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a letter to someone special


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#1 fate380

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Posted 26 February 2008 - 01:30 AM

Where do I begin ? I have more confusion in my life than anything, except maybe fear ? Maybe thats normal? i wouldn't know, I wouldn't have a clue what normalicy is.
You see the thing is, well I wanted to tell u a whole bunch of stuff but since I have no ability to exspress myself well U see I am scared all the time and I don't know how to say it. U are always telling me to please talk to u, that u want to be there, u want to help me, be there for me. You see I don't know how, I don't know how to consider my needs important enough to take up your time. I know u want me to.

You see , as u know I spent 8 years being tortured by someone who claimed to love me. He did not just hit me, he did not just rape me he tortured me. I mean that to the fullest extent possible. I hate him and want him to die. Most days though I just want to cry. I want to scream at him, I want to spend my days plauging him as he does me but worse. I want him to suffer more than I ever did. I want him get well soley so he can feel everything he did to me and curl up and die from the pain he caused me. So many days I want to stop pretending I am o at all curl up in your lap and cry and tell u what he did. but i can't, i because I should never have had to live through it and no one else should ever know that such evil exists. I can't because I know u will think I am strong, and I am not strong, i just survived, I am weak or atleast I need to be right now.

It wasn't just him, yeah I told u that my highschool bf wasn't any better, but I did not tell u how bad it got. I did not tell u about my first kiss how he was 5 or more years older than me and how after he kissed me he molested me. I did not tell u about the 32 yr old guy he came very close to stagtory rape with me, I have never told anybody how at the time it made me feel beautiful and mature but as i grew i felt dirty and gross from it.

You know my mom abused me, but u don't know how much. U know it was bad but u don't know how much of my life she devoured with her selfishness, and her "religion".

You see my whole life has been one giant abusive bubble.

I can't tell u how terrified I am of my illness. Fybromyalgia has devored so much of my life. No one knows. I don't tell anyone how much pain I'm in, but I hurt all the time, i'm 25 and exhausted , but I can't sleep. I have no memory, I say it's because of all the pot I smoked when I was a kid, I make a big funny joke about it, but it's "fibro fog", sometimes I make my joke about it because I actually forget that it's fibro fog. It's probably the real reason I am borderline dyslexic, the reason i forget how to spell simple words and how to write checks. I watch people i work with , my friends people my age and older that have so much more enegery than me. I'm so afraid of being treated like i'm sick. I am so sick of taking drugs, of being ill. You say u know one day I could be in a wheelchair, that u will still love me and always stand by me. I truely believe u, but I am not ready to accept that fate. I don't want this and i'm mad, yes I have known for more than 10 years I have this disorder, and I am still mad. I want to scream it's not fare. instead I try and pretend it doesn't exist. Yet again I am also convencied that no one cares even though I know they do, if that makes any sense?
I want your help with my illness, I know u want to give it, I see u gently reminding me to do things, to take my meds ect. but I am afraid to give u permisson to help me fully.

I think I need to see a therapist, but I am scared, scared they wil put my on antidepressants. scared that I will have to take more medicine, i have been on medcine my whole life, it is my time clock. I am sick of it. I am also terrified something is wrong with me, my family has a history of bipolar disorder and depresson. I am afraid to be on pills that will change meand my personality, but I also miss the antidepressants. so i'm pretty confused.

I am just scared, i want to open up but i am so scared that u will think i'm nuts. I know u wont but i can't help my fear. I tell u i am indesicive about everything, i'm not I have an opinon i just don't know how to speak it. I am so scared all of the time of everything.

I didn't know how to say any of this, so I worte it.

I love u and apprciate u more than words.

#2 Jeff

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Posted 27 February 2008 - 08:59 AM

What a beautifully crafted honest heartfelt letter. I was moved to tears over your condition, the abuse you have suffered and your strength, yes strength. It takes amazing strength to tell someone the truth and to express your fears that the truth may drive them away....

It's incredibly brave and I am proud just to have read it.

#3 fate380

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Posted 28 February 2008 - 03:17 AM

wow , thank u for reading and your replies, I wasn't even really exspecting anyone to read this, I just needed a practice run, cause i need to tell all of this to that someone special but it's so scary i'm getting it out now though in little bits. thank you guys for your support, I really , honestly appreciate it.

fate




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