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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Boy Friend Disaster

Boy Friend Disaster

From: Kerry
Sent: Saturday, June 26, 1999 6:17 PM
Subject: BOY FRIEND DISASTER

Dear Dr. Irene,

Thank you for such an inspiring web page.

I too, have been in an abusive relationship. I fell in love deeply with a man. All was well, he was everything a girl could wish for. Within 3 months, he was calling, saying he would be there in a few minutes, and never showed up. Turns out he was seeing his ex-girlfriend and doing crack-cocaine.  Within 3 months you needed to EXIT.

We planned a week's vacation. Guess what, He took her instead. (She has a child which he feels personally responsible for). He said it was all about the child, I forgave him. Why? Even if it was about the child, look what he did to YOU!

Life with him has been a virtual roller coaster. He keeps messing up, I walk away, He demonstrates reform (as long as a 6 month period). I think he's finally "got a grip". I let him back in. He messes up again. Why do you keep going back? 

In the past , he has orally, emotionally, spiritually and physically abused me. I always walk away for a lengthy period of time, he demonstrates his wish to be a better person and SLAM, it's back to the old grind. That is the pattern.

The syndrome has started again, he has snapped. He's calling me every hour with verbal abuse..".he's gonna burn my house down"...."it's time for him to have some fun, let the games begin"..." he's gonna start harassing my parents at 1:00 PM "( calls every half hour to let me know it's almost 1) He is getting totally worse. Over time, it will get progressively worse and worse.

I have finally got it thru my head that he is a sick individual and I cannot help him Yes. (which I thought I was doing No. You need to help yourself.). I do fear for my safety, I  have brought the police into the situation before. It just seems to make things worse. His parents bail him out and he gets more difficult. Things only get more difficult if you allow him back into your life.

I am thinking about leaving the state (that I love) to get rid of him. I think you need to change your state of mind as opposed to your state of residence!  It just seems that there should be a better way....    -Kerry

July 18, 1999

Dear Kerry,

There is a better way. Stop it. Just stop it. Things would not be worse if you stop letting him back in. You participate actively in your abuse by taking him back. He would not be in your life if you refused to talk to him and put the phone down every time you heard his voice. He would not be in your life if you got an order of protection and called the cops every time he came around.

Why do you feel you must leave the State? Why do you lack the self-control to say "No" to him? Are you feeling so empty and depressed that you allow him to talk himself back into your life - so you can feel better for the moment?

Kerry, you script your life. Use your head. Is this what you want? Unless you change your behavior, it is exactly what you are going to get.

My advice: Take all your energy and help yourself. Figure out what your problem is and fix it. If you are depressed, seek help. If you hate your life, change it. While all of these challenges may seem overwhelming, the same issues will stare you in the face for the rest of your life if you don't deal with them. Promise. So get moving! Stop using him as your excuse to not pull your own life together. 

Good luck,  -Dr. Irene