A few years later I attended a conference with her, she was QUITE pregnant. Sparks, electricity, you name it - it was there. But I thought it was just me. By the end of the conference folks were asking us what we were going to name OUR baby, we were both embarrassed. After the conference we both returned to our perspective offices and didn't speak much. I thought it was all in my head, apparently so did she - she was quite hurt by my silence I found out later. Seems she was married and miserable.
We did talk a little. As time went on we were still friends. Another conference came up, during one of the fun nights out on a ride I reached out to her, we ended up holding hands. It was again, electric! We palled around the rest of the conference, it was fun. When we got home we spoke more, we found out about the electricity. I was seeing someone at the time. We decided to explore this, we got together one day, it was awkward and in the end we didn't work well. We setup a business trip where we could try again but before the trip she told me she was seeing someone else and on the trip she was pretty sick. I was hurt but I thought it was for the better. She was pregnant again, she ended up leaving her husband and going to the new man, she married him, not too long after she had twin boys with him - 4children now We remained in touch, we still talked, now closer friends than before but still some distance.
Forward a few more years. My relationship is on life support, boring, no love, just roomates with benefits I guess. She had said something to me months before that had pushed me away so we weren't talking. A friend of her's came to me looking for some help. We spoke and I realized that I had been silly to stop talking to her. We began talking again, I found out she was seperated and had been for months. We began hanging out, I did stuff for her around the house - fixed things. The electricity was back bigtime. Pretty soon it was physical, we fell in love. I met her children, we got along well.
I found out that her life had been hell for years. That the whole family walked on egg shells every night awaiting his coming home. That his mood set the tone for the evening. He was often angry, they fought often - angry yelling fights. He never backed down, he always won. No discussion, his way or the highway she says. He became physical with the children. Social services soon had two reports and he was forced into "anger management" therapy which he resented. They tried couples therapy, the male therapist was soon on his side and she was miserable. Eventually she managed to get him out of the house for the kids ad months later she and I began to talk and see one another.
He figured out that something was up, got her drunk one evening taking her out to dinner and grilled her. She admitted to the two of us seeing one another. He decided to tell the woman I was with - I told her instead. I soon moved out and my friend and I were soon seeing one another a good bit. Before we made any formal commitment he managed to get into her bed, he even took a picture without asking. Guilty she told me about it, we made a commitment to one another right then. During an argument the next day with my ex she told me she knew the two of them had slept together, it was clear to me what he had tried to do but he denied it to her. She's still not sure.
Time went on with the two of us seeing one another. I got to know the kids and grew to love them too. We both read some books on men with abuse issues but I don't think she ever saw herself as "abused". I knew they spoke some, the boys were real trouble as they almost took over his role. She tried one therapist with them without much luck. We seemed to drift apart a little, I wasn't sure what was up and asking about it didn't seem to help. She went to see a second therapist with him too. The idea being they would work together with the boys. He was "Disney Dad" of course, taking the boys places every other weekend etc. He had even stopped being a jerk to her for once, her anger seemed to have cooled. Well after the first therapy session she said she needed some space. That she was thinking of couples therapy with him again. I was in shock, what about us?! She said she wasn't going anywhere. We had plans to move in together in just a few months, I was pretty confused.
I gave her some space, I was out of town for a week and left her alone. When I returned and saw her she tells me that she wishes to be "friends" and that she would be seeing a counselor with him. Him the man who was suddenly so nice. We had been seeing one another almost 10 months, she was the center of my world - no longer. I told her goodbye, she told me she still loved me.
We went a week before I could no longer stand it, I read still more books. I began to understand that this was maybe part of a pattern. We still speak some now, it's only been since memorial day weekend. My problem is this makes no sense to me, that the abuse is so obvious to me but not to her. That I feel she is making a huge mistake. I know he will abuse her again. He's never gone more than a few months but time is so slow! We've seen one another a time or two. When we sat and spoke it was obvious she cares, she cries too. But she says she "must do this". She has told her oldest daughter, the one who fears him the most, that she and I are simply taking a break. The older daughter says she is there all the time now. <sigh> The second time I saw her it was like I'd never left, it was so easy. She hugged me and told me that she loved me too when I left. I'm so confused!
I'm not sure what to do. The anchor book says to not push her away. My friends, my counselor, all say to be distant. My counselor has pointed out that the power in their relationship has gone from being all his to now all her's and I see it. I am also seeing signs that he is looking to tie her down again, spend her money. She is stronger now, more wary, he is now getting "anger management" counseling and the two attend couples therapy.
Meanwhile I am alone in apartment that has never been more than home base. Her home was mine, I was always there except for nights. When she asked me to be "friends" she said that I had been smothering her. When she and I had tried to slow things down I had taken to calling each day to see if she wanted me to come over - she tired of that soon and told me to come over all the time. So being told I smothered her confuses me. I want to think that she was just scared of our looming move in date, when I asked she agreed that was scaring her. I have pushed her some, stupidly. I have tried to point out the folly of what she is doing, asked her why she would go back to someone who has hurt her so much, She simply says she must do this, that she is doing it for her and for her family. She doesn't see the damage he has caused to the family already and that this mess continues to cause. I am on the sidelines now, powerless to do anything. I am having a hard time accepting this, I am having a hard time feeling so little control over things.
I read the stories here. I see the patterns, the awful patterns, that emerge over and over. I am caught in this with a woman I dearly love and who I would give the world for. She doesn't see the pattern and I worry she is headed for a meat grinder. I worry that what comes out the other end may not be fully the woman I still love. I feel that she still loves me too, she says she does. She says her eyes are wide open, that this will be the last time if he screws it up. I hope dearly that if this happens that she will come back to me. That we can both get some help for surely this is damaging me too now, I feel it. If time could just jump forward I feel like it would all be better. But passing the time is hard. I am leaning on friends, I am trying not to lean on her. I feel like I need to cut off contact, to stem the pain, but I do not want her to feel I have abandoned her. I'm tearing in half. I know that her friends are supporting her, I still worry.
So, what to do? I share my pain here I think to let others know. This doesn't just effect the victims, this has collateral damage too. I still have hope, I have told her this isn't over, I still feel love for her as strongly as ever but I feel a deep hurt too. I am going to try and make it through this, to move along myself, but I am so worried about her. I just hope that he doesn't take too long to pop, and that when he does he doesn't hurt her or the kids. My reading tells me that she has no reinforced his behaviour by going back, that he will be more secure and likely to escalate. But I also recognize the power shift, and wonder how that will effect things. Will he wear her back down, tear her up? Or pop more quickly? He once told my ex that he wanted his "old XXXXX back like the way things were". I know he wants something back he cannot have...
Anyway, I've rambled enough. I've not spoken so much about her abuse. Rest assured it was there, quite a bit of it. He kicked his boys, he hurt one of the girls, enough there for me to be sure. He never hurt her, just the kids. Now she's hurt me. I'm pretty confused and torn up... I'd appreciate some advice, I cannot be the only one watching helpless while something liek this happens to a loved one.
