July 27, 2001
Hi there, my name is Jenny and I am a 20 year
old female living in the Midwest. About 6 months ago I
realized I had a problem: Four and a half years ago I had a a problem
with depression, often contemplating suicide and spending days on
end in my room. In short, I was a wreck after my first "true love"
of 6 months dumped me for another girl because I wouldn't have sex
with him. After I got over the depression - I finally came out of my
cave and "hung out" with the crowd again, I was Miss Social
Butterfly. I have always grown up around guys - never were there
many girls around, so the tomboy in me made me made me a great
friend with all the guys, and "competition" to the females. Though I
don't know why, considering I was the most adamantly unavailable
female. I didn't even entertain the idea of having a romantic
relationship for at least 2 years.
Then I met Craig. And life was good!
The first 6 months we knew each other, we were
like best friends, but crazy about one-another. Our first kiss was
like wildfire. AT 6 months of friendship, I finally got the guts
to ask him out. HE SAID YES!!!! Life was perfect for a year
and a half.
At the two and a half year mark, I noticed changes
in our relationship. I am mean. I have the most loving
guy in the world, and I am downright cruel. I never notice
till after I say something that I might have hurt his feelings, even
though at the time what I said felt justified. I snap so
easily now; he said so himself. He feels like he's walking on
eggshells every day, trying not to make me upset.
Just the other day I finally made up my mind that he shouldn't
have to deal with that. I need help - and until I can treat him with
love and respect, like I always used to, he should have the chance to
find the perfect person to be with - because I don't deserve such a
great guy. Jenny, if you're going to
break up with the guy, I wish you'd do it for yourself. Break up
with him because you hate the way you feel about yourself when you
act yukky and don't know how to stop. Don't break up with him to
"save" him from you. That's his job. "Sacrificing" for other is a no
win. You'll resent him all the more down the road... Either he's so
mellow he's got no problem with your behavior, or he doesn't realize
it's his job to take care of himSelf and doesn't know how to.
Regardless of his stuff, you need to focus all your
energy on learning anger management skills to impose control over
your impulsive behavior. Pick up a book like
The Angry Self: A Comprehensive Approach to Anger Management
Miriam Gottlieb to get yourSelf started.
Yes, he has his faults, as everyone does, but we used to
be the envied couple. The couple everyone would want to be like.
Now, I bet no friend we know would want this.
The problem: I don't
know who to go to. A professional.
I can talk to my mom and she tells me what I
already know, "Just be nice....think before you speak." DUH. I know
this, but, like I said, it feels perfectly normal and justified when
I talk to him, even though my tone is so rude and cruel.
Mom's right! If you start paying attention
to your tone and your words, you can eventually stop yourself from
behaving yukky. Then you have to figure out why you were
yukky in the first place because your body is trying to tell to
you... You are likely to need some help with this important part.
Get some counseling!
I wish he'd dump me so I can be forced to see just what I'm doing.
I love Craig, I do, but sometimes I feel disgust towards him.
You feel this way when he lets you treat him
badly... It's your job not to treat him this way, but it's his job
to stop you if you do. Unless, it's OK with him. It's
not right. I understand that true love can't always feel like puppy
love, but I want to be that envied couple again. I want to love him
for all his quirks and faults again.
I NEED HELP. I can't throw this one away because I can't
change! I CAN CHANGE. I WILL CHANGE. He deserves to be happy and
comfortable, as do I. I know I can't do it alone, so I will find
The point of my story: There are so many
WOMEN out there who are abusive too! No
kidding! Many of the women let that perfect fish get
away. I don't want to be one of those women. And if you can
relate to this story, then you already are one step closer to
getting better. You have realized that you need help - now you
need to find it. And one other thing that made me want to get
help: My favorite verse in the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it
is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong,
but rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all
things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
Praise God, and good luck to you.
Praise God and blessYou! Indeed,
you must be blessed because you've got some parts very
straight: you realize the yukky behavior is about you and you
desperately want to stop it. That's 50% of the battle right
there. Add to that the fact that you are not defensive, and you want
to take responsibility for yourself, you are well on your way. Do a
bit of reading; there are many books on The Bookshelf that you will be
able to relate to. Visit the CatBox; that crew will be happy to give
you feedback. And, if at all possible, make it your business to get
counseling! With warmest regards, Dr. Irene
Gang, feel free to post to
Jenny or to email her at Jenrox2@yahoo.com.