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Let me start off by saying that I am and abuser. I know this and I want help. Excellent! Oh, but do you think maybe you could stop labeling yourself? Not helpful!
I am a 28 year old male and have been married to my 27 year old wife for 5 years. The first part of our marriage was bliss. Sure, we had our fights, and ups and downs, but we had a great time together. We were best friends and did everything together.
Starting in about year four though our relationship started to become very strained. We both had work commitments that separated us for weeks at a time. There were also life's pressures that started to build up, like buying and remodeling our house. We began to fight. At first when we argued I view it as a challenge, and would get into shooting matches that I tried to "win." She would eventually drop the issue and we would move on till something else came up to fight about. Learn from viewing this stuff as a challenge. Ask yourself if this strategy works in the long-run...
The fights continued to get worse and we both began looking for ways to hurt each other in our fights. Ouch! We would say very hurtful things to each other, just to make the other angry. Because life at home wasn't pleasant for either of us she began to avoid me. She would spend a lot of time with other men. With other men??? I would become jealous and tell her she couldn't hang out with these men any more. In a purrrfect world, she would not choose to hang with men unless they were family members, etc. In a purrrfect world, if your angry wife were hanging out with "other men," you would simply back away. Why in the world would you want to be with a woman who wants to hang out with other guys? Think about it…why indeed?
She of course didn't listen, which would only further enrage me. More of the little throw sand in the other person's game the both of you were playing. And you thinking you could control another person... Another good lesson. She would also avoid me in public situations, because I took a sick glee in belittling her in front of others. Eventually we recognized that our marriage was in trouble and went to counseling. At counseling I called her a whore and accused her of cheating on me. I berated her in front of the councilor for an hour, who did nothing. Counselor doesn't have the power to stop you... She vowed to never go to counseling with me again.
Neither of us were willing to call it quits yet though. We began discussing things like having an open marriage or a trial separation. I wasn't fond of either idea, but didn't know what else to do to save my marriage. It never got to that point though. After a really bad fight, I lost my mind. I am ashamed to say I hit her. Lost your mind is a good way to put it. Even after I did it I didn't feel bad. I felt justified that maybe I've finally hurt her the way she hurts me. Yes, you were too angry, and that's what out-of-control anger does. Notice that you raised the stakes by giving her control over your happiness. She moved out the next day. She is still living with her uncle.
Since she has been gone I've been in counseling to learn to love myself again. I've been in counseling now for 6 months, and have made a lot of progress. I now know that I treated her badly because I hated myself. I have told her I am sorry for everything and that I am improving myself, and want to make things work. Yay!
My wife has seemed to continue to deteriorate emotionally.
She still cries on an almost daily basis. She says she can never trust anyone ever again, and she'll never have a normal relationship. She refuses to go to counseling her self. She is demanding a divorce. There is nothing you can do about her thoughts and feelings. But you can accept that those are her thoughts and feelings, whether you like it or not. Take the time to feel your own pain, to learn from it, and to let it go. That you can do. I need your help to know what to do. My counselor refuses to give me advice, and insists I figure it out on my own. Of course. Ultimately you will have to figure it our for yourself, because only you can take responsibility for your, but I'm happy to give you some suggestions and to look at what your options are… I do not want a divorce, and know we can be happy together again. I would do anything to have her back in my life. I realize I can't make her come back, and I might have to accept that. Even if she did come back she needs to fix herself before we can work on us. What I can't accept is that she will never be happy again. I want for nothing more than her happiness. How can I help her move on if reconciliation is not an option? You can't. Even if reconciliation were an option, you couldn't help her. She can only help herself. She still is my best friend. We both love each other dearly (she says she still loves me).
Thank you, Moose
Dear Moose,
First of all, good for you for searching. Just keep going! And I really hope your wife chooses to help herself at some point too.
The situation is difficult. For what it's worth, you were not the only culprit. You both did this one. Not to blame the victim, but what business does a married lady have hanging out with other guys… I understand why her behavior was passive-aggressive; she just didn't know what else to do. She felt as trapped as you did. And, what business does a married guy have trying to dictate (control) what his wife should or should not do? You were both angry with each other, and rightfully so. The two of you ended up in a horrific retaliatory cycle until it got too carried away. The point is that you both contributed to this situation, but you took it one notch too far. And there is no blame here. You each did the best you could. And yes, things do happen for a reason: this is an opportunity for each of you to grow. I think each of you have lessons to learn.
But this is about you.
You said: "What I can't accept is that she will never be happy again." You can't fix her. You can't ease her pain. You can't assist her recovery. You can't make her happy. Only she can do that. And that holds whether she knows how to do that or not; it holds whether she's aware of that fact or not.
You can choose to accept that you can't make her happy. Or not. If you think you can make her happy, you miss the importance of interdependence (vs. codependence) in marriage.
Your marriage was codependent. Each individual was somehow expected to complete the other. You insisted that she do this and that. She bucked, fought back, and tried to get back at/ control you in her own way. She could have walked away earlier too. Codependency demands that the other person supply their partner with a sense of security, belonginess, love, whatever it is that is needed. Each person attempts to elicit behavior from the other that the individual thinks they need in order to feel whatever they want to feel. The codependent does not recognize that feeling loved, feeling happy, feeling whatever, is within the Self, and not outside.
If you could stand on your own emotional feet, you would understand that your wife had a Godgiven right to choose her path, and you had a right to accept this path - or not. If you could stand on your own emotional feet, you would not "need" her to behave like a wife, or love you, or cherish you, or anything you – because you would understand that her direction had to meet her needs, not yours. And if you could stand on your emotional feet and truly loved her, you would understand that she was the only one to dictate her direction. And you would encourage her to find it.
If you could have stood on your own emotional feet, and if your wife's direction was in synch with your direction or otherwise unsatisfactory, you would either simply let it be or you would begin to back away. She would then respond to where you are, and a direction is taken, whichever way it goes. You would do this, because, if you love her, you would want her to pursue that which is important to her, regardless of how her behavior affects you. Doing this does a few things. It gives the other person nothing to rebel against since you offer no resistance. It helps you further develop your emotional strength in dealing with what is. It gives the marriage a chance to grow or falter. Loving someone is about wanting then to go in the direction they choose, whether you like it or not, whether you are included or not. And, if you find you are not included, perhaps this is not the partnership for you. Perhaps you deserve a parnter whose objectives are closer to yours. This scenario sounds simple. It is not. There are so many zillions of decision points and emotional changes that occur in both partners during this process, it is impossible to predict where things will go. It is unlikely that control, emotional retribution, or violence will play any part.
If you love her, why would you want to change her? If you try to change her, do you accept her? If you do not accept her, do you love her?
You said: "What I can't accept is that she will never be happy again." Acceptance is not about liking, agreeing with, judging or doing anything about the notion that she may or may not ever be happy again. It is about recognizing that it is what it is, and no more. As an analogy, it is abouting accept the fact that you cannot walk through a wall. No matter how much you may want to walk through this wall as if it is phantom – simply because you cannot. Such are the laws of physics. You don't have to like that fact. You don't have to agree with that fact. You don't even have to accept the validity of that fact of physics. Of course you could blast the wall down or cut a hole, but that is not walking through it. Feel free in fact to walk through or blast through as many walls as you want. You will only hurt yourself in the process.
You said: "What I can't accept is that she will never be happy again." Acceptance is about understanding that there is nothing you can do about that which upsets you regarding another person. It is certainly understandable that her unhappiness saddens you and that you would do anything could to assist its transformation, but that's it. You can't do more. And if you try, you are only blasting through the wall. She is responsible for her own happiness – as you are for your own.
So, lets get back to your options:
You can accept that you are responsible for your thoughts, feelings, behavior, sleeping habits, favorite colors, and happiness. Or you can continue to make your wife, your mom, your boss, your kid, your therapist, me, or another person responsible for those parts of you in an ill-fated attempt to get them to meet your needs, even for a little while. (Because if you can manipulate another into meeting your needs, your satisfaction is short-lived and not real.)
You can take responsibility for understanding the difference between the angry feelings and angry behavior. Or you can continue refusing to accept what is and put yourself at risk of over reacting again.
You can accept that only she is responsible for her own happiness, her own mental health, her own choices, etc. etc. Or you can continue walking into that wall until you're bleeding. Because that's just the way it is. That is reality. Laws of nature.
You can even continue beating yourself up for all you've done and dwelling on it and making yourself miserable. You can continue to worry about how you can help her, instead of dealing with yourself, i.e., you can remain codependent.
These are some of the choices you can make. Or not.
I suggest you choose to take control of the only thing you have any control over: you! Isn't that what loving yourself is all about? Moose, I'll be back next week. Post all you want. I will reply to you. Readers, anything you want to say to Moose?
Sending you all loving wishes and hugs, Dr. Irene, Aug 14, 2008
Suggested Reading:
ACT on Life, Not on Anger by Eifert, McKay, Forsyth, and Forsyth.
Facing Codependence : What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
Wherever You Go, There You Are : Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn.
