| February 10, 2002 Question:
I am afraid of my ex-Narcissist. He stalks me, harasses me,
threatens me verbally. Can he become real violent? Am I at risk? I am
mostly worried about my children. Will he do something bad to them to
get back at me?
Answer:
Pathological narcissism is a spectrum of disorders. People
suffering from the full blown, all-pervasive, personality distorting
mental health disorder known as the Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) - are, indeed, more prone to violence than others. Actually, the
differential diagnosis (=the difference) between NPD and AsPD
(Antisocial PD, psychopaths) is very blurred. Most psychopaths have
narcissistic traits and many a narcissist are also sadists. Both types
are devoid of empathy, remorseless, ruthless, and relentless in their
pursuit of their goals (the narcissist's goal is narcissistic supply
or the avoidance of narcissistic injury). Narcissists often use verbal
and psychological abuse and violence against those closest to them.
Some of them move from abstract aggression (the emotion leading to
violence and permeating it) to the physically concrete sphere of
violence. More about narcissistic rage here - The Iron Mask.
Many narcissists are also paranoid and vindictive. They aim to
punish (by tormenting) and destroy the source of their frustration and
pain. Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive
narcissists:
1. To Frighten Them
Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression,
envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As a
result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic. Frightening
the narcissist is a powerful behaviour modification tool. If
sufficiently deterred - the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up
everything he was fighting for and sometimes make amends.
To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and
susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating
blows at them - until the narcissist lets go and vanishes.
Example:
If a narcissist is hiding a personal fact - one should use this to
threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious
witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. The narcissist
has a very vivid imagination. Let his imagination do the rest.
The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in
malpractice, in child abuse, in infidelity - there are so many
possibilities, which offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly,
non-committaly, gradually, in an escalating manner - the narcissist
crumbles, disengages and disappears. He lowers his profile thoroughly
in the hope of avoiding hurt and pain. Most narcissists have been
known to disown and abandon a whole PNS (pathological narcissistic
space) in response to a well-focused campaign by their victims. Thus,
a narcissist may leave town, change a job, desert a field of
professional interest, avoid friends and acquaintances - only to
secure a cessation of the unrelenting pressure exerted on him by his
victims.
I repeat: most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the
narcissist. His imagination runs amok. He finds himself snarled by
horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest "certainties". The
narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor.
You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an
ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist
will do the rest for you. He is like a little child in the dark,
generating the very monsters that paralyse him with fear.
Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued
legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in
broad daylight. If done in the wrong way - they might constitute
extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal
offences.
2. To Lure Them
The other way to neutralize a vindictive narcissist is to offer him
continued narcissistic supply until the war is over and won by you.
Dazzled by the drug of narcissistic supply - the narcissist
immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly
takes over his "property" and "territory". Under the influence of
narcissistic supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being
manipulated.
He is blind, dumb and deaf to all but the song of the NS sirens.
You can make a narcissist do ANYTHING by offering, withholding, or
threatening to withhold narcissistic supply (adulation, admiration,
attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).
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