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12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

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4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

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Doc@DrIrene.com

Love is Not Arrogant

Love is Not Arrogant...

July 27, 2001 

Hi there, my name is Jenny and I am a 20 year old female living in the Midwest. About 6 months ago I realized I had a problem:   Four and a half years ago I had a a problem with depression, often contemplating suicide and spending days on end in my room.  In short, I was a wreck after my first "true love" of 6 months dumped me for another girl because I wouldn't have sex with him.  After I got over the depression - I finally came out of my cave and "hung out" with the crowd again, I was Miss Social Butterfly.  I have always grown up around guys - never were there many girls around, so the tomboy in me made me made me a great friend with all the guys, and "competition" to the females.  Though I don't know why, considering I was the most adamantly unavailable female.  I didn't even entertain the idea of having a romantic relationship for at least 2 years.

Then I met Craig.  And life was good! 

The first 6 months we knew each other, we were like best friends, but crazy about one-another.  Our first kiss was like wildfire.   AT 6 months of friendship, I finally got the guts to ask him out.  HE SAID YES!!!!   Life was perfect for a year and a half.

At the two and a half year mark, I noticed changes in our relationship.  I am mean.  I have the most loving guy in the world, and I am downright cruel.  I never notice till after I say something that I might have hurt his feelings, even though at the time what I said felt justified.  I snap so easily now; he said so himself. He feels like he's walking on eggshells every day, trying not to make me upset.

Just the other day I finally made up my mind that he shouldn't have to deal with that.  I need help - and until I can treat him with love and respect, like I always used to, he should have the chance to find the perfect person to be with - because I don't deserve such a great guy.  Jenny, if you're going to break up with the guy, I wish you'd do it for yourself. Break up with him because you hate the way you feel about yourself when you act yukky and don't know how to stop. Don't break up with him to "save" him from you. That's his job. "Sacrificing" for other is a no win. You'll resent him all the more down the road... Either he's so mellow he's got no problem with your behavior, or he doesn't realize it's his job to take care of himSelf and doesn't know how to. Regardless of his stuff,  you need to focus all your energy on learning anger management skills to impose control over your impulsive behavior. Pick up a book like The Angry Self: A Comprehensive Approach to Anger Management  by Miriam Gottlieb to get yourSelf started. Yes, he has his faults, as everyone does, but we used to be the envied couple.  The couple everyone would want to be like.  Now, I bet no friend we know would want this.

The problem: I don't know who to go to. A professional.  I can talk to my mom and she tells me what I already know, "Just be nice....think before you speak."  DUH.  I know this, but, like I said, it feels perfectly normal and justified when I talk to him, even though my tone is so rude and cruel.  Mom's right! If you start paying attention to your tone and your words, you can eventually stop yourself from behaving yukky. Then you have to figure out why you were yukky in the first place because your body is trying to tell to you... You are likely to need some help with this important part. Get some counseling!

Sometimes I wish he'd dump me so I can be forced to see just what I'm doing.  I love Craig, I do, but sometimes I feel disgust towards him.  You feel this way when he lets you treat him badly... It's your job not to treat him this way, but it's his job to stop you if you do. Unless, it's OK with him. It's not right.  I understand that true love can't always feel like puppy love, but I want to be that envied couple again.  I want to love him for all his quirks and faults again.

I NEED HELP.  I can't throw this one away because I can't change!  I CAN CHANGE.  I WILL CHANGE.  He deserves to be happy and comfortable, as do I.  I know I can't do it alone, so I will find help. Excellent!

The point of my story:  There are so many WOMEN out there who are abusive too! No kidding!  Many of the women let that perfect fish get away.  I don't want to be one of those women. And if you can relate to this story, then you already are one step closer to getting better.  You have realized that you need help - now you need to find it.  And one other thing that made me want to get help:  My favorite verse in the Bible:  1 Corinthians 13:


                             1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
 Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the truth.   Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
                            Love never ends.

Praise God, and good luck to you. Praise God and blessYou!  Indeed, you must be blessed because you've got some parts very straight: you realize the yukky behavior is about you and you desperately want to stop it. That's 50% of the battle right there. Add to that the fact that you are not defensive, and you want to take responsibility for yourself, you are well on your way. Do a bit of reading; there are many books on The Bookshelf that you will be able to relate to. Visit the CatBox; that crew will be happy to give you feedback. And, if at all possible, make it your business to get  counseling!  With warmest regards, Dr. Irene

Gang, feel free to post to Jenny or to email her at Jenrox2@yahoo.com.

 

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