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I'm just wondering, is it really denial we experience when abuse happens or is it survival mode? My ex would hide my professional equipment when he wanted teach me a lesson or he would hide and threaten to distroy irreplacable client files. At the time I would be numb, telling myself, just sit tight, he'll bring it back before I need it. And I would flatten myself out to keep under his radar until he got over it. I knew and he knew that if he ever carried out his threat, I would have left him on the spot. Why didn't I just up and kick his bad behavior to the curb? Because he worked it so I became dependent on him (or was under the illusion I was dependent on him.) I knew I had to put up with a lot of carp in the name of security and to get what I needed. Was that denial or was it survival skills?
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Is it really denial?
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#2
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Posted 06 November 2009 - 02:17 PM
Hi Sookie,
Personally I think denial IS a survival skill. I feel like it is one we picked up a long the way somewhere, myself in childhood, to protect ourselves because we didn't know a better way. Unfortunately sometimes we carry it along to protect ourselves in situations that we shouldn't have to use it, but do.
I'm thankful for it sometimes because it has sort of helped me buy time until I was ready to deal with the difficult issue. NOT that I'm condoning denial. It is just a lesson I am FINALLY learning.
Best wishes,
Mushu
Personally I think denial IS a survival skill. I feel like it is one we picked up a long the way somewhere, myself in childhood, to protect ourselves because we didn't know a better way. Unfortunately sometimes we carry it along to protect ourselves in situations that we shouldn't have to use it, but do.
I'm thankful for it sometimes because it has sort of helped me buy time until I was ready to deal with the difficult issue. NOT that I'm condoning denial. It is just a lesson I am FINALLY learning.
Best wishes,
Mushu
#3
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Posted 06 November 2009 - 03:08 PM
Hi Sookie,
Mine wasn't so much denial as it was survival and/or ignorance of the various types of abuse that constitute emotional abuse.
I always knew he was an abuser and most of the time I recognized the abuse when it happened. But, like you, I had come to be dependent on him, was scared of his anger should I try to leave and had lost the will to assert my right to be free of the abuse. I didn't think of it in terms of "I need to leave". I thought of it in terms of "If I can just get past this one event, he will calm down and life will go back to normal for a few days. And maybe in those few days I can convince him to see my side of the situation so that he won't do this to me again".
And eventually, I reached a point where he left me alone for a few days. Those few days of peace and quiet were enough to allow me time to realize just how badly abused I was and that "I need to leave".
Up until that point, the overwhelming, daily force of his personality and presence in my life didn't leave me room to think beyond survival.
So no, I don't always think that it's denial. It all depends on your personality, the personality of your abuser and what your daily life looks like from the inside.
Tee
Mine wasn't so much denial as it was survival and/or ignorance of the various types of abuse that constitute emotional abuse.
I always knew he was an abuser and most of the time I recognized the abuse when it happened. But, like you, I had come to be dependent on him, was scared of his anger should I try to leave and had lost the will to assert my right to be free of the abuse. I didn't think of it in terms of "I need to leave". I thought of it in terms of "If I can just get past this one event, he will calm down and life will go back to normal for a few days. And maybe in those few days I can convince him to see my side of the situation so that he won't do this to me again".
And eventually, I reached a point where he left me alone for a few days. Those few days of peace and quiet were enough to allow me time to realize just how badly abused I was and that "I need to leave".
Up until that point, the overwhelming, daily force of his personality and presence in my life didn't leave me room to think beyond survival.
So no, I don't always think that it's denial. It all depends on your personality, the personality of your abuser and what your daily life looks like from the inside.
Tee
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