[Mehitabel]

I was just looking over the thread "Signs He Has Changed."

And I realized that what I'd really like to see is "Signs I Have Changed"

I'm divorced, so I don't give a --- about him. But have I changed? I can't tell.

Right now, if I think I might like a guy, I automatically feel that the fact that I'm attracted to him is enough of a warning sign that I should just completely stay away from him. (And I do.)

But how do you tell if you've changed enough that you might be able to trust your own judgment?

What are the signs for that?

-M

[protector]

I think the first sign is that you've been alone for a while. I think women should NOT seek a relationship for at least 6 months after separation. That way, you know how to be alone and you won't risk dating a man simply for the sake of "needing" a man not to be alone.

However, I found my non-relationship dating helpful in furthering my healing. Dating is like practice for the real thing. You can gauge your emotions and reactions to another man without risking feeling you have to work on the relationship if you feel "off". You can simply not go on another date with him.

Other signs, I would say, are ability to exercise freedom and make your own decisions. Get comfortable being your own woman. Be independent. Get back to your old self. Do activities you never could before. Just be. You.

Lastly, don't mold yourself into the woman that you think Mr. Right is going to want - whether you're dating him or still looking for him. Get a clear picture of who you are now before moving on.

[michigan_mom]

Man I can relate!!! I went right into another relationship....BAD IDEA!!!!! and it is a struggle for me...but my daughter got out..and I just freak out for her!!! I think, but don't be attracted to anybody..because you are going to pick the same kind of guy!!! How do you know??? That is a good question

[Mehitabel]

I don't date at all. I socialize mostly in groups, and with women friends.

And this has been OK for a long time. I am totally working on myself, and trying to figure out how to be an actual responsible unafraid person.

But recently, I feel like I've becoming very very sensitive to guys. Lots of fantasy stuff. Well, OK. I've been basically single for 3 years. Maybe it's time to move on. I don't necessarily want to be completely single for the rest of my life. But I don't want to be trapped again. I don't even want to risk it.

Protector, you talked about non-relationship dating. For me, I feel like if one is friends with a guy, one automatically starts giving up oneself. I guess I just can't imagine a relationship that would help me be myself. Or even one that would allow me to be myself.

I guess that is my fear. I want to be myself. I have no model for a relationship in which that is the case. I guess my feeling is that I am fine on my own, but I have no idea how to interact with a guy. How do you learn something like that?

-M

[cuttingloose]

take your time...get back in touch w/ you..listen to your gut, it is there..trust yourself..and your instincts..you will know when the time is right..time is an amazing thing...

HUGS
CL

[Myhigherself]

Mehitabel, on 03 November 2009 - 10:10 PM, said:

I guess that is my fear. I want to be myself. I have no model for a relationship in which that is the case. I guess my feeling is that I am fine on my own, but I have no idea how to interact with a guy. How do you learn something like that?
-M

Mehitabel,

I love the idea of a thread "Signs I have Changed" I bet there would be alot more signs that we have changed than we think there would be.

I dont think it is something you learn. Im thinking the interaction between two people either comes naturally or it doesn't. For example you are out with some friends at a social function or out dancing,you are introduced to two men. One of the men just keeps looking at you and basically you are uncomfortable and "talking about the weather" The other guy immediately asks you if you like "old movies" you say yes you do and wow everything just moves from there in a natural way.

I know that we are all different and have our own ways of doing things. What worked for me was well first off I had absolutly no interest whatsoever in dating when the ex VA and I divorced. It was two years before I would even accept a date. Finally I did and he stood me up!! omg can you imagine how I felt, (of course looking back I should have seen he was the type to not show) Another date only wanted one thing um yea guess what that was. & my prime time favorite was a guy who on our first date said that really I should get blue eye contacts (I have green eyes, big ones) omg I went off on this guy and told him he should get some freakin hair!!! He really ticked me off. Have to go through those frogs to get to a Prince I guess.

I was not unhappy being by myself I had also decided I was not going to change one thing about myself, if they didn't like me or the way I thought oh well, so I stay by myself and Im happy.
Anyway I prayed to GOD that if I was meant to be with someone fine, if not I could accept that too. But if there was someone out there for me, could GOD put that someone in my path? & Lo & Behold GOD did!!

It will happen when you are ready for it to happen. (just watch out for those frogs!!!!)

:)

[Hopeful110]

Mehitable,

You say you want to be by yourself. That's one of my fears if I would leave my H, that I would be alone the rest of my life. As much as I would love to live without the VA/EA, I'm afraid that I would spend too much time alone. I don't like to be by myself. What do you do to keep yourself busy? How do you not get depressed from being by yourself?

[Tahwandaaa]

Mehitabel, on 03 November 2009 - 01:26 PM, said:

But how do you tell if you've changed enough that you might be able to trust your own judgment?

What are the signs for that?

DrI has some great stuff on her site that may help you with your questions Mehitabel:
http://www.drirene.c...im_recovery.php

Exploring her "Victim's Pages" will also be helpful:
http://www.drirene.com/victimpages.php

Blessings,
Tah :kitty:

[Mehitabel]

Thanks, folks, for all the ideas.

I guess that what I am hearing is take it slow, pay attention to myself, and just live.

I think I need to heal from a lot more than from just my x.

Hopeful, I have no problem keeping busy. I am in school, I join groups, I do pottery -- there are a zillion things to do. I do have a huge problem when I am alone by myself. That does give me bad thoughts. However, as I say, I join a lot of groups, and so there is always something to do.

I guess I just feel like I have been doing the right things for three years, and I am getting impatient for something different.

But I suppose one can't push it.

Tah, thanks for the links.

-Mehitabel

Thanks again.

[sookie]

Mehitabel, on 05 November 2009 - 11:55 AM, said:

I have no problem keeping busy. I am in school, I join groups, I do pottery -- there are a zillion things to do. I do have a huge problem when I am alone by myself. That does give me bad thoughts. However, as I say, I join a lot of groups, and so there is always something to do.

Mehital,

Keeping busy is good, but I've found that I often need to slow down and sit with my feelings. Whenever something big is coming out, I can feel it like a big burb sitting in my gut and it keeps rising until I can breathe it out. Then I feel peaceful. Tricks I've used is to just focus on the feeling, not think about it, but focus on what it feels like in my body and wait for it to release. Also, keeping a mindless journal on feelings works wonders. Just start writing without thinking how it sounds or if it makes sense. Start writing and keep your pen moving, writing anything that comes into your mind. Its amazing how the simple act of writing helps clarify everything and helps you move on.