[tuttifrutti]

2 days ago I told my xh that I was limiting his access to DD as the verbal abuse continues and I'm afraid for her. A very emotionally wrought experience. After an initial abusive reaction to which I put the phone down and a few slips here and there he actually took it very well, said that he would honour my decision and was kind of nice to me. So yesterday I was full of doubts thinking 'maybe I've been overreacting and seeing abuse where there isn't, maybe he has changed etc etc'. Didn't act - woke up this morning - one day contact free and realised quite a number of things. Even though he acted calmly 1 it was only most of the time and after I set a boundary 2. his words belied attitudes that tend to lead to abuse e.g. a sense of ownership re: DD . I also realised that it actually doesn't matter if it had just been me overreacting - I was 6 years in an abusive relationship and if I was overreacting it still indicates that I need space and I don't need put to my DD in line of fire in case I'm overreacting. IF I'm being selfish and the decision isn't really about DD (though I'm pretty sure it is - I truly don't want her to experience his verbal abuse) but about me - very much less contact is obviously something I still need for me to recover and that in turn is good for DD. All in all things felt very much clearer after just 1 day with no contact.
So my advice (for what it's worth) is this...

If you set a boundary or limit and you start to doubt it - DON"T ACT. Give yourself some space and time before you take any action - we are so used to doubting/second guessing ourselves it's almost impossible that we won't but we can wait....

Enjoying the only once a week contact :653: and feel good that I'm protecting my DD in spite of my doubts and in spite of the fact that I still care far too much about what he thinks....

[Pebbles]

That sounds like good, sound advice to me. I look forward to the day of having only once a week contact. Right now that is my dream (I am still "in" - for now).

[Tahwandaaa]

tuttifrutti, on 05 November 2009 - 01:43 PM, said:

If you set a boundary or limit and you start to doubt it - DON"T ACT. Give yourself some space and time before you take any action - we are so used to doubting/second guessing ourselves it's almost impossible that we won't but we can wait....

Amen and GIDDYUP!

[Myhigherself]

tuttifruti, when I read this this morning I was like YES!!!!!!! This realization is awesome! In addition to Tahwandaas quote of what you had I also loved the fact that you realized that things became much clearer to you after just 1 day with no contact! Isn't it amazing that once we are away from their constant in our face abuse that things become clear!!

I am so happy for you :clapping: