[The Admin Team]

About a year ago there was a significant blowup on this site.

The spark that got things started was a video Doc posted on the main site, DrIrene.com. It was a political piece, and with feelings high on both sides of the election, it raised the ire of folks on the other side of the electoral fence. Doc realized it was a dumb move, and apologized.

However, it became obvious that there was a deeper issue within the site that had been building pressure for some time. The site's admins had been running the site with little involvement from Doc for several years. The dustup over the political post brought her into much more contact with the site than she'd been having, and as she looked around, she didn't agree with the direction it had been taking. (Long story short, Dr. I believed that certain things are essential goals for overcoming being a victim mired in an abusive relationship. She believed the site had developed an emotional tone that was far too weighted toward validating the feelings of members, with no apparent emphasis toward the essential goals of focus on self-reflection, taking personal responsibility, and developing the skills to overcome a victim mindset.) The site's admins at the time felt that their time and effort spent running the site weren't being given appropriate respect, and all but three of them resigned. The departed admins started a site of their own.

A Catbox member had launched a site of her own over a year previously, and it had been a welcome "neighbor" of the Catbox. Most, if not all, of its members were also Catbox members. This friendly neighbor relationship ended with the blowup. Some of its members were among the recently-resigned admins. The Catbox was thrown into disarray, with former admins posting after-the-fact "resignation letters" and other angry long-term members venting their anger and frustration on virtually every thread. Many resigned, leaving with harsh words. Many others were banned as they repeatedly broke forum rules. Threats were even made that required Doc to retain legal counsel.

Following the blowup, one of the former admin used "back-door" access to the Catbox admin's forum to eavesdrop and copy discussions taking place. These discussions were then shared with others, with quotes that were obviously not intended to be seen by any non-admin. These were frank assessments and were made in the unguarded way that admin in any forum use to discuss board problems. Presented out of context, the selected quotes gave a bad view of what were simply some new admin trying hard to solve problems and save the board from being destroyed.

The Catbox's newly recruited admin were almost incapable of dealing with the chaos. But after a month or two the worst was over, leaving a much-reduced number of active posters on this site and two bitterly opposed "other" sites.

There was one problem for the newer of the "other" sites. It had no presence on search engines. It had no means of acquiring new members. So, they realized they would have to languish with a couple of hundred members, or recruit new members from the Catbox. One of the former admins actually posted this on their site before they made a private forum. A routine was established where members of that site would contact Catbox members by PM who were considered prospects, particularly new ones, and recruit them to their new site.

That site's leadership presents themselves as encouraging everyone to go to any site that helps the members. The Catbox has always maintained that we encourage finding help wherever it's best found. Both the main site, DrIrene.com and this site are replete with links to many helpful sites. It is a sore point, and a weak one of ours, that we are easily perceived as being jealous of keeping members here. It's not that we jealously want to keep people here. There are just some sites we aren't inclined to recommend, including that one.

If anyone has approached you, using this site's private message feature, suggesting that you would be better off at their site, we'd appreciate a note from you telling us about it. In that way we obviously could do much to limit that practice. We just ask that you consider the ethics involved and the context offered in this post and decide.

If you've read this far, please accept that the purpose of this board is to provide information and support for people who are trying to solve or end abusive relationships. We would much prefer to have ten or twelve members who genuinely need and receive help here than hundreds who mainly want to socialize and entertain themselves with online drama. There is no benefit to this site in keeping you or any other member involved here any longer than is beneficial to you.

While we firmly believe the goodness and value in all people, we will not tolerate trashing of rules that keep this board safe and ensure that it functions as intended.

With best wishes to all who come here.

[DrIrene]

I participated in the Admin Team post, but want to add my own point as well.

In the days just before last Fall's blowup, when I looked around the forum, I was literally shocked to the core. When there was member agreement, there was lots of encouragement, but if there was disagreement, member posts were hostile and blaming instead of self-reflective. The emotional tone of the site struck me as sassy, flip, and sarcastic –the diametric opposite of how I left it some years ago. Members were verbally acting out, and were not being called on their mis-behaviors by the admins.

I had an overwhelming impression that reflection had been replaced by blame; sense of humor had been replaced by ridicule.

Contrary to a focus on self-reflection, taking personal responsibility,and developing the verbal and emotional skills to overcome a victim mindset – which is what the main site teaches, people were inadvertently encouraged to remain stuck in their anger and derive a false sense of power in that anger. The admins, while empathic and caring, in the name of validation tended to condone and enable angry acting out. Validation without limit-setting does not work.

My impression was that many of these victims of abuse were actually sinking to the tactics of their abusers.

This was not a site I was interested in sponsoring.

The admins were surprised because they thought they were doing a good job. We tried to reconcile and come to terms, but could not bridge the gaps. I suppose I can understand. Having had full control over the forum for years expending their blood, sweat, and tears, only to be told that it was all wrong is a tough bite to swallow.

The lesson I learned is that I could not abdicate responsibility for the forum even to the most well-meaning group of people. As a result, I have been more involved this past year, keeping my finger on the pulse of the CB. It is important that this site be a safe place for those who come here.

Dr. Irene

[freefall]

Thank you for the explanation.....I wanted to understand what went on and how we could avoid that from ever happening again and now I know.

I really appreciate it. This is and has always been a safe place for me thanks to the good people who "run" it and the others who give a voice.
FF

[Pebbles]

I just want to say that I feel very safe here and am glad I have someone to "go" to who understands what I am going thru. I appreciate that Doc is keeping an eye on things and want to thank her for this fantastic means of support during a very rough time in my life.

Pebbles ^_^

[Myhigherself]

Thank you for this site Dr. Irene & the Forum Admins that work for you. Below is a copy paste from my profile page just to let you know how much I appreciate you, & all the "catboxers" here.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I made it out!!

6 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I could not see straight. I questioned every single thing I did or said due to my abuser. I knew I needed to get away from him and had not one dime to my name. What did I do? I went to see about buying some land and putting a mobile home on it. Whatever made me think that I could do that (without one single cent) is beyond me. But GOD & the Universe work in mysterious ways and the woman at the Land Property Office was so nice and I totally dumped on her. She wrote down "trubbles catbox" on a little piece of paper and told me to google it, so I did. I came here. I wrote down specific situations that I was having with my ex VA and lo and behold, I found out I wasn't a flake, and he was a totally abusive disgusting individual.

Your posts and your thoughts and your time is what got me out of that abusive situation. After I got out I lost internet access for approx 2 years. Kept telling myself I would come back someday, but time wore on and I didn't come back. I then had a trigger with an extremely verbally abusive female boss, and where did I run too? Here of course! I hope to not leave again, and in my own small way to help others as I was helped.


Well here I am and here I would like to stay. Smiles and Love To All.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The people who try to wile me to other sites always astound me. I just had that happen on another site that I visit, out of nowhere here comes this PM saying that it sounded like I need to go to such and such a site, like I did not belong posting on the site I was at!!! I was highly insulted. This person by the way was a brand new poster at the site I was at!! Of course I had to check out the site this person referred to, curiousity got the cat so to speak. Site was BORING, horribly set up and the few posts that I read, I wanted nothing to do with those people. There are other good sites out there as you well know, but I have to say tht personally I find it underhanded & unethical to go around pming people to come to certain sites.

Well just wanted to say Thank you for all that you do.
:)

[Maddie]

Hi Admin Team

Thank you for your explanation. I had no idea about the blow up that occurred last year.

Being an old catboxer, I did notice that alot had changed on this forum and many of my questions, some unanswered, have now come into light.

Regards

Maddie

[faithangel50]

Myhigherself God does wokr in mystreious ways does't He?

[protector]

Oops. I JUST posted to Eric the Red that he could PM me for the address of the new men's site. i hope that was OK. I didn't want to post it publicly knowing that while it had current support from this site, this site did not want to officially support it publicly.

I hope that was OK. Feel free to remove my other post if it was not.

Peace.

[seeking]

At the risk of losing my membership I’ve decided to respond to this post. Several months ago I received an p.m. and “invitation” to join one of those other sites. I never responded. I also never responded to a friend invitation from a now banned member. Having witnessed at least 3 or 4 other instances here where there were disagreements followed by banning, I could sense the potential for behind the scenes game playing and manipulation through private messages, from either side, the administrators as well as the posters. I refused to participate and get caught in the middle. To me private messages allow secrecy to flourish and makes abuses by both posters and administrators possible. I disabled my pm here and I have stopped posting because the atmosphere here has continued to become increasingly stifling and punitive. I have not been “recruited” to any other site.
I do visit the men's site for abusers and actually prefer their way of dealing with differing opinions, they actually listen and consider them as well as readjust their suggestions while taking the differing opinions into account. They also have an open discussion board where members can openly discuss their differences for everyone to see. People are much more apt to disagree respectfully when it’s done out in the open, not in secrecy.
Many abused women come to this site hurt, confused and ANGRY. They need support, validation and a place to vent. Many times their anger will be what motivates them to leave their abuser. Any advice I received concerning retaliation or vindictiveness was never given seriously and I would have never taken it seriously. It was given with a sense of humor and although I knew it was given to help me feel better, I would have never actually considered acting on it. Along with getting validation here and a place to vent I also received much feedback helping me learn to be reflective of my life, my behavior and my choices and to begin taking responsibility for myself, very often times it came from those now banned members.
To me this post is the beginning of getting everything out in the open. I hope it will continue. Often I have felt part of the problem here seems to be a case of too many chiefs not enough Indians. We are all adults here. Perhaps less supervision as well as a place for open disagreements would be a step towards rebuilding this place to be a safe place to come to learn and vent and learn some more.

[posso]

protector, on 05 November 2009 - 05:25 PM, said:

Oops. I JUST posted to Eric the Red that he could PM me for the address of the new men's site. i hope that was OK. I didn't want to post it publicly knowing that while it had current support from this site, this site did not want to officially support it publicly.

I hope that was OK. Feel free to remove my other post if it was not.

Peace.

No problem, Protector. There isn't any 'position' regarding the site you're talking about, that I'm aware of.