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From the other side of the fence


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#1 fyremn238

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Posted 07 February 2008 - 01:34 PM

I wanted to post this just mostly to get it off my chest and to admit my abuse.

I am currently seperated from my wife - two weeks today - we just had our 21st anniversary in December.

I never realized what I was doing to my wife, I know that sounds terribly lame, but I always thought I was a good husband. My wife had said to me that she felt I was verbally abusive, I just thought that it was phsycobabble and there was no way I was verbally abusive, heck I am a nice guy, I love her very much how could I be abusive. I would just lose my temper when we argued and I would joke around with her, she told me it hurt her feelings but I was just joking. I have never hit my wife or called her names, it was mostly just subtle little things and then the temper would go and that wasn't quite so subtle.

After we were seperated, I explained to my wife that I was reading about being a better husband and going to different websites trying to learn. She suggested that I look up some sites on Verbal Abuse. And I did.

I sat stunned for a long time as I read the signs of abuse. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I fell into so many of those characteristics. Quite honestly it made me sick to my stomach, what the heck was I doing to her, to the woman I loved.

The next morning I went to the house and asked her if we could talk. I told her what I had read.

I apologized to her for what I had done.

I don't want to make any excuses for my actions. What caused me to be like this, my upbrining, probably. But I still did what I did.

I come to this site and look at the posts, most are very difficult to read, because I see myself on the abuser side. And it breaks my heart more and more when I read them. I am seeking help for this, I have an appointment with a counselor next week. I try to read as much as I can about it.

I would guess there are some out there saying, oh yea your saying all the right things, but let's see what happens when the rubber hits the road. And there are probably some that would like to tell me what a jerk I am and that is certainly justified. As I said I just wanted to post this to get it off my chest and to admit what I have done.


Fyre

I know that I said I posted this to get it off my chest, but any replies or comments would be appreciated..

#2 debbien

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Posted 07 February 2008 - 04:02 PM

Good for you! The first step in fixing a problem is in admitting that there is one and taking responsibility for your part of it. I wish my H had said something like this to me. You'll have to regain your wife's trust. Good luck!

#3 ileft

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Posted 07 February 2008 - 04:07 PM

Well here you are. I have faith in this world that there are people who see bad behavior and can change it in themselves. In fact, I have had to forgive myself for bad choices and behavior and ask my children to forgive me. Feeling bad is the beginning, relearning how to relate healthy and kind is a long road. Don't expect it to happen over night, it won't.

Good luck,

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#4 peach_papoose

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Posted 07 February 2008 - 06:22 PM

Feeling bad is the beginning, relearning how to relate healthy and kind is a long road. Don't expect it to happen over night, it won't.


I want to reiterate that point.

Just as it takes a long time for us who were the victims to heal from the damage -- learning new ways to respond to things that trigger us, how to avoid being victimized, sometimes also just how to walk away from it -- it also takes a long time to create new patterns in the way we treat others, what fair expectations (if any) are, and the way we react (if at all) to words and actions of others.

Getting involved in groups focusing on anger management and effective communication is an excellent way to grow coz sometimes other people will say things that make you go, "Hey, woah, I can totally relate, same here... now what'd YOU do to get past that issue?" Even small communities will often offer such programs through local non-profit organizations like the Boys & Girls Clubs, YMCA/YWCA, etc.

I hope you'll stick with us and I look forward to reading your progress as you share more.

#5 fyremn238

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Posted 07 February 2008 - 06:44 PM

Thank you all for your input.

I realize completely that this a long road.

debbien - thank your for your support. Wife's trust will be a tough one to rebuild, I hope she will allow me to try.

Peach - our community is so small we have neither of those clubs that you spoke of, (like Mayberry with paved streets). But I will try to find some type of group to help, maybe something online.

ileft - I have some forgiveness to ask of my children. Our children are older and in college, I will do whatever is necessary to get them help, I can't let my daughter marry someone that would treat her the way I treated her Mom, and I can't let my son be like me.

#6 peach_papoose

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Posted 07 February 2008 - 07:13 PM

I can't let my daughter marry someone that would treat her the way I treated her Mom, and I can't let my son be like me.


Dude, that is beautiful. If only so many more dads in your shoes could own up like that and try to do something about it.

#7 ileft

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 11:56 AM

I almost said I am glad you are here, but really I am not glad for the reason, but glad you are here because you see the need. There is alot of support here, and accountabilty if needed.

#8 fyremn238

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 01:03 PM

Thank you, I pretty much wish I wasn't, or didn't have to be here either.

I am going to be helping my son move into an apartment this weekend, so I plan on having a long sit down discussion with him. I am nervous about it, but I also know that the time is now. I will most likely sit and talk with my daughter this weekend also, as they both live in the same town.

#9 tenderheart

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 01:25 PM

When I see an abuser on here seeking help for themselves...I am hopeful for them. It will take a LOT of work on your part.

Always look at YOU...at YOUR HEART...continuously work on YOU, fyreman...

I will pray for you when I think of you...and for your wife.

God bless.
Tenderheart

#10 fyremn238

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 06:00 PM

Thank you Tenderheart, I appreciate your prayers for my wife and for me.




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