We are finally getting that ordinary couple's therapy is
inappropriate in abuse cases.
Having pointed out that "ordinary" couple's
therapy typically blames the victim (e.g., Evan's Verbally Abusive Relationship), some savvy victims who
are in the process of restoring the balance of power in their
relationship, adamantly refuse to doubt their own perceptions ever
again. Never again! And the heck with you if you tell them otherwise.
However, these recovering individuals may be making a
serious mistake. Following in the footsteps of their abuser, they
have become the perfect ones - who never make a mistake! Ooops!
Some Blame the Victim
The blame the victim issue is a source of
confusion that comes up over and over again on this site. The latest
example is on the comments board
of Female with Control Issues.
this is frustrating. When someone has problems and they need help and
their therapist puts responsibility on the other partner, I feel that
this enables the abuser/controller to BLAME their partner more and take
less responsibility for THEIR actions. I'm not saying that we
co-dependents don't have issues or problems, but I don' feel that the
abuser/controller should have constant reminders that they are not
totally responsible. Often, this is what they need more of. This
entitles them to do more of what they know how to do so well - BLAME
clarify. I have difficulty with this and this is what continues to
frustrate me several months after the relationship has been over. Has
his therapist been telling him that I had issues too so he didn't have
to work as hard? When he acted out and threw things around and cursed
me horribly and hung up and did other nasty things to me when all I did
was try to talk to him and I was doing all the work in reading about
relationship issues, the last thing he said to me was "WE need help" or
"WE'RE going to kill one another". Again, because he was told that two
play a part, I was also supposed to play a part in fixing his damage.
PLEASE HELP to clarify some of this. Thanks."
My reply to LHW was:
"I'm glad you brought
this up. In "ordinary" couple's therapy, where there is little
awareness of how slippery the abuser can be, the victim often looks bad to the
therapist. For example, the victim might be asked to keep the house cleaner if
that is one of the abuser's impossible demands. The abuser's impossible demands
are argued so well (especially given the beaten-down victim's insecurity,
depression, emotional reactivity, and inability to effectively counter argue),
the demands appear plausible to the unwitting therapist! That is what
"blame the victim" stuff is.
My position does not blame the victim. I ask the abuser to
behave appropriately - but I ask the victim to behave appropriately as well: The
abuser has to stop the games and manipulation, as well as master the skills
necessary to the appropriate expression of anger. The victim has to
recognize and call the abuse, as well as master the skills necessary to the
appropriate expression of anger. The victim is not "blamed!"
Very occasionally a victim who has suffered years of
abuse and has finally identified the problem, is so rageful, they will refuse
to take responsibility for themselves. Any directive to behave
appropriately is read as "blaming the victim."
However, if the victim does not learn appropriate
expression, the victim - in their rightful rage - can behave abusively;
as a result, the victim's integrity will suffer. In addition, the victim's abuse
gives the abuser an "excuse" to continue abuse. How can the pot get
away with calling the kettle black? The power may be more balanced
(sometimes the balance of power will shift!), but the games continue...
Also note that in the typical relationship where the
victim allows the abuse to continue hoping that in time the abuser will realize
they are loved, etc. - the victim is trying to control the abuser - and is
violating the abuser's boundaries! The abuser plays the same control and
violation games, albeit in a different form. I believe that control and boundary
violation are not OK in any form.
I fail to see how the victim is blamed by asking each
individual to clean up their respective acts and to take responsibility for
themselves. I think there is a serious flaw in asking the abuser to get a
handle, while implying that it is OK for the victim to misbehave."
LHW then posted (with
my remarks interspersed):
abusive/controlling people never take the RESPONSIBILITY for their
behavior that you have! Many of them are looking for a scapegoat, a way
out, someone to blame. Correct. That is exactly what
abusive people do! The victim's error is in their willingness to
It gets frustrating for the victim (and this is where we need work) as
we tend to accept that blame for ourselves and really think that WE are
the problem! You got it! So when a
therapist tells a controller/abuser that "your partner has problems
too", this is music to their ears! (Again, not talking for all cases
but mine and many others). I understand that a therapist's goal is not
to inflict blame on their client's partner, but by stating that "your
partner has problems too" is TAKING blame away from the client, and I
feel that this can be harmful as many of these people NEED TO TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY! That is exactly what frustrates co-dependents!. We tend
to be overly responsible/our partners tend to be under-responsible.
That was the difficulty I had in understanding Dr. Irene's
I have big concerns with personality types whose main issues are to
avoid responsibility, and a when a therapist throws some of that on to
the partner, it is a downward spiral for us. The main reason you get into trouble in
"ordinary" counseling is because the therapist is not aware of the
distorted balance of power. The therapist assumes each individual is equally
really doesn't help us at all as victims. What you are doing is
healthy. Recognizing problems is good, then you can help yourself.
Blaming others and living in denial about who you are is a dead-end
street. Being told that your partner has problems gets you "off the
hook". I wish my ex-boyfriend's therapist didn't keep telling him I had
problems (what kind of problems did she mean: that I was co-dependent,
that I tolerated him)? Isn't part of therapy to help difficult people
become more tolerable?...this enabled him to continue behaving the way
he did and he justified it, as he threw this back at me several times
in the midst of his name calling rages (my therapist said this, my
therapist said that). He was either mis-using your therapist's words (probable)
or the therapist didn't get it. Meanwhile,
I kept bending over backwards more and more thinking I WAS the crazy
person (since after all, he had a professional involved), trying to
figure it all out, thinking maybe I was causing his problems, like he
said. Nobody ever, ever, ever, EVER causes another person's
problems! Nobody has that much power. If you are in fact "causing"
someone's problems, that is because your partner is allowing you to
"cause" them! This is why even though Jennie is the perpetrator as per
her description of events, her boyfriend is responsible for any woes he
allows her to cause him. Get it?
knew it was time for me to seek therapy to help sort this out on my own
and deal with my issues. I found in that process that if you are truly
frightened that someone is going to strike at you because they start
banging things around due to a simple, calm comment you made in an
effort to communicate with them, it is ABUSE. It was horribly
frustrating. Everything I tried to discuss with him, he threw back on
me (projection). And, with projection, the therapist initially doesn't know
who to believe! If I said I felt like I was walking on eggshells, HE was, etc.!
Later, S wrote:
You are not alone in your frustrations. Thanks for voicing them. And
thanks to Dr. Irene for explaining; it is helpful. Above, Dr. Irene
said: "In a relationship where the victim allows the abuse to continue
hoping that in time the abuser will realize they are loved, etc., the
victim is trying to control the abuser - as well as violating the
abuser's boundaries. The abuser plays the same control and violation
games, albeit in a different form. "
From where I am now, I can understand the part about " the victim is
trying to control the abuser" - trying being a key word. Also obviously
the victim does not think in those terms. However, I do not understand
how a victim in such a situation is violating an abuser's boundaries. I
hope that Dr. I will offer further explanation. Thanks
"Sure S. Typically the boundary
violation occurs by the abuser against the victim. However,
victim-perpetrated boundary violations occur when the fed-up victim,
guarding against "blame the victim" adamantly defends an
(incorrect) perception. This angry victim refuses to look inside, because
now everything is the abuser's fault, and they will never doubt
their perceptions again, EVER!
Look at it this way: the victim has
spent years doubting their perceptions. When this imperfect individual
makes an ordinary perceptual error, they fall into thinking they
are being blamed - when they are in fact being asked to clean up their
Advanced Victim Recovery Issues
In other words, the recovering victim who is just
learning to trust themselves after years of self-doubt, has a wound that
hasn't yet healed: an expected over sensitivity to any suggestion that
their perceptions may be out of line!
Everything the abuser does is suspect: The abuser
is fooling the therapist; the abuser is just being slick again, etc. These
are not unfounded suspicions, for these have been the facts of the
life for years!
However, in the course of therapy there are times when
it is clear to me that the recovering abuser in not "doing it
again." Even if the abuser were "doing it again," a victim
response of blame and shut-down falls far short of the personal
responsibility goal I hope we are all aiming for!
A former victim who takes personal responsibility and
who has mastered assertion skills would not waste their time and energy
getting upset that the abuser may be "doing it again." Nor would
they waste time and energy fretting over the correctness of their
perceptions ("reality"). An individual who takes personal responsibility trusts
themselves, but also knows they are not infallible. All this is taken in
stride, for none of it seems terribly important anymore.
So, how can the shell-shocked recovering victim be expected to trust
themselves if they are just learning to trust themselves? Well, of course,
they can't! They just need to keep in mind that they need to get a bit further into the process of their
There is no blame in the natural errors we make along the road
to personal responsibility. It is simply reality: we make
"errors" in the trial and error process of learning new skills.
When I point out to a victim that they are making this
type of error, I associate no blame with their action. When I ask a victim
to clean up their act, I am not making the abuser "right" and
them "wrong," though I am aware that my students are
likely to perceive it this way. I am asking the victim to fix more broken
pieces in themselves simply because they owe it to themselves to do so.
They will feel better and better and surer and surer about themselves as
they do so.
There is a huge difference between taking the blame and
taking responsibility. However, the victim, coming from a position
of being blamed, often inserts blame into my challenge to them -
and sometimes gets mad at me because they assume I am blaming them! (Sound
familiar? Like your favorite abuser perhaps?). Part of recovery is
about learning to stop assuming blame, especially the blame the
victim brings to the table!
Advanced Recovery is about trusting
yourself enough to know that there are times your perceptions may be wrong
- and that all of this is OK.
I want to read the