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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Big, Burly Guy Victim

Big, Burly Guy Victim

Dr. Irene,
 
I have just spent this afternoon in total epiphany on your site, culminating with the reading of :

From: Robert

Sent: Saturday, July 31, 1999 11:09 PM

Subject: do the abusers ever apologize?

 

Robert is apparently smarter than I, as I waited through years of hell until my wife left me. The rest of the story is eerily familiar. Until this day, I did not recognize that I was abused. I instead spent my time trying to live up to impossible standards, meet impossible demands, being responsible for her emotions, the while being told ad infinitum that I was abusive to her because I didn't do... whatever it was that day.

I have been a salesman and manager for 20 years, I have been in over 15,000 homes, and been rejected more often than not (the nature of the business), I have owned several businesses of my own, and started up more for others, I have been a bouncer and a bodyguard in the past, I weigh 270 pounds, have broken a total of 13 bones in different sports and activities, hold high belts in 2 forms of martial arts, am an expert marksman, and once lifted the back end of a car off the ground.

I never thought of myself as "abusable".  I came to realize that I chose the path to toughness and strength because of my experiences at the hands of an abusive stepfather, vowing no one would ever treat me like that again... yet I have been hurt so deeply and so completely for so long.

I have no idea (yet) how I missed the pain, and that I was abused. I am grateful for the chance finding of your website (while searching for a legal or psychological definition of abuse, to "prove" yet again that I had not been so), and wished to tell you, and your contributors, how incredibly much this new awareness means to me and my future. THANK YOU!

 

Dear Sid, You missed the pain cuz you are a guy and guys get special training in shut-down. Thank you for writing. Your big, burly brothers out there need some validation - that abuse can happen to them too...

Keep up the excellent progress. My very best wishes, Dr. Irene