[Shifra]

I got this GREAT idea from a different forum....but thought it would be a great exercise in perspective, especially for women who are still trying to identify whether they are in an abusive relationship or not...

Women (especially, I'm sure abused men do the same) have a tendency to glorify the 'crumbs' that are thrown them. Tasks that when we fulfil them, are taken for granted, but Tasks that an Abuser fulfils are supposed to be given glory.

So...here is how it works.

1. List all the great things about your partner (or list the crumbs that keep you hoovered in, if you have already identified him as an abuser).

eg.
1. He cooks most of the time so I don't have to
2. He get's up in the morning, since the new baby arrived, and gets the older kids ready and driven to school
3. He cleans out the toilet
4. He takes the kids out to the movies and gives them great gifts
5. He gives generous donations of our money to charities
6. He is easily moved to tears over sad films, he is so sensitive.
7. He sometimes babysits the children on a Wednesday night so I can go out to an hour long lesson.
8. Every few months he praises something I've done that makes him happy.


Now, the automatic response from most people in society would be, after reading that list: "Oh wow, how lucky you are to have such a great guy!" and "why could you ever want to leave a man who does so many great things like that?". Most of society would want to applaud such a man as being going beyond his call of duty.

2. Okay. Let's now reverse each of those statments. Change the He to She.

1. She cooks most of the time so I don't have to
2. She get's up in the morning, since the new baby arrived, and gets the older kids ready and driven to school
3. She cleans out the toilet
4. She takes the kids out to the movies and gives them great gifts
5. She gives generous donations of our money to charities
6. She is easily moved to tears over sad films, she is so sensitive.
7. She sometimes babysits the children on a Wednesday night so I can go out to an hour long lesson.
8. Every few months she praises something I've done that makes her happy.

All the glory tends to disappear now, doesnt it. All these tasks that we do, are taken for granted, and up for criticism. If you are with an abuser, when you do the things on the list, they either have a value of zero, or if they are not done/not done up to scratch, have a negative value. And for some of the things on the list, he would probably accuse you of taking advantage and/or abusing him! I know that is my experience.

What do you come up with?

(ps, if you are a man, do your first list with she, and the 2nd with he)

[TGIFreeAtLast]

I think that this exercise in perspective is less a test for abuse (though it could be modified for that) than it is an eye-opener on the sexism and double-standards of our society. Women are pretty much expected to do the lion's share of housework and child-care (usually in addition to having part-time or full-time work outside of the home), so that when a man contributes in any way towards either of these areas - however insignificantly - it's considered a reason to applaud him. He "babysits" his own kids, what a hero - when a mother takes care of her own children, is it considered babysitting?

It's a sad reality (that I think can and will change) that shared responsibilities and fairness within a male/female couple is considered something extraordinary instead of being the normal and expected thing.

How this relates to abuse: the sexism and the double-standards that this test reaveals, are multiplied in an abuser times 100. An abuser feels entitled to his selfish priveleges and freedom from ANY kind of responsibility or team-effort, and become FURIOUS when this entitlement is questioned or criticised. The abuser embodies the sexist expectation that women are supposed to serve a man's needs and fulfill his wishes, even if it means giving up her self-hood in the process. An abuser takes it even farther in that, not only his female partner but also his children and the good of his family should be sacrificed on the altar of his selfishness. Abusers are the epitome of sexism, and then some.

An exercise like the one above is a good eye-opener for the way our society thinks and how we operate in even non-abusive relationships. Sexism dead? Not by a long shot...

[Pebbles]

TGIFreeAtLast, on 04 November 2009 - 03:33 AM, said:

He "babysits" his own kids, what a hero - when a mother takes care of her own children, is it considered babysitting?

Really not funny, but so true! I cannot even count how many times has H told me he "babysat" his own son!!!

[Myhigherself]

Shifra,

I cant wait to print out your list (black out your name of course and the web address) and show it to everyone I know!!

If this isn't telling nothing is!!!

Thank you for this great post!

[mushu]

OMG! That surprised me. How crazy is that change in perspective? What is just "expected" for some and some type of a gift from others. Very interesting.
Thanks!

Mushu

[sedona011]

I would also add something else-- how many times, when he does something on that list, does he feel the need to point it out to you? Does he just do kind and helpful things out of the goodness of his heart, or does he tell you: "I cleaned the house so you won't have to." Is he kind to you for altruistic reasons or because he is trying to get "credit"?

[Tahwandaaa]

The saying, "It's all a matter of perspective," calls out loud and clear from your post Shifra. I wasn't expecting the 'test' to go in the direction it went. Thanks for reminding me how I went beyond duty as a mother when my children were home ... and now for what I do as a wife (not married to an abuser anymore), grandma, neighbor, student, sister, aunt, etc etc...
thanks!
Tah :)

[2017]

Something that I noticed in the year leading up to the divorce filing was SS complaining about all the things that I don't do (or don't do well/often) enough for him. But then I started thinking about the things that he did for me. I didn't come up with anything that he did for me, recently or in the past few years. And years ago when he would do something for 'me', it was something that he wanted for himself.

After he filed I stopped doing the few things for him that were left. Meals for him, his laundry, buying the food that he likes at the grocery store. There was nothing for him to stop doing for me.

[Pebbles]

sedona011, on 04 November 2009 - 07:04 AM, said:

I would also add something else-- how many times, when he does something on that list, does he feel the need to point it out to you? Does he just do kind and helpful things out of the goodness of his heart, or does he tell you: "I cleaned the house so you won't have to." Is he kind to you for altruistic reasons or because he is trying to get "credit"?

Sedona,
That's so funny because my H is constantly wanting "credit" for doing the dishes, or "credit" for cooking etc. etc. And he always tells me now "I did (son's) laundry, it's in the dryer" like he's doing me a big favor! How many YEARS have I done the laundry and not pointed it out to him?! Good Lord!! I was thinking the other day what things does he do around the house that I don't do and the only thing I could come up with was mow the lawn (once every 3 or 4 months). Gee, I guess I can hire someone to do that job huh? There's NOTHING else he does for me. Lazy, lazy!!

[Kilroy]

Though I've been busy with other things lately, I CANNOT resist taking time out to respond to this, Shifra, because it's so significant to the origin of the Catbox itself! :)

Unless they've read the relevant material on the Doc's main site, many members here may not know exactly why the "Catbox" is called what it is.

The Doc started her site in 1999 (to the best of my knowledge). In those days she could afford the time to be more personally involved with visitors to her site. There weren't as many back then when the site was still getting started. The Doc was answering mail with free advice about people's problems as well as moderating several e-mail support lists. She also started a message board, unmoderated at the time, hosted by a now-defunct outfit called "InsideTheWeb" on some rather primitive software.

On her main site, one of the Doc's innovations (she did the Web programming herself) was what she called an "interactive board." Somebody would mail her with their problem, the Doc would answer it on her main site in the usual way--but afterwards she'd "throw the question open to the floor" for visitors to her site to add their own comments on another Web page. Afterwards the Doc would go through commenting on their comments. Naturally a lot of cross-talk took place among the posters on these "interactive boards," with the Doc joining in. There are still dozens of these Web pages on the main site from the early 2000s.

One day a woman named Lynn sent the Doc mail about her own unhappy marriage. After numerous frustrations over one thing and another, Lynn was seriously starting to question whether or not her marriage was worth it. She could well have been following the counsel of Ann Landers back in the 80s and 90s, who used to advise readers contemplating divorce to ask themselves "Am I better off WITH my spouse... or WITHOUT him (or her)?" Lynn sat down to summarize in a notebook what she was and was not getting out of her marriage. When all the pros and cons were balanced against one another, she ended up with only one net benefit:

Her husband cleaned out the cats' litter boxes twice a week!

In a functional marriage, naturally the partners get innumerable benefits from being with one another--starting with "enjoyable company" and building from there. But Lynn's marriage was not at all happy, so she was driven to ask herself the next question. In her own words: "So I'm selling my soul for clean cat boxes? Is this worth it?"

She knew she was perfectly capable of cleaning those cat boxes herself. If she left him, wouldn't that be a small price to pay for the sake of a better life?

By this time the "interactive boards" were on the point of evolving into what was effectively a form of online group therapy, with everyone joining in to discuss their own problems and perspectives. The discussion prompted by Lynn's "cat box" letter was allowed to go on running continuously. Even her husband joined in--though I regret to say the couple never did work out their differences to Lynn's satisfaction, and they did split in the end. Meanwhile, the therapeutic colloquy that was quickly dubbed "The Catbox"--later known as "the Old Catbox"--ran to 53 Web pages, virtually an entire year.

There always had been a feline flavor to the Doc's site, and "Trubble" was around long before Lynn spoke up. But Lynn's letter set the seal on the name. After a time (long story short), all the other support facilities the Doc was running, including the old message board, were consolidated in a new, moderated message board with up-to-date software. Naturally this was called the "New Catbox" after one of the most beloved facilities it replaced. Though it wasn't practical for the Doc to keep up her former level of personal participation with the burgeoning membership of the site, the name remains for a community of people who were and still are just as active as the Doc in supporting one another.

Lynn's original letter that started all this can still be seen here:

Sold Out for Clean Cat Boxes

And for anyone who cares to read or learn from them, all 53 pages of the "Old Catbox" can still be seen starting here:

The Old Catbox

Although what you said is slightly different from the point Lynn was making, Shifra, it's every bit as valid. What Lynn said could also be interpreted in your own terms. I dare say she had been counting herself lucky to have a husband who cleaned out the cats' litter boxes. But if she'd been cleaning them herself, would her husband have valued her as highly for doing that? I doubt it very much! In other circumstances he'd probably have criticized her any time the litter smelled! ;)