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Doc@DrIrene.com

5 Kids and and OP

5 Kids & an Order of Protection

February 27, 2001

Dr. Irene,

 
You have been of great help to me in the past.  I have been on my own now since January 5th.  I left on a Friday, just got out of Dodge, so to speak.  I have a protection order against my husband.  I have been so happy and relaxed now.   My husband has supervised visitation.  I told him that if he went to counseling, that I would look at having it changed. Slow down! You won't be able to redo it once he drops out. The only way he is willing to go to counseling is if I am willing to work on the Marriage.  I am not willing to do this.  So now he doesn't want the help.  I told him the kids miss him and that they want to be able to spend a weekend there.  He doesn't want this, because it will give me to have time to date.  He is also angry that the protection order states that he can not use fire arms. (Which means no hunting).
 
I am talking about a man that has pulled a gun on me 8 years ago, that has been to jail for 5th degree assault 9 years ago for hitting my 13 month old. Ugh. That in the recent years has thrown a 12 pack of pop towards me, spray painted the living room walls because he was mad at me.  Urinated on a box of my stuff after I had left.  This of course does not include all the verbal stuff that he has done.  Nothing overt recently, just very covert.
 
He is extremely depressed that I want a divorce.  I am done with this relationship.  And do not want to continue to work on it.  I am tired of always having to worry how I come across to him, or to have my guard up to insults and ridicule.  I do not trust this man. With good reason. If I have ever told him any thing of importance to me, it is either thrown in my face later on, or spread around to other people.  He is very manipulative, and vindictive.
 
As for myself and my inner feelings.  I believe I have been done with this relationship internally for a while.  I care about him because he is the father to 3 of my children.    They love him dearly and miss not being able to spend more time with him.  I keep reaffirming them that Dad does love them. Also let them know that Dad is a sick man, which is why he hurts the people he loves. When they get a chance to see him, they are so excited to be able to spend time with him. I do not want the children to hurt. You don't think he hurts them?
 
Now I must deal with 5 kids by myself.  This is hard at times.  My 16 year old believes that I have over reacted against my husband.  My 10 year old will not listen to me and will call me names.  My 8 year old will also call me names and tell me to get back together with dad because I am the one hurting him. This is what happens when you bend over backwards to not badmouth him. They need the truth and they need to see you stand up to him and to them. You need to earn the respect of your children. Right now, the "power" resides with daddy. The 6 year old just wants to see dad.  And the Baby 23 month old is just happy go lucky.  The kids are consistently swearing and hitting each other.  The 10 year old pushes his weight around with the other kids.  He is bigger than I am.  The other day he was so mean, called me a J^&k A$%, would not go to his room, and would bully the other kids.  I have not been one to swear at the kids, or threaten the kids.  But my strings are getting pulled tighter and tighter.  I will not insult my husband, or share with the kids all the wrong that he has done just so they can understand why this is all happening. Really? They do not need this added pressure. They don't need reality? Keep them in fantasy land? Be the bad guy? I stay upbeat about dad, and hope that he will come to his senses to get help. Don't hold your breath. A lot of my chest, it is just so frustrating. And you create your frustration.
 
I have been lonely for so long.  Even thou I have been with my husband, it was a living arrangement not a relationship.  I believe I was in love with being in love.  But I was not in love with him.  I do care for him.  And I am working on forgiving him, I need to forgive him.  It doesn't mean that I need to go back.  I thought that if I forgave him that would mean I need to go back and work on our marriage.  But I don't.  I just need to let go, and forgive him inside myself. Forgive, but not forget. I think you are a bit too eager to forgive and forget. Maybe make believe it never happened...
 
Take Care,
And Thank you for all your advice in the past. You'll hate this advice. You need it.  Think Tree, think!  Dr. Irene
 
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