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#1 zoeygirl

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Posted 12 December 2006 - 06:47 PM

Hi everyone,

I'm a Christian, been one my whole life, and I've been in an VA/EA marriage for 11 years (I put the whole story on the "My Story" board). My husband has been on the rampage for about 5 weeks now and I'm feeling like I've had enough . . . enough that I told him last night that I want a separation. I've hinted at it before, we even did an "in house" separation of 4 months before, but I've never said, "I'm moving out" until last night. Before I said that last night, he had gotten so angry at D11 while hanging Christmas lights that he shoved her arm while trying to show her where he wanted her to put the lights. I wasn't there, but my daughter ran into the house with tears in her eyes and a terrified look on her face and started bawling. I didn't know what to do but hold her and tell her that was not okay for her dad to do that to her. He's never done anything like that before. Well, to her anyway. He's been mildly PA to me a couple of times over the years, like blocking me when I'm trying to walk away from him or sticking his finger in my chest while he's yelling at me. Truthfully, I'm more scared of the VA/EA. When we discussed it later he blamed his anger on the fact that no one in the family was helping him with the holiday decorations--at least not helping him with the proper attitude. He did apologize to her later, but that doesn't make it okay.

Who am I kidding? I don't know if I can actually leave, actually do that to my 3 kids. Of course, now that I told him I want to leave, he's become the perfect husband. I certainly don't want to do it at Christmas time, or even in the middle of the school year. I told him that I wanted to move right after Christmas, but again, I would hate for the kids to always remember that mom left dad right after Christmas. But I've been fantasizing about leaving him for years now, and I've realized that leaving one's abusive husband just isn't going to agree with anyone's schedule. I don't know what to do.

When I told him last night that I was serious about separating, it felt like a load had come off of my
shoulders. I felt a strange peace. Even he said he felt a strange peace about it. And then this morning he informed me that I would not be leaving for another six months (when school gets out). Like he's the one making this decision! He's so controlling. I don't know what to do, I don't know what's right, I just know that sticking around is going to mean him trying to be supersweet to try to win back my affections, which he has done countless times in the past. And I'll probably fall for it.

I wish God would tell me what to do. I feel no guidance from Him right now.

Zoeygirl

#2 GuestCat_gomanngo_*

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Posted 12 December 2006 - 09:51 PM

I wish God would tell me what to do. I feel no guidance from Him right now.



Abusers can cause so much 'noise' in our spirit/soul/heads/heart that it can easily drown out that still, small voice of the Lord.

Read here lots, post often and you will find your way. There are some wonderful sisters in Christ here.

#3 Newlife

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Posted 13 December 2006 - 09:45 AM

Zoey,

I am so glad you posted. As I read your story it sounds so familar to me it is scary. I too was raised in a Christian home with a loving family parents married forever, Grandparents christian married forever. I married at a very young age because that was what I wanted. 21 years later I finally figuered out(counseling) that he is a narcisist. The story's you shared regaring his "rages" are sooooo familiar.

Let me just encourage you when you make the decision to leave you will know it is the right time. You have to be comfortable with that for yourself and the children. I finall told my h I wanted a divorce on july 9th. He promplty filed the seperation papers 2 days later. I told him I would be out by aug 31(the longest 2 months of my life). But the Lord provided a place for me to move into on sep 1st. I am so happy living on my own, my d18 lives with me and our s16 shares his time between places. I wish I could give you a picture of the peace I feel in my home now, I pray you will find that too.

Stay close to those people who truly love you and care for you as they are your lifeline. Seek out chirstian women to encourage you, go to your pastor and tell them. They are the Shepards responsible for the flock and should be praying for you and helping you during this time.

Don't wait to file papers if you feel it is truly the end. I waited to long and now I am going to court in feb because h made many promises to pay support and continues to make excuses . Get a lawyer from the begining it will be money well spent.

Stay close to our Lord and Savior, he will give your comfort beyond measure.

newlife :spudnikheadstand:

#4 pomo

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Posted 14 December 2006 - 12:12 AM

Welcome Zoey,

I agree with Newlife. You will know when it is right to leave. And I completely get that leaving during the holidays is really tough. Do talk to a lawyer, and do find a good support network. If you haven't confided in friends or family about what is going on, do so now and figure out who is going to really support you. You will need these people while you are going thru the process.

Also, I would very much encourage you to find a therapist who really understands VA/EA, even if that person is not a christian. After years and years of trying different christian counselors, I ended up going to a non-christian who was highly recommended and who ended up being the biggest gift God has given me in the past few years. She helped me like no other counselor has.

Also, a word of caution. Your H is starting to get PA with your daughter and you said that things have been pretty bad for a while. He may "play nice" for a while now, but if his behavior is escalating, you need to think about what that means for you and the kids. My XH's behavior escalated after I told him I wanted to separate. And each time I took another step away from him, he got worse. He never hit me, but he got scarier and scarier and his mind games got more and more cruel. At one point, I was concerned that he would "snap" and kill either me or him. And he had never hit me. So do be careful.

And listen to your gut, God gave you that gut feeling to let you know when you are in trouble, even if your H has messed with your head and you aren't sure what to think or you aren't sure what God thinks, listen to the gut feeling HE gave you to warn you that something is wrong!!!!

Keep us posted about how things are going. There is always someone here to be with you!

#5 zoeygirl

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Posted 15 December 2006 - 12:46 PM

Thanks gals.

gomanngo--I totally relate to what you say about "noise". Living with him is like when you're in a restaurant that is playing music really loud and you are trying to talk to the person next to you. It's difficult to think or follow the conversation. You shout, but you are not sure you are being heard. You try to listen, but you can't hear everything. So you get frustrated.

As for knowing when it is time to leave, I feel that it is time, but I just can't bear the thought of my kids living between two homes. I know that I would be doing better, but I don't know about them. My mom always sacrificed her wants and needs at the "altar" of her kids' lives, so that's what I tend to do. In spite of the incident that I told you about with D11, my husband is a much better father to them than a husband to me. I don't understand. Why would God want my kids to go through that pain?

It's so confusing right now--trying to have a good Christmas for the kids yet knowing that I told him I want a separation.

#6 pomo

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Posted 15 December 2006 - 08:47 PM

As for knowing when it is time to leave, I feel that it is time, but I just can't bear the thought of my kids living between two homes. I know that I would be doing better, but I don't know about them. My mom always sacrificed her wants and needs at the "altar" of her kids' lives, so that's what I tend to do. In spite of the incident that I told you about with D11, my husband is a much better father to them than a husband to me. I don't understand. Why would God want my kids to go through that pain?

It's so confusing right now--trying to have a good Christmas for the kids yet knowing that I told him I want a separation.


Zoey, it is so hard to make that choice and I completely get not wanting the kids to go between two homes. And I did sacrifice for years for the sake of my kids. But eventually I just couldn't do it anymore. And leaving was the best thing in the world. The kids go back and forth and that is an adjustment for them. However, I know that at least half the time they are living in a completely narcissistic free zone. Their needs come first, they get decent meals and the tension and frustration and anger and walking on eggshells is gone. So, it has it's drawbacks, but in the end, they get to see a home that is much more emotionally healthy at least half the time, whereas before, they never saw an emotionally healthy home.......

BTW, I'm not saying you should do what I did, but just sharing my thought process.

Hang in there for the holidays, take time to think things through.

Hugs




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