[tiredmom]

I am hesitent to tell my story because from all that I have read about concerning my daughters behavior, she is 29 yrs old with a child of her own, I am the reason she is the way she is.

Let me start with my beginning: I am an only child, adopted at the age of 3 wks by an neurotic self absorbed mother and an alcoholic passive/agressive father. They were unable to have their own children (God has His reasons) so they paid well and adopted me.

My birth mother's story, which I learned just a few years ago, was sad but enlightning at the same time. She had been committed several times into a mental hospital (I was born in 1958 when people were still being commited just for being argumentative). I am sure if my adopted mother had known this I would have never made it into her "Perfect World". While I was better off not being raised by my birth mother, she was the sane one by reliquishing me for adoption. She knew and accepted she was unfit to parent. My adoptive parents never did get it.

I was never able to bond with my overly critical, condesending, adopted mother but was "Daddy's Girl" from day one. Consequently I didn't "see" his problem with alcohol until I was into my teens. By then I just reacted, with no clue as to why.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and I moved in with my dad. At the time most people, my mother the most, believed I did this because my dad let me do whatever I wanted. I guess in a way this was true, but in truth, I didn't feel wanted, loved or bonded by anyone but him. Her idea of raising children was to critisize their every move. Where Dad seemed proud of my accomplishments and let me know it, when he was sober that is, she just nit picked them to pieces. "An A, great! Lets try for an A+ next time" or " That was ok, but..." Get the idea. I could never make her happy.

It was a lonely existence being an only child with no identity, better known as "adopted child syndrome". If you are not adopted you may not understand that but that is another story...

So, I made my own, so to speak. I got pregnant at 16, married the father, seperated 3 months later after he abandoned me in Houston and disappeared.

I moved back in with my dad who by then had revealed himself to me as the alcoholic that he always was. He had become very passive/agressive by this time. Letting me know everytime he was drunk, a daily event, that the only reason a guy would have me around was for what I had between my legs, as one of many nast hateful phrases.

I could never accept the fact that my dad would lie to me, so I went about to prove him right. By the time I was 18 I had 2 cihldren and was divorced 2 times.

I married and divorced my 3ed husband after 5 years of hell on earth where I was used as a human punching bag and finally hospitalized with life threatning injuries. He had battered my children as well, but in suttler ways, not noticable to even me. This I didn't learn about until years later and still feel the guilt from my blindness.

My life was pretty messed up but there were bright spots. My grandmother, dad's mom. She was my life line. I ran to her often, she patched my battered soul up as best she could so many times. I to this day feel that if she hadn't been there, I would have been dead, possibly by my own hand.

Her daughers, my dad's older and his younger sister, resented the attention she gave me on those occations and proceded to make my life hell from the day my first child was born. You see, they were childless, again "God has His reasons for these things" and I gave their mother what they never could, babies to love. They payed me for this transgression by doing there utmost to show how unfit I was to have this priviledge of motherhood.

Everyone seemed to dote on my daughter from the start. While my aunts clearly disliked the attention my grandmother spent on her and me they used it to further their plans. Every time my daughter was with my grandmother without me, they would quiz her about her home life with me. What was accuatly said to her I do not know, its open for conjecture, but the results were clear. If she said bad things, she got love and praise. So began my child's indoctrination.

Accusations of neglect and abuse were reported to CPS so many times only to be found unproven the caseworker and I became good friends. She would show up on my doorstep, doing her legally bound duty of investigations, make her report of "Abuse unfounded" , we would sit and visit for a bit and she would leave, only to return a week or so later after another annonomous report. This went on for several years.

My daugher in the mean time learned that she would get possitive attention if she told someone I was an aweful mom. After my 3ed divorce when she was 9 years old, she honed her skill to perfection. She got so bold as to let me know when she was going to do it. "If you don't buy me or take me or do for me I will call CPS and you will get it..." I look back at the timing and can see it as her pay back for my ex's abuse and my not being aware of it at the time. She seems to recall every bump and bruise she got from him but has no recollection of what I know she saw happening to me on a regular basis. IE: being picked up and thrown to the ground numerous time when I tried to leave the first time. Kicked and beaten for something as trivial as being late with dinner 2-3 times a month at one point after that.

As the years went by her attacks on me became physical as well. I tried everything I could to get help for her. Councelors, social workers, then later a probation officer as she started running away and "attempting suicide".

I admit I became rather cynical after her 3ed so called suicide attempt. She would claim to have taken some medication, usually mine or some illigal off the street dope. Only when the test reports came back after her stomach was pumped and blood was drawn, no drugs were ever found in her system. She had learned another way to make me give her what she wanted and show to the world what a horrible mother I was. She used it 4 times on me and a few times during some of her relationships after I refused to react anymore. She went on to find other ways to get me so to speak.

I could go on and with what this child has put me through some of which I even have a hard time believing and I lived through it. Sufice to say it only got worse.

So here I sit, she is 29 yrs old with a son of her own. In the past she has run off my friends, turned family members, other then the aunts that started it all, agaist me, ruined many an intimate relationship I had, tried to have me arrested, committed... The list goes on and on. She is willing to go to any length it seems.

I didn't meet or marry my present husband until 7 years ago when she was living out of state. She has tried to cause trouble with him but I found a keeper this time, he has figured her out and it drives her nuts. I feel for the first time vindicated. Someone finally has faith in me.

My oldest son, 2 years younger then her hasn't faired as well. He suffers from Bi-polar disorder, and is at present sitting in jail after having his probation revoked. I learned recently that my daughter had been abusing him as well. This caused him to go off his meds and become manic, he stopped attending to his probation obligations and was arrested again for it. I don't know what will become of that.

My youngest son, thank God, seems to have faired better. He is 11 years younger then her and I married my present husband while he was young enough to really make a positive influence on him. He graduated this summer and is such a wonderful guy. He is a great supportive person, proof to my wounded guiltridden soul, that not every person I love is injured by my presence.

Now that you have read my story let me hear what you see in it. Am I the horrible nast mother who has ruined her children as I feel may be true? Is it my fault my daughter and son have the problems they do? I know that I made mistakes but where they whole reason for this? I really need to know.

[Newt]

Hello Tired Mom. Welcome and I'm sorry you have to be here.

I don't have much time as I'm off to work but wanted to let you know that you came to the right place. Everyone here will know EXACTLY what you're going through and can lend support and encouragement to help you get through this.

Mom..you posted this in the 'This is My Story' section, which is absolutely fine....but just so you know, the section called 'The Catbox' is the busiest on the board and you will be responded to much more and much quicker there.

In the 'Catbox', watch for Chelli. She, too has issues with her Daughter so you have something in common with her.

Wish I had more time to respond to you right now.

Peace and welcome...you have found a lifeline here,
Newt

[tiredmom]

Newt, on Oct 9 2004, 11:14 AM, said:

Hello Tired Mom.  Welcome and I'm sorry you have to be here.

I don't have much time as I'm off to work but wanted to let you know that you came to the right place. Everyone here will know EXACTLY what you're going through and can lend support and encouragement to help you get through this.

Mom..you posted this in the 'This is My Story' section, which is absolutely fine....but just so you know, the section called 'The Catbox' is the busiest on the board and you will be responded to much more and much quicker there.

In the 'Catbox', watch for Chelli.  She, too has issues with her Daughter so you have something in common with her.

Wish I had more time to respond to you right now.

Peace and welcome...you have found a lifeline here,
Newt
<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks for the welcoming reply, I was kinda of scared I would be rebuffed as I get that alot when I tell people about my daughter and what we have all been through. I am alway the blame according to her and she is so convincing everyone believes her. While never offially diognosed with BPD she was diog. with Bipolar disorder as was my oldest son, he is 27, she 29. To say I may suffer from a severe infeority SP? complex would not be far from true as well. Try being told you are a losey mother by everyone in your family, some professionals and of course, your children for as long as you can remember. And when you see that my 2 oldest children are so screwed up they will never manage their own lives at least not for now at least.

My daughter lives in FL right now and is a professional boxer who does extreme fighting. It is a job she is well practiced. And as most professional fighters are she has the narcississic personality just like Mohamad Ali "I float like a butter fly and sting like a bee" and that carrys over times 10 in her personal life as well. Me being her primary target, at the moment as most of the time. I have been forced to cut off all contact with her for my on mental health reasons and the only thing I regret is that I cannot see my grandson anymore. I didn't see him much to begin with as I was always on her black list during Christmas and such but since he and I share the same birthday and I raised him for the first 31/2 years of his life it has become very painful.

Well I have to go, I need to go scream at the wind for a bit, it is either that or break down and cry some more.
Bye for now,
J

[Chelli]

[quote] What was accuatly said to her I do not know, its open for conjecture, but the results were clear. If she said bad things, she got love and praise. So began my child's indoctrination.  [/quote]

Your daughter was very young when she found a way to circumvent the person saying "No" and how to get what she wanted. This has worked for her for YEARS and she has no compulsion to stop doing it. Her pay off is she gets what she wants. She also has her own version of history: as many abusers do:

[quote]  She seems to recall every bump and bruise she got from him but has no recollection of what I know she saw happening to me on a regular basis. IE: being picked up and thrown to the ground numerous time when I tried to leave the first time. Kicked and beaten for something as trivial as being late with dinner 2-3 times a month at one point after that.  [/quote]

Let me point out several things here:

[quote] Accusations of neglect and abuse were reported to CPS so many times only to be found unproven the caseworker and I became good friends. She would show up on my doorstep, doing her legally bound duty of investigations, make her report of "Abuse unfounded" , we would sit and visit for a bit and she would leave, only to return a week or so later after another annonomous report. This went on for several years.  [/quote]

Trust me. If you were a "bad parent" CPS would have taken your daughter away from you.

[quote] As the years went by her attacks on me became physical as well. I tried everything I could to get help for her. Councelors, social workers, then later a probation officer as she started running away and "attempting suicide".  [/quote]

Your daughter was and is: "an attention junkie." This is NOT you fault. You did the things that you could do to get her help, have to learn from her actions and suffer the consequences (probation.) If you need to 'blame" anyone for her problems it's not YOU that the finger is pointing at: it's that alleged well meaning family that undermined you and taught her that the yucky behavior is the way to go. Girls began to rebel and reject their Mothers as pre-teens and as teens as they try to find their place in the world. She was taught by HER extended family AND the abusive men in YOUR life that YOU as a person had not value or worth. In order for her to see the truth, she would have to give up the things she wanted: control over your life, getting praise and attention from presumed well-meaning relatives, do some work with the therapists and the social workers and the probation officers tht would NOT allow her to manipulate them or you. That threw them in with the people that were like you (you dared to say "NO!") and therefore rendered anything they said as meaningless to her.

At around age 11, your daughter adopted the persona she would have the rest of her life UNLESS there was a significant emotional event (SEE) in here life that would cause her to question and change her moral values. This was set around two years after her she was really displaying her rotten behavior at age 9:

[quote] My daugher in the mean time learned that she would get possitive attention if she told someone I was an aweful mom. After my 3ed divorce when she was 9 years old, she honed her skill to perfection. She got so bold as to let me know when she was going to do it. "If you don't buy me or take me or do for me I will call CPS and you will get it..." [/quote]

You were not the PERFECT parent, no one ever is. I have seen other children do EXACTLY this same type of thing to the mothers and fathers: they got away with it. They learned to play one parent off the other because the parents forgot about the welfare of the kids and used them as pawns in their war with one another. Your daughter has been able to get to you through your guilt of NOT being the "perfect parent."

You were doing the best you could do and the CPS worker recognized that. Your daughter has chosen to hang onto her distorted version of the past because she has no responsibilty in this, it's all someone else's fault. And until she grows up and matures past that vindictive little nine year old that she still is right now, she will keep acting like a nine year old. You can not change her. You can not wave a magic wand and make it all better. For now, pitch the ball back to her, tell her to grow up and start taking responsibilty for her own actions and be done with her. For now. As a mother, you will NEVER give up on your child. You may say it, but you really never mean it.

However, you DO have a son that's in a SEE at this time, and also has something in common with you in that he has been abused by your daughter as well.

[quote]  My oldest son, 2 years younger then her hasn't faired as well. He suffers from Bi-polar disorder, and is at present sitting in jail after having his probation revoked. I learned recently that my daughter had been abusing him as well. This caused him to go off his meds and become manic, he stopped attending to his probation obligations and was arrested again for it. I don't know what will become of that.  [/quote]

He will need the loving Mom, the supportive Mom and his other family members to get through this. He will need the Mom that can tell him: here's what I am doing to get through her treatment of me. And he needs to hear, too , that HE is not responsible for what she is EITHER.

Welcome to that Catbox, sorry you have to be here, but it is a good place to finf nuturing, warm, caring support without judgement. This is a place where you can vent, rage and pour your heart out and we will help you through it, one baby step at a time. Read and Post, post, post.

Hang in there:

Chelli