ABANDONING THE NARCISSIST
The narcissist INITIATES his own abandonment BECAUSE of his fear. He is
so afraid of losing his sources (and of unconsciously being emotionally
hurt) - that he would rather "control", "master", or
"direct" the potentially destabilizing situation - than confront
its effects if initiated by the significant other. Remember: the
personality of the narcissist has a low level of organization. It is
Being abandoned could cause a narcissistic injury so grave that the
whole edifice can come crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain
suicidal ideation in such cases. BUT, if the narcissist initiated his
abandonment, if HE directed the scenes, if the abandonment is perceived by
him to be a goal HE set to himself to achieve - he can and does avoid all
these untoward consequences. See the section about Emotional Involvement
Prevention Mechanisms in the essay in "Malignant Self Love -
The Dynamics of the Relationship
The Narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, incomparable
(imaginary) achievements, wealth, brilliance and unmitigated success. The
narcissist denies his reality constantly. This is what I call the
"Grandiosity Gap" - the abyss between his sense of entitlement
and his inflated grandiose fantasies - and his incommensurate reality and
The narcissist's partner is perceived by him to be a source of
narcissistic supply, an instrument, an extension of himself. It is
inconceivable that - blessed by the constant presence of the narcissist -
such a tool would malfunction. The needs of the partner are perceived by
the narcissist as THREATS and INSULTS. He considers his very existence as
sufficiently nourishing and sustaining to his partner. He feels entitled
to the best others can offer without investing in maintaining
relationships or in catering to the well being of his
"suppliers". To rid himself of deep-set feelings of (rather
justified) guilt and shame - he pathologizes the partner. He projects
sickness unto her. Through the intricate mechanism of projective
identification he forces her to play an emergent role of "the
sick" or "the weak" or "the naive" or "the
dumb" or "the no good". What he denies in himself, what he
is terrified of facing in his own personality - he attributes to others
and moulds them to conform to his prejudices against himself.
The Narcissist MUST have THE best, the MOST glamorous, stunning,
talented, head turning, mind boggling spouse in the WORLD. Nothing short
of this fantasy will do. To compensate for the shortcomings of his real
life spouse - he invents an idealized figure and relates to it instead.
Then, when reality conflicts too often and too roughly with the ideal
figure - he reverts to devaluation. His behaviour turns on a dime and
becomes threatening, demeaning, contemptuous, berating, reprimanding,
destructively critical and sadistic - or cold, unloving, detached,
"clinical". He punishes his real life spouse for not living up
to his standards as personified in his Galathea, in his Pygmalion, in his ideal creation. The Narcissist
plays a wrathful and demanding God.
To preserve one's mental health - one must abandon the narcissist. One
must move on. Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First,
we have to acknowledge and accept reality. It is a volcanic, shattering,
agonizing series of little, nibbling, thoughts and strong, voluptuous
resistances. The battle won, harsh and painful realities assimilated, we
can move on to the learning phase.
We label. We assemble material. We gather knowledge. We compare
experiences. We digest. We have insights. Then we decide and we act. This
is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional
sustenance, support and confidence - we leave to face the battlefields of
our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterizes those
who do not mourn - but fight; do not grieve - but replenish their self
esteem; do not hide - but seek; do not freeze - but move on.
After being betrayed and abused - we grieve. We grieve for the image we
had of the traitor and abuser - the image that was so fleeting and so
wrong. We mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never
being able to love or to trust again - and we grieve this loss. In one
stroke, we lost someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting
and loving selves and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can
anything be worse?
The emotional process of grieving is multiphased. At first, we are
dumbfounded, shocked, inert, immobile. We play dead to avoid our inner
monsters. We are ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence
and fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful. Then
we accept. Then we cry. And then - some of us - learn to forgive and to
pity. And this is called healing.
ALL stages are absolutely necessary and good. It is bad NOT to rage
back, not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But
it is equally as bad to stay like this forever. Permanent grieving is the
perpetuation of our abuse by other means. By endlessly recreating our
harrowing experiences, we unwillingly and defiantly collaborate with our
abuser to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we
defeat our abuser, minimizing him and his importance in our lives. It is
by loving and by trusting anew that we annul that which was done to us. To
forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-live.
Forgiving and Forgetting
Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver
than for the forgiven. But, to my mind, it should not be a universal,
indiscriminate behaviour. I think it is legitimate not to forgive
sometimes. It depends, of course, on the severity or duration of what was
done to you. In general, it is unwise and counter-productive, in my view,
to establish "universal" and "immutable" principles in
life. Life is too chaotic to succumb to rigid principles. Sentences, which
start with "I never" are either not very credible or, worse,
they lead to self-defeating, self- restricting and self-destructive
Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never
seek them out willingly - but when confronted with a conflict, one should
not avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity inasmuch as through
care and love that we grow.
Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships,
partnerships, even marriages periodically. The past is insufficient in
itself to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring and
compassionate relationship. It is a good pre-condition, perhaps a
necessary one - but not a sufficient one. We must gain and regain our
friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of
allegiance and empathy.
Remaining Friends with the Narcissist
But can't we act civilized and remain on friendly terms with our
narcissist ex? Never forget that Narcissists (full fledged ones) are nice
to others if:
(1) They want something - narcissistic supply, help, support,
votes, money... They prepare the ground, manipulate you and then
come out with the "small favour" they need or ask you blatantly
or surreptitiously for narcissistic supply ("what did you think about
my performance..." "do you think that I really deserve the Nobel
(2) They feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by
smothering it with oozing pleasantries.
(3) They have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply
and they feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show
magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable divine credentials. It
is an act of grandiosity. You are an irrelevant prop in this spectacle, a
mere receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self-contented
infatuation with his False Self.
This beneficence is transient. Perpetual victims often tend to
"thank God for little graces" (God being the narcissist). This
is the Stockholm syndrome: hostages tend to emotionally identify with the
terrorists rather than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and
tormentors for ceasing their hideous activities and letting us breathe for
Some people say that they prefer to live with narcissists, to cater to
their needs and to succumb to their whims because this is the way they
have been conditioned. It is only with narcissists that they feel alive,
stimulated and excited. The world glows in Technicolor in the presence of
a narcissist and decays to sepia colours in his absence.
I see nothing inherently "wrong" with that. The test is this:
If a person were to constantly humiliate and abuse you verbally using
Archaic Chinese - would you have felt humiliated and abused? Probably not.
Some people have been conditioned by the narcissistic primary objects in
their lives (parents or caregivers) to treat narcissistic abuse as Archaic
Chinese, to turn a deaf ear. This technique is effective in that it allows
the "inverted narcissist" (the narcissist's willing mate) to
experience only the good aspects of living with a narcissist: his
sparkling intelligence, the constant drama and excitement, his lack of
intimacy and emotional attachment (some people prefer this). Every now and
then the narcissist breaks into abusive Archaic Chinese, so what, who
understands Archaic Chinese anyway?
I have only one nagging doubt, though:
If so rewarding, why are inverted narcissists so unhappy, so ego-dystonic,
so in need of help (professional or otherwise)? Aren't they victims who
simply experience the Stockholm Syndrome (=identifying with the kidnapper
rather than with the Police)?
Narcissists and Abandonment
Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned exactly as codependents
and Borderlines are.
Their solution is different.
Codependents cling. Borderlines are emotionally labile and react
disastrously to the faintest hint of being abandoned. Narcissists
FACILITATE the abandonment. They MAKE SURE that they are abandoned.
This way they secure the achievement of two goals:
(1) Getting it over with - The narcissist has a very low threshold of
tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material.
Narcissists are very impatient and "spoiled". They cannot delay
gratification OR impending doom. They must have it all NOW, good or bad.
(2) By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to
himself persuasively. "She didn't abandon me, it is I who abandoned
her. I controlled the situation. It was all my doing, so I was really not
abandoned, was I now?" In time, the narcissist adopts this
"official version" as the truth. He might say: "I deserted
her emotionally and sexually long before she left".
This is one of the important Emotional Involvement Prevention
Mechanisms (EIPMs) that I write about extensively in the essay in
"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".
Why the Failing Relationships?
Narcissists HATE happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness -
in short, they hate life itself. The roots of this bizarre propensity can
be traced to a few psychological dynamics, which operate concurrently (it
is very confusing to be a narcissist):
First, there is pathological envy.
The Narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes,
their property, their character, their education, their children, their
ideas, the fact that they can feel, their good mood, their past, their
future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their
Almost ANYTHING can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy.
But there is nothing, which reminds the narcissist more of the totality of
his envious experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy
people out of their own deprivation.
Then there is narcissistic hurt.
The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and the lives
of those surrounding him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible
for all developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime
cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar,
forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this
grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It confronts the narcissist
with a reality outside the realm of his fantasies. It painfully serves to
illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers
and catalysts. That there are things happening outside the orbit of his
control or initiative.
The narcissist uses projective identification. He feels bad through
other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to
enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the
source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause - or to the
"pathology" of the sad person.
"You are constantly depressed, you should really see a
therapist" is a common sentence. The narcissist - in an effort to
maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purposes -
strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence.
"You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong?
Can I help you? Things haven't been going so well, ah?" Last but
not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control. The narcissist feels
that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly
by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. He
suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and
belittled by an emotion fostered not by him or by his actions directly or
indirectly. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way
of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and
you will feel happy only when I tell you to.
Next: NARCISSIST, THE ABUSER
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