I feel myself changing. I'm still scared out of my wits I won't be able to find a job. I just have to find a way to make it work.
I appreciate you ALL!!!!
Mushu