New to forum -- abused Christian husband

Are there any Christian men who are abused by their wives? I am right now in an abusive marriage and my wife is the abuser. It has been a 23-year pattern of verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse. I just talked to my mother-in-law, with whom I have a really good relationship, and I have been told her what has been going on. She told me that when she was a mother, she was a "rageaholic" with her daughter (my wife), and now this "rageaholism" is being visited on me. My wife claims to be a born-again believer, but she has done nothing about the abuse. I am about to enter counseling, but my wife refuses to consider counseling. My mother-in-law will be coming to our house sometime next month, and my wife, her, and I plan to get together to talk about the situation. I have already considered separation and divorce, and I plan to once again present her with the choice of counseling or divorce.

First of all, I would appreciate prayer about the situation. Second, if anybody has support and Biblical counsel or suggestions, please provide them to me. I know that probably in most situations, it is the husband who abuses the wife, but there are situations, even Christian marriages where the wife abuses the husband? Also, I know that ultimately God is the ultimate Judge of her heart, but should I start considering my wife an "unbeliever," since I have told her time and time again to stop the angry outbursts (raising my voice in irritation at my peccadillos, controlling behavior, name-calling, impatience when I forget to do something that she asks me to do, twisting around things that I do and say, dirty looks, shutting me up when I am in conversation with others, judging my motives, use of profanity, etc.), but she hasn't stopped. It is obvious that verbal abuse is totally against Scripture, but that has not deterred her from her unexpected anger outbursts.

abusedhubbie, on Jun 21 2007, 03:35 PM, said:

Great timing-- I just found this place too, and looking for what you are looking for.

Very appropriate, (and, ironically, it was a quote my ex-wife shared with me one day when she was in a tamer and more contrite mood than what had become the norm) is this:

Proverbs 21:9 : "It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house with a contentious woman." (see verse 19 of that same chapter, also)!

Yeah, I lasted 16 years, and am not sure I survived, but I am out. The kids are not. I just shared a lot of my story on another site in three largish posts over the past two or three weeks and was directed here and to other sites by George Rolph (Google his name, for some good Internet sites about people like us). Sharing my own story in that kind of detail requires my emotionally reliving the trauma, and right now I am emotionally exhausted; so I need a few days, at least. Heck, I spend most of every day shutting off memories and grief so that I may function. I understand that it helps to read that you are not alone. You are not.

Go read the "red flags" page on this web site. The victim's page is the whole list of such resources that can be helpful in finding out: "Wow! I am not the first to step onto this alien world!"

I am about to go look at the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) page listed on the last link I gave you as I have long suspected that it is my ex-wife's most likely primary diagnosis-- she meets all of the clinical criteria save the one about cutting herself (that is, as listed in the current DSM-- Diagnostic Statistical Manual, I believe is the meaning of the acronym-- something I have used in my former profession from time to time).

"Rageaholic" and "won't go to counseling" from your post, as a matter of fact, is what reminded me to look at that page that I saw there last night. I will add something I have not seen in the DSM about personality disorders but have recognized by accreting knowledge from many sources: Borderline Personality Disorder can become a "nice name" for an abuser. Many traits of the disorder also fit typical abuse patterns, so I am somewhat skeptical of a diagnosis other than, "abuser", albeit, a rational explanation for irrational behavior might be helpful to you-- even if it does not provide a solution.

The first book I read when I got out of the marriage was "Stop Walking on Egg Shells." It was recommended to me three times in one month by friends who seemed to have suspected BPD in the case of my wife and were waiting for me to leave before trying to help. That was four years ago. Now, I suspect that the stuff about how spouses of persons with BPD (some call them ,"Non's") come to react to the world as a result of long exposure really fits anyone exposed to any long term abuse.

Good luck to all who post here, and I hope we can inspire and encourage one another-- I could really use some of that, myself.

One more thing from your post. I was told, again and again, to keep trying marriage counseling. I agree with the advice you have already received, it is not likely to work with an abuser. The abuser, as part of the MO, puts on a different face in public. There is no contrition, ever, so the pshrink exhausts a lot of your energy believing it to be a communication failure (an assumption almost universal when the man is the abuse victim). I worked hard at every exercise, and what it proved to me and to my ex-wife was that she grew more violent. I suspect this is because in the communication exercises, she balked when it came to delving deep in herself, and that always triggered her to violence. The pattern became clear and her willingness to participate was zero. My willingness to do anything to have her delve deep was soon at zero as well-- physical pain can motivate you against your better judgment!

So the short of it is: Get help for yourself. Get a therapist who will be on your side, because as a man, you haven't a chance of being believed in couples therapy, in court, by friends, by family, by co-workers, or by anyone else you may count on for support-- no chance at all if she ever gets in her mind to blame her violence on you. That supportive therapist I recommend you find, will soon tell you to get out. I'll tell you that now. I didn't listen. Don't become me.