Sent: Saturday, June 26, 1999 6:17
Subject: BOY FRIEND DISASTER
Dear Dr. Irene,
Thank you for such an inspiring web page.
I too, have been in an abusive
relationship. I fell in love deeply with a man. All was well, he was
everything a girl could wish for. Within 3 months, he was calling, saying
he would be there in a few minutes, and never showed up. Turns out he was
seeing his ex-girlfriend and doing crack-cocaine. Within 3 months you needed to EXIT.
We planned a week's vacation. Guess
what, He took her instead. (She has a child which he feels personally
responsible for). He said it was all about the child, I forgave him. Why? Even if it was about the child, look what he did to
Life with him has been a virtual
roller coaster. He keeps messing up, I walk away, He demonstrates reform
(as long as a 6 month period). I think he's finally "got a
grip". I let him back in. He messes up again. Why
do you keep going back?
In the past , he has orally,
emotionally, spiritually and physically abused me. I always walk away for
a lengthy period of time, he demonstrates his wish to be a better person
and SLAM, it's back to the old grind. That is the
The syndrome has started again, he
has snapped. He's calling me every hour with verbal abuse..".he's
gonna burn my house down"...."it's time for him to have some
fun, let the games begin"..." he's gonna start harassing my
parents at 1:00 PM "( calls every half hour to let me know it's
almost 1) He is getting totally worse. Over time, it
will get progressively worse and worse.
I have finally got it thru my head
that he is a sick individual and I cannot help him Yes.
(which I thought I was doing No. You need to
help yourself.). I do fear for my safety, I have brought the
police into the situation before. It just seems to make things worse. His
parents bail him out and he gets more difficult. Things
only get more difficult if you allow him back into your life.
I am thinking about leaving the
state (that I love) to get rid of him. I think
you need to change your state of mind as opposed to your state of
residence! It just seems that there should be a better
July 18, 1999
There is a better
way. Stop it. Just stop it. Things would not be worse if you stop
letting him back in. You participate actively in your abuse by taking him
back. He would not be in your life if you refused to talk to him and
put the phone down every time you heard his voice. He would not be in your
life if you got an order of protection and called the cops every time he
Why do you feel you
must leave the State? Why do you lack the self-control to say
"No" to him? Are you feeling so empty and depressed that you
allow him to talk himself back into your life - so you can feel better for
Kerry, you script
your life. Use your head. Is this what you want? Unless you change your
behavior, it is exactly what you are going to get.
My advice: Take all
your energy and help yourself. Figure out what your problem is and fix it.
If you are depressed, seek help. If you hate your life, change it. While
all of these challenges may seem overwhelming, the same issues
will stare you in the face for the rest of your life if you don't deal with them. Promise. So get moving! Stop using him as your excuse to
not pull your own life together.
luck, -Dr. Irene