[tuttifrutti]

2 days ago I told my xh that I was limiting his access to DD as the verbal abuse continues and I'm afraid for her. A very emotionally wrought experience. After an initial abusive reaction to which I put the phone down and a few slips here and there he actually took it very well, said that he would honour my decision and was kind of nice to me. So yesterday I was full of doubts thinking 'maybe I've been overreacting and seeing abuse where there isn't, maybe he has changed etc etc'. Didn't act - woke up this morning - one day contact free and realised quite a number of things. Even though he acted calmly 1 it was only most of the time and after I set a boundary 2. his words belied attitudes that tend to lead to abuse e.g. a sense of ownership re: DD . I also realised that it actually doesn't matter if it had just been me overreacting - I was 6 years in an abusive relationship and if I was overreacting it still indicates that I need space and I don't need put to my DD in line of fire in case I'm overreacting. IF I'm being selfish and the decision isn't really about DD (though I'm pretty sure it is - I truly don't want her to experience his verbal abuse) but about me - very much less contact is obviously something I still need for me to recover and that in turn is good for DD. All in all things felt very much clearer after just 1 day with no contact.
So my advice (for what it's worth) is this...

If you set a boundary or limit and you start to doubt it - DON"T ACT. Give yourself some space and time before you take any action - we are so used to doubting/second guessing ourselves it's almost impossible that we won't but we can wait....

Enjoying the only once a week contact :653: and feel good that I'm protecting my DD in spite of my doubts and in spite of the fact that I still care far too much about what he thinks....

[Pebbles]

That sounds like good, sound advice to me. I look forward to the day of having only once a week contact. Right now that is my dream (I am still "in" - for now).

[Tahwandaaa]

tuttifrutti, on 05 November 2009 - 03:43 PM, said:

If you set a boundary or limit and you start to doubt it - DON"T ACT. Give yourself some space and time before you take any action - we are so used to doubting/second guessing ourselves it's almost impossible that we won't but we can wait....

Amen and GIDDYUP!

[Myhigherself]

tuttifruti, when I read this this morning I was like YES!!!!!!! This realization is awesome! In addition to Tahwandaas quote of what you had I also loved the fact that you realized that things became much clearer to you after just 1 day with no contact! Isn't it amazing that once we are away from their constant in our face abuse that things become clear!!

I am so happy for you :clapping:

[dsd97]

Myhigherself, on 06 November 2009 - 08:34 AM, said:

tuttifruti, when I read this this morning I was like YES!!!!!!! This realization is awesome! In addition to Tahwandaas quote of what you had I also loved the fact that you realized that things became much clearer to you after just 1 day with no contact! Isn't it amazing that once we are away from their constant in our face abuse that things become clear!!

I am so happy for you :clapping:

Congrats Tuttifrutti on your growth!!!

[Chelli]

This some epiphany occured to me this year, on October 31, in fact. Ms. Diva had gone into one of her typical incoherent rages and hung up on me. Rather than what I had been trained to do in the past, which was to call her back right away and act as *peacemaker* I simply sat on my hands and waited. Sure enough, she showed up on my door step to take the grandkids out for trick or treating despite informing me a half hour earlier that this event would not occur. My sitting on my hands *doing nothing* was actually a good example to set for the grankids as well, so that they also learned that placating Mom may not always be in their best interests.

Ain't growth like this grand? Learning that sometimes this *best* reaction is to do nothing! Let some time pass. And then reassess to see if anything needs to be done.

Chelli