a letter to someone special
Posted 26 February 2008 - 01:30 AM
You see the thing is, well I wanted to tell u a whole bunch of stuff but since I have no ability to exspress myself well U see I am scared all the time and I don't know how to say it. U are always telling me to please talk to u, that u want to be there, u want to help me, be there for me. You see I don't know how, I don't know how to consider my needs important enough to take up your time. I know u want me to.
You see , as u know I spent 8 years being tortured by someone who claimed to love me. He did not just hit me, he did not just rape me he tortured me. I mean that to the fullest extent possible. I hate him and want him to die. Most days though I just want to cry. I want to scream at him, I want to spend my days plauging him as he does me but worse. I want him to suffer more than I ever did. I want him get well soley so he can feel everything he did to me and curl up and die from the pain he caused me. So many days I want to stop pretending I am o at all curl up in your lap and cry and tell u what he did. but i can't, i because I should never have had to live through it and no one else should ever know that such evil exists. I can't because I know u will think I am strong, and I am not strong, i just survived, I am weak or atleast I need to be right now.
It wasn't just him, yeah I told u that my highschool bf wasn't any better, but I did not tell u how bad it got. I did not tell u about my first kiss how he was 5 or more years older than me and how after he kissed me he molested me. I did not tell u about the 32 yr old guy he came very close to stagtory rape with me, I have never told anybody how at the time it made me feel beautiful and mature but as i grew i felt dirty and gross from it.
You know my mom abused me, but u don't know how much. U know it was bad but u don't know how much of my life she devoured with her selfishness, and her "religion".
You see my whole life has been one giant abusive bubble.
I can't tell u how terrified I am of my illness. Fybromyalgia has devored so much of my life. No one knows. I don't tell anyone how much pain I'm in, but I hurt all the time, i'm 25 and exhausted , but I can't sleep. I have no memory, I say it's because of all the pot I smoked when I was a kid, I make a big funny joke about it, but it's "fibro fog", sometimes I make my joke about it because I actually forget that it's fibro fog. It's probably the real reason I am borderline dyslexic, the reason i forget how to spell simple words and how to write checks. I watch people i work with , my friends people my age and older that have so much more enegery than me. I'm so afraid of being treated like i'm sick. I am so sick of taking drugs, of being ill. You say u know one day I could be in a wheelchair, that u will still love me and always stand by me. I truely believe u, but I am not ready to accept that fate. I don't want this and i'm mad, yes I have known for more than 10 years I have this disorder, and I am still mad. I want to scream it's not fare. instead I try and pretend it doesn't exist. Yet again I am also convencied that no one cares even though I know they do, if that makes any sense?
I want your help with my illness, I know u want to give it, I see u gently reminding me to do things, to take my meds ect. but I am afraid to give u permisson to help me fully.
I think I need to see a therapist, but I am scared, scared they wil put my on antidepressants. scared that I will have to take more medicine, i have been on medcine my whole life, it is my time clock. I am sick of it. I am also terrified something is wrong with me, my family has a history of bipolar disorder and depresson. I am afraid to be on pills that will change meand my personality, but I also miss the antidepressants. so i'm pretty confused.
I am just scared, i want to open up but i am so scared that u will think i'm nuts. I know u wont but i can't help my fear. I tell u i am indesicive about everything, i'm not I have an opinon i just don't know how to speak it. I am so scared all of the time of everything.
I didn't know how to say any of this, so I worte it.
I love u and apprciate u more than words.
Posted 27 February 2008 - 08:59 AM
It's incredibly brave and I am proud just to have read it.
Posted 28 February 2008 - 03:17 AM
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